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11-01-2020 02:21 AM - edited 11-01-2020 02:25 AM
1. If at first you don't succeed...so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
2. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. Stuart Turner
3. I'll tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella. Gary Delany
4. Wouldn't it be more fun if calories screamed while you burn calories? Bill Murray
5. I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom. Bob Hope
6. It's been a tough week. I bought myself a memory mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.
Gary Delany
7. A stock broker urged me to buy stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas." Claude Pepper
8. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close k nit family in another city. George Burns
9. Honolulu - It's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Ken Dodd
10. Politics: "Poll" a Latin word meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking" critters.
Robin Williams
11.. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Chris Rock
12. I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know, so they have to run a little, Bill Murray
13. My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop. Bill Murray
14. I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food. Will Ferrell
15. I love deadlines, I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams
16. My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I've finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake.
Dave Barry
17. Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys as much
Oscar Wilde
18. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience.
Robin Williams
19. We've had "cloning" in the south for years. It's called "cousins." Robin Williams
20. I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day and about ten at night. Unknown
21. I can resist everything, except temptation.
Oscar Wilde
22. I'm sorry I slapped you. It's just you seemed like you weren't going to stop talking and I panicked.
Bill Murray
THE END
THE INTERNET
11-01-2020 03:34 AM
@Lindsays Grandma I've heard No. 7 a milliion times from my "older" friends. Laugh every time.
11-01-2020 06:03 AM
11-01-2020 06:11 AM
Those are so good ---- I love them!
11-01-2020 07:06 AM
Great way to start the day with laughter! @Lindsays Grandma Thanks 🙏☕️❤️
11-01-2020 03:13 PM
@Lindsays Grandma 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I LOOOOOVE this collection!! I knew I was in for some jolly when I saw the title of this thread, but a serious giggle session ensued. I CANNOT stop giggling at number 11! I shared it with my daughter, and her giggle box was tickled TOO!!😂😂😂 (wiping my eyes)
~~~All we need is LOVE💖
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