Community Chat

[LucyInTheSky]

This is going to be one heck of a vent piece, so if that's not something you're interested in listening to (and I certainly don't blame you), this is your warning to head for the hills now.  I don't have anyone in my personal life I feel comfortable speaking with about this right now. 

My father is a horrible, detestable human being.  He's abused my family for as many years as I can remember... verbally (his favorite pastime) and physically.  He goes from a calm, lucid person to an unimaginable, crazed maniac in seconds.  I believe that's the true mark of someone who's abusive... that push and pull, that bait and switch.  I wish I could attribute his behavior to aging or even senility (he's sharp as a tack).  But he's always been this way, though I believe it's worsening when it should be improving at this point in his life. 

Today, I reached a breaking point and unloaded every unconscionable word I've ever wanted to say to him.  I was in an uncontrollable rage.  And despite the way I've (we've) been treated by him since I was a child, that type of rage is not in my nature.  So you know I must have really lost it.  I honestly thought it was going to come to blows.  It might still.  My poor mother has breast cancer and is very sick.  Do you think that's curbing his deplorable, shameful behavior even in the slightest?  Not one bit.  He upsets my mother with the way he treats us, and then blames us for the stress that he believes has caused her cancer.  He, of course, is the only source of stress that ever befell this family.

In case you're wondering, yes, I'm a long-time regular poster.  But I just couldn't bear to start this thread under my real nick.  For this duplicity, I apologize.  But I'm embarrassed that this has become our family.  I feel guilt, anger, self-hatred, confusion, unbearable anxiety.  I never imagined in my worst nightmare that this is how we would all end up, as time continues to slip away.  How heartbreaking! 

My dear, fellow posters... I need your support.  What a way to start the new year... 

[moejoe]

Sometimes, family or not, you have to walk away from toxic people, they will only bring you down.

[Yahooey]

I just want to send healing hugs your way. 

[Zita]

I for one applaud your anger at him! It's about time someone stood up to this abusive bully. That said, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think you were justified and right. There comes a time when it just has to come out.

There will be naysayers here, no doubt, but just know you have my support.

[Noel7]

I think it's a good thing you let him know how you feel. 

Is there any good side to him... so that you could appeal to it in your mother's interest?  If not, my suggestion for the moment is to shield your mother as much as possible, and please consider seeing a therapist at some point to help you deal with all of the issues caused by your dad.

Best wishes.

[Plaid Pants2]

I am sorry for everything that you are going through.

Have you ever considered talking to a therapist?

 It might help you learn how to deal with the stresses in your life.

I wish you the best.

[hoosieroriginal]

Family can be difficult - I agree - walk away - I've distanced myself (3,000 miles) from my children who have been very cruel to me over the years - I live with much less anxiety and guilt.  If only we could choose our family......  Take a deep breath and get away from the situation for awhile.  Hugs also to you!  A lot of us have been pushed to that point. 

[Lucky Charm]

Is there any way you could move your poor dear mother in with you?

I'm sure, no matter how much she loves or thinks she loves her husband, he's not doing her any good.

It's time for you to nurture your mother.  She nurtured you at one time.

You need to cut ties with your father, whether you rescue your mother or not.  Ignore him totally.  Just pretend he doesn't exist.

Save yourself.  Save your DM, if you can.

[JustJazzmom]

Can you get out from under their roof? Or were you over visiting? Any siblings near by to help with your Mom? Can you get your Mom out of that toxic situation? You may need to speak to a professional for ways to cope with both situations-- sick Mom & toxic Dad.

[Kachina624]

Im so sorry you have to go through this.   Yes,  there are some despicable humans who have no business living among us.   Unfortunately none of us can help,  only listen.   You really need the help of a trained family counselor.   Perhaps the place you're mom is being treated has a social worker or can suggest someone.   For her sake,  as well as that of the family,  find someone fast.   In the meantime,  I'd just try to avoid your dad.   Your mom doesn't need more worries.   If you can't find a medical social worker,  call Family Services in your area.