Community Chat

[3cupcakes]

@LucyInTheSky. What you did is self-preservation.  Please don't be ashamed, embarrassed or any of that other stuff.  

Toxic people work to take our power from us.  It makes them feel "big".  Our instinct of self-preservation kicks in or we end up sick & miserable or worse.

all of the above suggestions are great. 

I hope you will find your way to cope w/this significant, emotional experience you are in the middle of.

because no one deserves to be kicked thru life, either physically or verbally.

[Mom2Dogs]

I am sorry this happened but do applaud you for coming unglued and finally telling your father how you felt.

I am estranged from two sisters....they both are mean, hateful people and never, ever wrong, at least they think they are never wrong....no matter what they do or say.

I do miss the sense of family that I once had.

I do not miss the walking on egg shells, just waiting for them to be angry about something trival.

[Irshgrl31201]

@LucyInTheSky, I am so sorry you are going through this and I am so sorry your mom has to deal with it too especially considering what she is already facing.

I think way too many people in the world stick with people that are terribly toxic in their lives simply because they are family. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with dumping those people out of your lives and as a matter of fact almost every single family therapist will tell you the same thing. If you have tried over and over with this person and keep getting that same type of behaviour that is causing havoc in your life, you OWE IT TO YOURSELF to get rid of them.

Is there anyway you could take your mom to live with you? Would she even do that? Even if it is only through her treatment, she certainly would fare much better to be out of that toxic environment even if it is just until she got through that. Stress is so bad for someone going through medical problems like that. I have had medical problems and I could not imagine having to deal with that and then have to deal with the addition strain of his behaviour. That is so unhealthy for your poor mom (and you!) Do you think that is something you could talk her into doing? I know lots of older women (and even younger women) spend years putting up with this type of behaviour for many reasons. They think they deserve it, they are used to it and after years of hearing how worthless and terrible they are, they start to believe it. There are so many reasons but what matters most now is getting her out of there. 

Even if she doesn't want to leave, you NEED to get out of that situation. It would be so much easier to avoid him if she was with you. I would spend all my attention in getting her away from him and with you. 

I personally would have no problem whatsoever with getting a restraining order from a family member if they had treated me like that for years. I know it is more difficult to do if your mother refuses to come with you. 

Please work on getting at least you someone to talk to in the mental health profession. I would try to get my mother to join me too. 

I am so sorry you are feeling shame, guilt and anxiety. I wish there was something I could do to help you. I was physically abused by my daughters father and I left him immediately with my daughter when she was a newborn and was I was homeless for a short time. I now have a  charity that helps primarily young single women, most with children so I do have some experience on getting what help there is out there for you. I would love to help you if you would be willing. If you feel like sharing the city or county you are in I could most certainly give you information for places where you could go for different kinds of help for either yourself and/or your mom. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed, guilty or shame about. Please know that. 

Also, PLEASE know that there are people here thinking about you and your mom that would like to help or even just be there to listen when you need to vent.  I don't blame you one bit for using a different nic, I do not find that to be duplicitous at all. 

[Preds]

@LucyInTheSky ... Listen to the support offered here.  You did nothing wrong or right, but needed.  Some have been thru it and some are going thru it.  We all will go there one day and you are there now.  Blessings to you and your family because you will all need it for this "adventure".  Take care of yourself ... you are going to need to be strong to make it and to get your mother and others thru these deep waters.  We'll all be with you in your heart and head.  You are not alone.

[AliJoi5]

[Stormygirl]

LucyInTheSky....a big hug to you. Is nice to see all the sound advice, loving support you have here. Is warming to see we can come for such and receive. You have been given good advice and I cant add to what has already been said except some of us know exactly what you are going through. I cried a few tears after reading your post as for me it was my toxic abusive Foster-Mother and her abuse still gives me nightmares. I cannot go into great detail but I was trapped and severely beaten almost on a daily basis....and one day after much painful abuse I snapped and broke her nose. She never hit me again but I left my toxic abusive foster family behind over 30 years ago. I miss having a family that I never had and I wish it hadn't come to blows before I finally left. I was one of 11 children given up for foster care and was shuffled in the system like a stray squirrell. There is help available today there wasn't back then. 2 of my brothers and a sister I never met killed themselves when they aged out of the antiquated foster system and lived on the streets. I am the one terminally ill now but  I am a survivor. Hugs to you and be well.

[SaRina]

I'm so sorry you are going through this devastating time, Lucy, especially with your mom's illness.

I'm assuming you are all living in the same house, though you didn't say specifically.   My concern for you is that you said your father is physically abusive.  Emotional abuse is bad enough, but physical abuse is a real danger to you each and every day.  Sounds like your dad may have a mental disorder and should be on meds of some kind.  

Bottom line is, you should be concerned about you and your mom's safety, first and foremost.  You didn't say how your father reacted after you told him off.  I would think that would make him more enraged.

There have been some good suggestions here.  I would absolutely look into speaking to a social worker, your doctor, or a local organization including Family Services or an Abuse Hotline.  Perhaps the hospital where your mom is being treated has a support service and you would be eligible because your mom is involved.  I hope you will look into this as soon as possible and I wish you all the best.

[Karlakaye]

I don't have anything to add but a prayer and a hug.  I am totally amazed and impressed by all the wise, kind, helpful people who have responded with such great support and advice.  I hope you are feeling embraced and empowered by all the responses you have received.

KK

[OnlyShopsOnline]

@LucyInTheSky I grew up in a very toxic environment.  My mother was an extreme narcissist, and could be mean, spiteful, vindictive, abusive, etc.  My father had his own issues.  

I spent a lot of years in counseling just to learn that I was a person worth being loved....even though my husband and I have been together since I was 17!  We just celebrated our 37th anniversary.

About 12 years ago, in my mid-forties, I finally found my voice and stood up to them and told them they weren't allowed to speak to me or treat me the way that they did.  I told them that they never had that right and that they were abusive.  They injected constant daily drama into our lives.  And, with my mother being narcissistic, she started to treat my daughter in a mean way, once she became a teenager.  You see, narcissistic women are threatened by other women, even if they are their daughters and granddaughters.

I had dreamed, for years, of trying to eliminate them from my life, but didn't think it was possible.  When I stood up to them, they told me not to contact them anymore.  I thank God everyday for that "gift" that they gave me.

Our lives are peaceful and happy, and we have two beautiful grandbabies.

I know you are in a different situation because of your Mom's illness.  But, I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.  And, if you can find a way, you aren't obligated to tolerate your father's treatment of you.

[catwhisperer]

@LucyInTheSky...good for you! My mother was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Decades ago I told her how much I hated her and have never regretted it for one minute. Do what you have to do for your own sanity.