Community Chat

[juliet]

me too - just lost interest in doing all the things I thought I'd want to do before I retired and didn't have the time. Now I have the time but not the interest and found that many of my friends weren't what I need at this stage either. And losing my closest friend to cancer was a huge loss. It would be good to find a support group for this stage of life. I've tried classes at the local university - that helped - and researching family history - but now I'm tapped out on them for awhile. I found out that joining clubs has its pitfalls. They want you to take on responsibility right away and now that I'm retired I don't want any responsibilities that involve pressure. I agree that it's challenging and I don't think it's necessarily depression - just finding something new and interesting to do helps. Do you like to garden?? This time of year it's so great to see flowers blooming.

[Marienkaefer2]

I'm not in your part of life, yet, but I've undergone some changes in my life that have left me feeling similar to what you describe. I think we put pressure on ourselves to do or be what we "should." I've always found that my answers come when I stop.trying so hard to.figure things out. Just let go a bit and the answers will.come to you.

[Financialgrl]

Retirement doesn't have to be an end; make it a new beginning with new rules that swing in your favor. I took early retirement bc of a job relocation and I did not want to follow them and wanted to do something different. Your world is just opening up - do nothing or travel, volunteer or maybe you will want to do something you always wanted to do but it wouldn't have paid enough to make ends meet and now that's not an issue. The absolute best part I find about retirement is that if you do something you don't like, you can quit and try something else, basically you can continually redefine your retirement.

[shorelady]

DH retired ten years ago, and I officially retired before then. It was something we both looked forward to and spent our life planning for.

I have never heard of "retirement grief", as this was the time of our lives that we most looked forward to.

We didn't mourn the loss of friendships, our purpose in life or our worth. We had just moved to a new and wonderful phase. We had plenty of lifelong friendships, so losing the "work" friendships was not a problem. Most work friendships don't last no matter if we retire or move to another job. The proverbial "we'll keep in touch" very rarely happens.

As for our worth, we prove that everyday to ourselves knowing that we have done the best we can and will continue to do so. We now had a new purpose in life and that was to enjoy each other and have more time for the children and grandchildren. DH and I were not glued to each other. We did many things together, but still had some time apart, even separating to watch our favorite TV shows (we never did seem to like the same shows!)..

But sadly I learned too soon the true meaning of grief and loss. DH was only retired 10 years when he passed away after a very short illness this past year. I am happy that he retired early or else we wouldn't have had those ten terrific years to have the time to enjoy the children and grandchildren and do what made us the happiest.

Maybe you are putting too much thought into retirement or possibly expect too much from retirement. I don't have any answers to help you. DH and I looked upon retirement from a different view and that was working hard for many years and to finally get a chance to enjoy the fruits of our labor.

I wish you luck, and I hope you find the answers you need.

[wagirl]

On 2/11/2015 Gooday said:

On 2/11/2015 starpolisher said:

Thank you ALL for your kind words and insight. I must say I was very hesitant to verbalize this on this board. I also did not want to talk with any of my family or friends about it. I was afraid I'd be judged. I know I have many blessings and sometimes people just wonder "What's your problem" or "What are you whining about?" I have to say that you have all helped me to feel better and given me good advice. I am not one to journal. I find it very hard to write personal feelings down. I am a talker but not good talking about intimate details of my life or feelings with others. I guess I felt unjustiedfied in feeling the way I do since some would not consider it a real problem. However, it is a problem for me. I need to feel like I'm needed and make a difference. I was a daughter, wife, mother, a nurse and now a teacher. All roles that I wanted and enjoyed not to mention, was raised to believe I should have. No one taught me how to stop doing them. My mom is 85 years old and very active. She belongs to several groups/clubs/boards. She an advid gardner, loves to shop, keeps up with the latest news/politics/celebrities and frequently takes bus trips to casinos where she not only plays but wins. The difference between us is she always enjoyed these things. I on the other hand do not. Most of, if not all of the things I enjoy centered around my home and children. I know it's just a matter of redefining myself and discovering what I want/need but I also know it has to be fulfiling or it's just going through the motions. I will write more later(I'm at work) Thank you all again for taking the time to acknowledge me. It helps to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I must have posted right before you did.

