Community Chat

[software]

I would worry that I need to take care of HER, instead of the other way around.

[aroc3435]

@CrazyKittyLvr2 Sounds as though your sister has the same fierce "General Patton" type personality--Advance, Advance--as my daughter does.   It's the I know best and I'll take charge of everything trait.  Has all the best intentions with it but can really stand on the last nerve of those around her at times when she gets in that mode.  Of course, I love her dearly, but . . . 

I haven't read through all the replies you have gotten yet, but I think @porcelain has the best idea.  And even though it is not quite "true" it is, sort of, because even though your knee replacement will hopefully go smoothly it would be nice to have your sister come after your adult children need to resume their normal work schedules.

I know that when I am ill, or right after a major hospital event, I really like the least fussing over me and the most sleep as possible.  It is how I get the quickest to feeling better and on the mend.  

During my last hospital stay eighteen months ago I actually totally lost it with a well-intentioned resident.  Told him I had been awake straight for well over twenty-four hours and was finally just getting a little sleep which I desperately needed after a bad accident that was going to require major surgery.  

Told him I know that was part of his learning process to interview me but I had been through the emergency room in two different hospitals because the original one didn't have the proper surgeon for the speciaized surgery I would need and could he please come back later in the day and I'd repeat all the info for him, but meanwhile just feel free to read my chart.

Wishing you success in getting your well meaning sister to comply with your request,  and praying that your total knee replacement surgery goes well.

[Sage04]

@CrazyKittyLvr2  you can always paint your house a totally different color or two and put different house numbers on. If that doesn´t work, just don´t answer the door lol

[CrazyKittyLvr2]

@Sage04   Great idea of not answering the door.  She would call the police to do a wellness check on me.  I'm not kidding.

[Maestra1]

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@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

@CrazyKittyLvr2 

No idea what a TKR is, but you could have your DH speak to her DH.

Or better yet, tell her you're already covered for help, but assign her some other project.

I really hate it when people decide to "help" in the way they want to,  rather than asking "what can I do to help?"  Be as firm with her as necessary.

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OP is recently widowed.

[stevieb]

@CrazyKittyLvr2  If you've tried the honest and forthright discussion, well... when all else fails, maybe a fib is in order... Yes, you read that right. If the goal is to not have her come and yet not hurt her feelings then simply tell her the plans have changed and you'll be in a rehab facility for the first week (or for however long you want to delay her visit) after surgery. That once you're home you would welcome her visit. My mother had both TKR's and for the first one she was literally put in a rehab facility for a little over a week. The second time, it was only for a few days, so it's not outside the realm of possibility.  If you think she'll want to come just to visit you in the facility then tell her the date has changed or tell her you'll be staying with your daughter for the first week or two... Tell her whatever it takes to get her to back off... It sounds like a lousy thing to do, I realize, but if she won't take no for an answer, I agree with the point of view that you shouldn't have her there to meet her needs but to meet yours. 

[suzyQ3]

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@Havarti wrote:

She sounds like someone who will not take "NO" for an answer.  She also sounds like someone who needs to be needed.  This is a horrible solution but...have you considered telling her a little fib?  You could say they changed your plans and it looks like you will be going to in-patient rehab for a period of time to take full advantage of physical therapy and build your mobility at your own speed.  You don't know where or for how long yet.  You will keep her posted on your progress.  You have been told you will be very busy in PT/OT or likely sleepy & resting between sessions but will let her know more about your needs once you know yourself.  You are entitled to recover on your own terms.

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@Havarti& @stevieb , you both advise that the OP engage in a little fib. I can see how that might be a solution. But from my experience, the OP may find herself in an even worse situation if this bulldog of a sister won't give up. Then the OP is not just dealing with the sister but with her own lie. I think it's better for the OP to be blunt than to make it potentially much worse.

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave...when first we practice to deceive.”

[stevieb]

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@suzyQ3 wrote:

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@Havarti wrote:

She sounds like someone who will not take "NO" for an answer.  She also sounds like someone who needs to be needed.  This is a horrible solution but...have you considered telling her a little fib?  You could say they changed your plans and it looks like you will be going to in-patient rehab for a period of time to take full advantage of physical therapy and build your mobility at your own speed.  You don't know where or for how long yet.  You will keep her posted on your progress.  You have been told you will be very busy in PT/OT or likely sleepy & resting between sessions but will let her know more about your needs once you know yourself.  You are entitled to recover on your own terms.

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@Havarti& @stevieb , you both advise that the OP engage in a little fib. I can see how that might be a solution. But from my experience, the OP may find herself in an even worse situation if this bulldog of a sister won't give up. Then the OP is not just dealing with the sister but with her own lie. I think it's better for the OP to be blunt than to make it potentially much worse.

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave...when first we practice to deceive.”

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Note @suzyQ3 the preamble to my suggestion: "If you've tried the honest and forthright discussion"...

[suzyQ3]

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@stevieb wrote:

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@suzyQ3 wrote:

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@Havarti wrote:

She sounds like someone who will not take "NO" for an answer.  She also sounds like someone who needs to be needed.  This is a horrible solution but...have you considered telling her a little fib?  You could say they changed your plans and it looks like you will be going to in-patient rehab for a period of time to take full advantage of physical therapy and build your mobility at your own speed.  You don't know where or for how long yet.  You will keep her posted on your progress.  You have been told you will be very busy in PT/OT or likely sleepy & resting between sessions but will let her know more about your needs once you know yourself.  You are entitled to recover on your own terms.

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@Havarti& @stevieb , you both advise that the OP engage in a little fib. I can see how that might be a solution. But from my experience, the OP may find herself in an even worse situation if this bulldog of a sister won't give up. Then the OP is not just dealing with the sister but with her own lie. I think it's better for the OP to be blunt than to make it potentially much worse.

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave...when first we practice to deceive.”

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Note @suzyQ3 the preamble to my suggestion: "If you've tried the honest and forthright discussion"...

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@stevieb, I inferred from what the OP said in the last two sentences of her second  paragraph and the first sentence in her third one that she had tried to do that. It sounds as if she should try harder and be more blunt.

[stevieb]

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@suzyQ3 wrote:

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@stevieb wrote:

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@suzyQ3 wrote:

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@Havarti wrote:

She sounds like someone who will not take "NO" for an answer.  She also sounds like someone who needs to be needed.  This is a horrible solution but...have you considered telling her a little fib?  You could say they changed your plans and it looks like you will be going to in-patient rehab for a period of time to take full advantage of physical therapy and build your mobility at your own speed.  You don't know where or for how long yet.  You will keep her posted on your progress.  You have been told you will be very busy in PT/OT or likely sleepy & resting between sessions but will let her know more about your needs once you know yourself.  You are entitled to recover on your own terms.

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@Havarti& @stevieb , you both advise that the OP engage in a little fib. I can see how that might be a solution. But from my experience, the OP may find herself in an even worse situation if this bulldog of a sister won't give up. Then the OP is not just dealing with the sister but with her own lie. I think it's better for the OP to be blunt than to make it potentially much worse.

“Oh, what a tangled web we weave...when first we practice to deceive.”

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Note @suzyQ3 the preamble to my suggestion: "If you've tried the honest and forthright discussion"...

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@stevieb, I inferred from what the OP said in the last two sentences of her second  paragraph and the first sentence in her third one that she had tried to do that. It sounds as if she should try harder and be more blunt.

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@suzyQ3  One assumes she could absolutely forbid her sister to come... I guess my thinking was she didn't feel she wanted to do that or did not feel she could do that. Clearly, it sounds like that's what it would take... Awww... good intentions, and that paved road to, well, we all know where...