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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

JOKES FOR EVERYONE

[ Edited ]

1.   If at first you don't succeed...so much for skydiving.

                                             Henny Youngman

 

2.   If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.       Stuart Turner

 

3.   I'll tell you what always catches my eye.  Short people with an umbrella.                         Gary Delany

 

4.   Wouldn't it be more fun if calories screamed while you burn calories?                   Bill Murray

 

5.   I grew up with six brothers.  That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.     Bob Hope

 

6.   It's been a tough week.  I bought myself a memory mattress and now it's trying to blackmail me.

                                                   Gary Delany

 

7.   A stock broker urged me to buy stock that would triple its value every year.  I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."                           Claude Pepper

 

8.   Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close k nit family in another city.              George Burns   

 

9.    Honolulu - It's got everything.  Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

                                                Ken Dodd

 

10.   Politics:  "Poll" a Latin word meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking" critters.

                                                 Robin Williams

 

11..   I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.                  Chris Rock

 

12.   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know, so they have to run a little,    Bill Murray

 

13.   My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop.                 Bill Murray

 

14.   I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.                             Will Ferrell

 

15.   I love deadlines, I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.                                   Douglas Adams

 

16.   My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start.  So far I've finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. 

                                                          Dave Barry

                                                     

17.   Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys as much 

                                                     Oscar Wilde

 

18.   Do not argue with an idiot.  He will drag you down to his level and beat you with his experience.

                                                        Robin Williams

 

19.   We've had  "cloning" in the south for years.  It's called "cousins."                                      Robin Williams

 

20.   I need my sleep.  I need about eight hours a day and about ten at night.                           Unknown

 

21.   I can resist everything, except temptation.

                                                   Oscar Wilde

 

22.   I'm sorry I slapped you.  It's just you seemed like you weren't going to stop talking and I panicked.

                                                    Bill Murray

 

                                    THE END

                                THE INTERNET

 

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Super Contributor
Posts: 445
Registered: ‎04-17-2010

@Lindsays Grandma   I've heard No. 7 a milliion times from my "older" friends.  Laugh every time.

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Super Contributor
Posts: 321
Registered: ‎09-18-2019

@Lindsays Grandma 

 

These are great! Happy November. 2020 is almost over.  I'll be glad to see it go!!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,852
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Those are so good ---- I love them!  

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." - Steve Martin
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,563
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Great way to start the day with laughter! @Lindsays Grandma  Thanks 🙏☕️❤️

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,022
Registered: ‎06-13-2010

@Lindsays Grandma  🤣🤣🤣🤣 I LOOOOOVE this collection!! I knew I was in for some jolly when I saw the title of this thread, but a serious giggle session ensued. I CANNOT stop giggling at number 11! I shared it with my daughter, and her giggle box was tickled TOO!!😂😂😂 (wiping my eyes)

 

 

~~~All we need is LOVE💖