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Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,704
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

Re: I Can't Stop Crying

[ Edited ]

There is such stigma when it comes to having to enter a nursing home. I think if you keep an eye on your Mom, visit at meal time and ask questions, check her skin. The only reason nursing care is poor in the nursing home is because the nurses are tied to the desk or the medicine cart and they don't employ enough nurses aides. I know this because I volunteered at several nursing homes. I saw that the people who worked there loved those old people and did the best for them they could. The people who run these homes should be in jail, not the people who are trying to do their best to take care of the residents. When my Dad was in a nursing home my younger brother who was his MPOA would not let the nursing home get away with anything. My brother finally got our Dad into a VA hospital where they had elder care and that's where he died. The care was adequate there,  I don't think they would have taken the grief my brother heaped on the private nursing home. Hope things work out for your family.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,152
Registered: ‎02-05-2018

I'm so sorry, Jordan. 

 

My mom has dementia and my sister is her primary care taker with my father. She fell and broke her hip a month or so ago and was in the hospital and rehab for a while, as well. My sister is with her as much as she can be and is a fantastic caretaker, but my dad does not take it seriously and thinks mom is fine to do things like to to the bathroom on her own. I had to explain to him that she cannot do that alone and I had to catch her one day as she was pulling her pants back up. I know it scared the hell out of me and the worst part was the fear on her face when she lost her balance.

 

I worry for her all the time.

 

But please take care of yourself, too and do not be too hard on yourself. I have no doubt at all that you did the absolute best you were capable of, but I also know that it is not a job one person can continue to do alone without risking their own health and sanity. I am so glad that you are going to find her the best place you can and please know that while I may not know you, my heart is with you as you work through this.

 

Once you get your mother settled, I encourage you to reach out to some eldercare community or church groups. I go to support groups to learn more and just be able to talk to people who understand what it's like and it's been such a help. They've enabled me to learn more about what my sister goes through, how to support her from another state, and with my own emotions and guilt for not being closer.

 

It's so hard to be a caretaker and expend all your energy on someone you love, but then have no one to take care of you when it gets hard. Much love to you, @Jordan2.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,582
Registered: ‎12-13-2010

Hi Jordan,

You have been a wonderful daughter to your mother. Take comfort in knowing she has been in your loving care and how lucky you have been to share her very long life. Wishing you and your family best wishes.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,173
Registered: ‎10-03-2014

It's so difficult when our parents reach this age.  Things can happen in a split second.  We feel helpless.  Don't blame yourself.  Taking care of elder parents is so difficult.  Most can't even imagine.  Many wouldn't even try.  Caretakers often wear out.  Sounds like you need a rest.  

 

I'll be praying for your mother and you, too. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Jordan2 ...I am praying for you and your beloved mother.  How lucky she is to have you and your sister who love and care for her as much as both of you do.  If and when she goes you will embrace the memories of your life with her and hopefully they will give you comfort.  God Bless your family.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,084
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

 @Jordan2   My heart aches for you. We are never ready to lose our beloved parents.I've been through it .My mom passed over 20 years ago & I still miss her every day.

    I will keep you in my thoughts.Please try to be strong. Your dear mother wants you to be strong & go on.She will forever live in your loving heart.You did all that you could.You should be very proud of yourself.💐

Valued Contributor
Posts: 811
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Prayers sent to your Mom, you and your sister.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,417
Registered: ‎04-27-2015

@blackhole99 wrote:

There is such stigma when it comes to having to enter a nursing home. I think if you keep an eye on your Mom, visit at meal time and ask questions, check her skin. The only reason nursing care is poor in the nursing home is because the nurses are tied to the desk or the medicine cart and they don't employ enough nurses aides. I know this because I volunteered at several nursing homes. I saw that the people who worked there loved those old people and did the best for them they could. The people who run these homes should be in jail, not the people who are trying to do their best to take care of the residents. When my Dad was in a nursing home my younger brother who was is MPOA would not let the nursing home get away with anything. My brother finally our Dad into a VA hospital where they had elder care and that's where he died. The care was adequate there, but I don't think they would have taken the grief my brother heaped on the private nursing home. Hope things work out for your family.


@blackhole99  I work in a nursing home and we are always short staffed with aids and nurses, very sad. Our problem is no one wants to work. New hires last a week or two and they are gone. One person never came back from lunch. A hand full truly do care for the residents and others it is a paycheck. We are always short on laundry and medical supplies...these people are paying top $$$.  Good for your  brother calling them out on things and a good move to

move your dad. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,407
Registered: ‎07-07-2010

@Jordan2  I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.  I hope that your mother is getting excellent care in the hospital so that you can take care of yourself.  Too often, people neglect their own well-being while caring for a loved one.  Sending prayers to you and your family.

The next time that I hear salt and ice together, it better be in a margarita!
Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,488
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@Jordan2 - I'm just really sorry.  I don't have any words of wisdom for you. It's just a very difficult time for your mom and all of you and I'm very sorry. 


Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?