I also took on a role as a care giver in many ways. What I DID do was go to the American Cancer Society and signed up as a volunteer to drive people to their chemo and radiation or doctor's appointments. I cannot tell you how that made me feel.

There are many organizations who would love to have your vast knowledge, especially children and adults who cannot read. The list can go on and on of organizations out there.

Oh...as for your husband....it may be difficult for him. Worry about yourself first. Your roles are going to change a bit, so just go with the flow.

Gooday--I have to thank you for volunteering to drive cancer patients to and from their appts. I went thru chemo 2 years ago and for a couple of my appts. I had no way to get there on my own and relied on volunteers to drive me. Thanks again!!!

[NC Bandwagon]

Hello, starpolisher.

Don't feel bad. I know that you're trying your hardest...and that's good enough. I hope you feel better.

[LurkyLoo]

On 2/11/2015 Marienkaefer2 said: I'm not in your part of life, yet, but I've undergone some changes in my life that have left me feeling similar to what you describe. I think we put pressure on ourselves to do or be what we "should." I've always found that my answers come when I stop.trying so hard to.figure things out. Just let go a bit and the answers will.come to you.

You have the right idea for one so young! I have been through so many changes just recently. Lost my only (adult) child to cancer, have been struggling with advancing RA and losing my mobility, retired from work I truly loved and moved into a retirement community. No one is better at overwhelming ones' self with fear and apprehension than I am. There is grief associated with all of it, too. Mourning for what was and what will never be again. Fearing what will be. Things did not begin to get better for me emotionally until I went ahead and did those things I needed to and learn to take it all more in stride. Acceptance. Dealing with the day's worries is often more than enough, and realizing we never really had control of most things anyway. Just release that need to try to control everything outside our power. My faith helped me to let go and let God.

I will pray for you through these changes as you adjust starpolisher. Certainly there is no shame in seeking professional help if you feel you need that. You will get through this emotional exhaustion. Peace be upon you!

[Puzzle Piece]

There are good and helpful replies on this thread. I would find a hobby or an interest to go and check out. Something so different it would never occur to you (not dangerous though). Meet new folks and know it's just a phase in your life you are passing through. We all tend to think that working and having family is the do all, be all, but there is more. Get to know the new you and love her.

[happygolfcartrider]

Starpolisher, PLEASE read The Noticer by Dave Andrews. There is a chapter in the book that will answer all of your questions and make you feel good about yourself again .

Please let me know if your choose to read the book.

[Marienkaefer2]

On 2/14/2015 LurkyLoo said:

On 2/11/2015 Marienkaefer2 said: I'm not in your part of life, yet, but I've undergone some changes in my life that have left me feeling similar to what you describe. I think we put pressure on ourselves to do or be what we "should." I've always found that my answers come when I stop.trying so hard to.figure things out. Just let go a bit and the answers will.come to you.

You have the right idea for one so young! I have been through so many changes just recently. Lost my only (adult) child to cancer, have been struggling with advancing RA and losing my mobility, retired from work I truly loved and moved into a retirement community. No one is better at overwhelming ones' self with fear and apprehension than I am. There is grief associated with all of it, too. Mourning for what was and what will never be again. Fearing what will be. Things did not begin to get better for me emotionally until I went ahead and did those things I needed to and learn to take it all more in stride. Acceptance. Dealing with the day's worries is often more than enough, and realizing we never really had control of most things anyway. Just release that need to try to control everything outside our power. My faith helped me to let go and let God.

I will pray for you through these changes as you adjust starpolisher. Certainly there is no shame in seeking professional help if you feel you need that. You will get through this emotional exhaustion. Peace be upon you!

Hi lurkyloo, thanks for understanding my post. I'm very sorry for all of the things you've gone through. I guess it's true that when we go through those very difficult times in life, we see what is important and what isn't. I'm a "controller" by nature. I want to grab everything by the horns and "make" it right or "make" it happen. Yet I've seen in my own life, and by what I've learned from others, sometimes you do have to let go. That doesn't mean giving up, but it DOES mean doing what you can, and leaving the rest up to God. Or, if a person is not religious, leaving the rest up to the Universe. Things work out better that way. At the very least, you spare yourself unnecessary anguish. I liked when you said about doing what you need to do and taking things in stride. I'm sorry you lost your only child to cancer. I don't think there is any hurt or grief worse than that. Blessings to you for peace.