Community Chat

[Plaid Pants2]

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@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

There's a lot of talk about the problem and how it goes unreported.  Rape is a felony.

Unfortunately, it's rare that anyone cautions parents to instill respect in teenage boys and emphasize this should never, ever be done.   When someone says no, they mean no.    

Any parent raising boys needs to keep this in mind.

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I agree with everything that you have said, 100%.

If I may add, if someone is unable to give consent, that does not mean "Yes".

[Plaid Pants2]

My heart goes out to everyone who is a survivor of s.a. 

I do have a question though.

For those of us who have never had to deal with this, what can we say to the one assaulted, to help?

Is there anything?

I honestly don't know, that's why I'm asking.

I can think of plenty of wrong things to say, (which I would never say), such as what was said in Lady Gaga's song, "I know how you feel, you need to put it behind you, or, worst of all, get over it"

But what can we say to show support and that we care, because I think sometimes, our heart may be in the right place, but the words come out all wrong, or, we are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we end up saying nothing, which isn't good either.

So, what can we say to a survivor to show that we care and support for them?

[JustJazzmom]

I think the best thing is to acknowledge to the person that you do not know what to say but that you will be there to support them in whatever way they need.

[Suziepeach]

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

My heart goes out to everyone who is a survivor of s.a. 

I do have a question though.

For those of us who have never had to deal with this, what can we say to the one assaulted, to help?

Is there anything?

I honestly don't know, that's why I'm asking.

I can think of plenty of wrong things to say, (which I would never say), such as what was said in Lady Gaga's song, "I know how you feel, you need to put it behind you, or, worst of all, get over it"

But what can we say to show support and that we care, because I think sometimes, our heart may be in the right place, but the words come out all wrong, or, we are afraid of saying the wrong thing, so we end up saying nothing, which isn't good either.

So, what can we say to a survivor to show that we care and support for them?

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@Plaid Pants2, you just did show care & support and for that, thank you from my . 

[Noel7]

Years ago, my lifelong friend was raped.  They eventually caught the rapist.

Fast forward to the upcoming trial.  I was with her in her apartment one day when there was a knock at her door.  She opened it and a young woman introduced herself as the girlfriend of the rapist.  She had come on his behalf to persuade my friend NOT to testify against him because he was a good guy and hadn't actually hurt her.  He held a knife to her throat, sure, but he never used it.

There weren't a lot of protections in place in those days.  Nothing could be done about the girl who came to her door, and God knows how she got the address.

My friend is an artist and had a wonderful apartment.  I helped her move, and fast.

It comes up still, once in awhile, and I tell her again it wasn't her fault, and still, after all this time she is rocked by the memories that float up to her consciousness.  I don't think she ever really feels safe.

[Noel7]

One thing we can all do is support legislation for better protection and harsher sentencing.  Many rapists get off with a slap on the wrist.

When we hear a rape joke, speak up, or we hear someone defending a pervert like Bill Cosby, shout it down.

[Plaid Pants2]

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@Noel7 wrote:

Years ago, my lifelong friend was raped.  They eventually caught the rapist.

Fast forward to the upcoming trial.  I was with her in her apartment one day when there was a knock at her door.  She opened it and a young woman introduced herself as the girlfriend of the rapist.  She had come on his behalf to persuade my friend NOT to testify against him because he was a good guy and hadn't actually hurt her.  He held a knife to her throat, sure, but he never used it.

There weren't a lot of protections in place in those days.  Nothing could be done about the girl who came to her door, and God knows how she got the address.

My friend is an artist and had a wonderful apartment.  I helped her move, and fast.

It comes up still, once in awhile, and I tell her again it wasn't her fault, and still, after all this time she is rocked by the memories that float up to her consciousness.  I don't think she ever really feels safe.

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{{{{{I'm so sorry for your friend}}}}}

[Plaid Pants2]

I don't know if this is true or not, and maybe someone with more knowledge on the subject can educate me, but I've heard that rape kits aren't always tested right away, that they can sit on a shelf for years before they are, if they ever are.

Is this true?

If so, maybe we can demand that they are tested withing 24 hours of doing a rape kit.

Just a thought.

[chickenbutt]

Wow, Noel!   Your friend's story really hit me in the gut.   First of all, I'm so sorry that she had to go through all of it.   This girlfriend of the rapist - oh geez, I don't think there is anything appropriate to this venue that I can say.

But secondly, and something that I think most of us probably seldom think about (in the name of self-preservation), many of our abusers never had to pay or be stopped.  I know that none of mine never were.   

I think this is just another reason that it never leaves us.  It does the damage it does.  That goes without saying.  But knowing that you didn't have the power at the time (I was a child throughout my molestations and had a mother who hated me, so I had nowhere to go), you were not able to stop them from victimizing others.   You went through life damaged and they, no doubt, continued doing damage to others.   

I guess the thing with the girlfriend of the rapist really hit a nerve for me that hasn't been touched for a long time.  The rage I'm feeling right now!   (sorry)

[Plaid Pants2]

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@chickenbutt wrote:

Wow, Noel!   Your friend's story really hit me in the gut.   First of all, I'm so sorry that she had to go through all of it.   This girlfriend of the rapist - oh geez, I don't think there is anything appropriate to this venue that I can say.

But secondly, and something that I think most of us probably seldom think about (in the name of self-preservation), many of our abusers never had to pay or be stopped.  I know that none of mine never were.   

I think this is just another reason that it never leaves us.  It does the damage it does.  That goes without saying.  But knowing that you didn't have the power at the time (I was a child throughout my molestations and had a mother who hated me, so I had nowhere to go), you were not able to stop them from victimizing others.   You went through life damaged and they, no doubt, continued doing damage to others.   

I guess the thing with the girlfriend of the rapist really hit a nerve for me that hasn't been touched for a long time.  The rage I'm feeling right now!   (sorry)

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{{{{{{chickenbutt}}}}}}