@sfnative wrote:
@NycVixen wrote:
'Master of recognizing my own accomplishments' and 'Master of confidence'. Due to growing up with a highly critical mother, I have issues acknowledging and seeing my self-worth. I struggle with my self-esteem and I just wish I could see what my husband sees....
@NycVixen
Hi NycVixen,
I've read your response several times now and really feel a need to come back and share my experience with you, as my mother was the same.
Once I moved onto college and really started to expand myself socially and intellectually, I decided it was time to take a look at my life: I didn't like the way the lack of nurturing, the hate my mother spewed and the distance my father kept had an effect on the adult person I was becoming.
I had a lot of "talks" with myself and came to a number of conclusions.
First of all, though brought up Christian, I didn't believe that being born into a family meant that we instantly had to love each and every person in that family: "Love thy father and mother." I told God this just wasn't going to work with a women whose every reaction was to slap me silly, scream and yell at me and be critical at me to such a degree as to never ever go to one of my concerts, nor to my high school or college graduations. And when she and my father finally decided to divorce, she took her sizable chunk of cash and had a field day: furnished the house in new Danish teak furniture (all the rage in the mid-60s), furs, a boat, boyfriends/wardrobe, new che-che car and the list goes on. One day she approached me, during my senior year in high school, and said, "You know that university you were accepted to back east and expected to attend, well, you can forget it. I'm not spending another penny on you (because she had blown my college fund already), so if you want to go to college, figure it out yourself.
So, NycVixen, I decided to have done with my mother and as much of that "baggage" as I could. How could I move on in life otherwise?
And I did move on. I had to start out cheap. Went to the local junior college to take care of my general ed requirements and believe me, I've been teased as an adult so many times for that! "YOU went to a junior college?" "Well, yes I did, because my i-iot mother spent my college fund." That always shut them up. And, of course, I always had a part-time job along with my full time academic load.
With my "mother the monkey" off my back, I began to develop socially and more importantly intellectually. My brain was taking off exponentially. I don't know if any studies have addressed this, but from my perspective, you've gotta get rid of/let go of those horrible influences in your life before your brain can really grow and function. I would posit that this is very true of children, teens and young adults. After my first degree, I went to nursing school and was first in my class. There's a point being made here: as God is my witness, there is NO way I could have been first in my class if I was still psychologically tied to that woman!
My head and heart thrive without her. She was a menace to all things beautiful in this world.
And so, having retired 2 years ago, I want you to know that though there were some bumps in the road, as everyone might experience, I've walked straight with my head held high with confidence oozing from every pore. I am who I am because I made me. I needed to make me, because there was no one else on board my boat who was going to help and I've done OK.
You-can-too!
God Bless ~ Rebecca
Dear Rebecca,
Sorry for the delay in answering as for some reason I didn't see this notification till now. I apologize. I am very appreciative and grateful that you took the time to respond with so much empathy and understanding and to share intimate details of your life. Reading your post brought tears to my eyes for I fully understood the pain you went through and I was saddened someone else had to know that pain firsthand. My mom also did not go to my H.S. graduation or to any of my perfomances. I was in chorus from junior high through high school and she never went to not even one. I also played violin from third grade and her lack of response is what really made me give it up. I regret that so much.
My college education was delayed because just when I turned 19, I came home and the locks were changed. Once I found her at her friend's apt she told me I no longer lived there. She didn't give me my clothes or any of my belongings. All I had were the clothes on my back and it was November two weeks before Thanksgiving. I had to go stay with my boyfriend's family for a while before I could get on my feet, which was very humiliating. I tried to go to community college but had to drop out since I was working at night and going to school during the day to make ends meet. I was not doing well at all.
Finally, after a couple of years I went to another community college and due to my performance was awarded a full scholarship to attend a well respected university. I did it on my own. However, I still struggle with my self esteem because of dealing with my mother. My father was also not around growing up and I only met him when I was 15. After that, I thought we had nurtured somewhat of a relationship but he refused to walk me down the aisle in 2012 because he didn't approve of my husband. Meanwhile, he's never met him to this day and my mom only met him a month before the wedding. At my wedding, my mom just showed up and didn't help me at all getting dressed etc. like a mother is expected to. She got mad the day of because she tried to put her hands and kiss my face with lipstick and I didn't allow her. For that, she didn't talk to me for a whole year.
I'm at the point and have been before to just walk away. I sometimes dream of just moving to a place far away. She's so harsh and critical and makes demands on me when she does absolutely nothing for me. She didn't even give me a dime for my wedding and didn't go to my last graduation for my Master's degree because it was too early in the morning. The truth is I still have that daughterly guilt she has so well instilled in me. However, at this time my husband is away working abroad so she is the only person I have near me.
Despite all this, I still love her and only G-d knows why. I want the best for her and hope as she gets older that she's ok. I know she led a difficult life with an abusive alcoholic father and my father was abusive as well. She never got the help she needed but then again she never thought she needed it either. She describes herself as the most loving mother but I just don't know where she gets that from. She tells me she loves me from time to time now she never did as a child, has never hugged me or anything but she doesn't see that she's one of the people who have hurt me the most in life. She's one of those women that honestly was better off not having children.
However, what is so painful is that she is unwilling to show any empathy for the fact that I had a miscarriage in February. When I told her on Oct 11th that I probably won't be ok in 3 days when my due date comes, she got nasty and told me I should be over that already and blamed me for not trying to have a baby earlier (I only took 4 months after my graduation to start trying). It's like no matter what the situation is, it's always my fault. I took a year off from pursuing my next graduate degree to spend it living abroad with my husband and planned to have a baby but it just didn't work out. I know it's not my fault but it's so hard when your own mother thinks so little of you. She's never really acknowledged any of my accomplishments and treats me like I'm a nobody. I thank G-d he's given me the strength to go on and survive despite everything.
I know this sounds terrible to say but I know that the only day I'll be truly free is when she is no longer here. I'm so thankful I met my husband who is truly an amazing person. He's helped me so much but the fact is I also did make myself the person I am today. I'm hopeful for the future and I won't allow her to take that away from me.
~Live with Intention~
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