How to elicit a little understanding

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

For the past three months I have experienced some unpleasant health problems. Medical tests have all proved negative so far but the symptoms persist. My husband tells me that I should embrace the good news and stop worrying. I have tried to explain I am grateful that nothing awful has been found but the very uncomfortable symptoms persist and I just wish I could be rid of them. On top of this, I learned this week I may have skin cancer...basal cell. I had melanoma in 2001 so I am vigilant and hopeful the biopsy will turn out OK. However, my husband's only response is to tell me not to be concerned unless and until I get bad news. When he has been ill he is the world's worrier and I have been sympathetic. I feel cheated that he seems incapable of reciprocating when I have health probems. I guess I'm looking for ways to communicate my feelings better than I may have done. I'm not pessimistic. I'm uncomfortable, and as a melanoma survivor it's not loony to be concerned about a skin cancer biopsy. What am I missing...and what is he missing?

BigOrangeKitty · ‎04-24-2012

I think what you're missing is that he's a man, and lots of times a man doesn't know how to express their feelings so they'd rather ignore the problem or brush it off as not so serious. In fact, he loves you very much and doesn't know quite what to do and just doesn't want you to worry. A lot of men are like that. I hope you feel better and all goes well.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

In my experience BigOrangeKitty is right on....I know my husband cares deeply but just does a not so great job of expressing his feelings when needed. My dh is a man of few words.

LurkyLoo · ‎08-01-2013

Probably his way of trying to protect you, as silly as it sounds, and protect himself too. He is right in that worry and anxiety can't help any of us, only makes matters worse.. But it is so much easier said than done. Try to gently remind him how you tried to be supportive and comforting during such times when he was afraid, and how you really need the same right now. Men usually want to "fix" things- most are not the best listeners. I will be praying for you Vivian. Oh course you're concerned, anyone would be. No point in denying your feelings. We have to work "through" them, as you know from past experience. I'll pray the greatest Comforter of all will help you in doing that.

Vivian · ‎03-11-2010

Thank you so much! Your responses make so much sense and have brought me great comfort.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I have been married nearly 40 years to a man who loves me very much. He will physically do absolutely anything and everything to make me happy, is there for me through thick and thin, but when it comes to bolstering me emotionally, he just is not my go-to person. My husband does exactly what your husband is doing; stands firm on the reasoning that you don't worry until you know there's something to worry about, and tries to maintain the strong image that he's not worrying either. However, I know my husband well enough to know when he is quite worried, and is overwhelmed by his own scaired thoughts of what would he do without me. I have long accepted that my husband is not capable of having that emotional connection with me when I need it, and honestly, I have only found that connection with my mother and my very best friends. Prayers and very best wishes that all turns out well for you Vivian.

hckynut · ‎03-10-2010

I have had many very serious health issues and I am not one to say "why me". My wife has been through all of them with me and right at my side. The primary concern for my serious health events is for my wife not myself. The patient is the one getting the care from the professionals, not my spouse.

My wife has also had a few serious health issues and I was by her side for all of them. While I am one that tells everyone to be optimistic, I am also a person that is a realist. Sure my wife had more trouble dealing with her issues than I because we are different people and everyone does not see things exactly the same.

When my wife was concerned about something in particular while recovering from her stroke, I listened and we discussed it. She was never dismissive of me nor me to her.

As for you husband? He is like the majority of men that think they are in heII when they get even a slight sickness. Some need their every detail done by nurses or a spouse or SO. I don't know your or his age, but if his falls into the "older category"? I haven't a clue how you could "elicit more understanding" from him.

This old man just does not understand a spouse treating the other in such a manner, especially one that has been through some serious problems with their health. I think some of it comes down to how a person is raised and the environment in which they felt they belonged to as they aged.

Wish you the best with getting some answers to the things that are still bothering you.

hckynut(john)

lolakimono · ‎03-29-2012

Men don't go to the doctor; I'm guessing that despite receiving news that everything is OK, he thinks it's strange (for you) to keep going. ${#emotions_dlg.unsure}$

That's why we have women's intuition. Keep at it if you don't feel well and get to the bottom of it.

Have you considered seeing a naturopathic physician?

cody2 · ‎03-19-2010

Vivian, trust me, you are not alone. While they may love us, they don't always understand us. The just can't seem to help it. Go with your gut and persist with your health care. You know how and what you feel. Keep us posted.

WaJa61 · ‎09-10-2012

(((Vivian))), I think it's just how most men cope. Anything else may make them feel weak. I could give you plenty of examples from my DH's attempts to stop me from worrying, including deliberately drawing anger from me, so I'll "forget" the problems on my mind. Then, I am both angry and stressed out. But love me, he does.

You may not voluntarily get the words you need to hear, but giving him ways to help you might elicit some comfort and assurance that he certainly does love you, and care about what you're enduring. He just can't stand the thought of you being afraid! Ask him for a hug: "I need a hug -- want to draw some strength from you." Or ask for a gentle neck massage; some quiet time over a cup of tea, snuggle up and watch a movie together, etc. Little things can mean a lot, and it gives him things he can do to comfort you.

I'll be praying for your very best. Do keep us posted!