1. An elderly couple just learned how to send text messages. The wife was a romantic type, and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon she wrote, "If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are crying, send me your tears. And if you are sleeping, send me your dreams. I love you." Her husband sent a text back, "I'm on the toilet, please advise."
2. "Doc, I can't stop singing, "Green, Green of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." (Get it? It's a Tom Jones song)
3. Why does everybody sing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" when they're already there.
4. The restaurant industry can flummox rookies and seasoned pros alike. Consider:
*A table ordered a Dr. Pepper and a coke. The server brought theirs over, then in front of the customers, took a sip from each drink to see which was which.
* I once had a customer ask that his lamb not taste like lamb.
* Our manager kept reminding us waitresses to encourage customers to order dessert. At the end of an especially exhausting day, I walked over to a couple who had just sat down, gave them each a menu and a glass of water, and asked, "Would you care for anything else.?"
5. I was working from home, interviewing a famous neurologist for an article, when my three year old announced she had to go potty and waddled into the bathroom. After some loud moans, she yelled, "I did it Mom! I pooped in the toilet!" I pooped on the floor too! But I'll clean it! Oh, I stepped in it!" There was an uncomfortable silence as I realized the doctor had heard every word. "Ha ha," I laughed nervously, Do you have kids?" "No," he said, and I never will."
6. DEAR SIR OR MADMAN
A resume cover letter is your first introduction to a potential hiring manager. Don't blow it, like these job seekers:
+ "I am a motivated self-igniting person."
+ "I would like to come by and show you my work in hopes of making something of my life so I can move out of my parent's basement."
+"I'm looking for work because even though my company was profitable last year, this year they are expecting a large defecate."
+ "I'm not intimated by your internship; want to be a part of your fun atmosphere."
+ "Strong writing abilities. Able to analysis data and problem solver.
+ "I am getting to my goal, slowly but surly."
7. One morning, Emma woke up with a start. Her husband, Jim, asked what the matter was. "I had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day," she said. "What could it mean?" "You'll know tonight", Jim said slyly. That evening, Jim came home with a small package for his wife. Emma ripped open the wrapping paper, tore into the the box, and pulled out her gift - a book entitled The Meaning of Dreams.
8. I describe my husband's style as, "Is that what you're wearing?"
9. HUMOR IN UNIFORM...
I was awakened late one night by a phone call from Fort Meade, in Maryland.
Me: Hello?
Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there?
Me: Sorry, you have the wrong number.
(Hang up. (R-i-i-ing)
Caller: Sgt. Rodrigues?
Me: Still wrong number.
Caller: Do you have his right number?
There's been a post recall and he has to go to work.
Me: No, I don't.
(Hang up. And...)
Second
Caller: Is Sgt. Rodrigues there?
Me: No, there's been a post recall and he went to work.
Caller: OK. Thanks.
10. In the 50's, I was a clerk typist at our base headquarters in Verdun, France. We were a tough group. How tough? Our motto was "We never retreat, we just backspace."
Compliments of the Reader's Digest
The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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