Community Chat

[lobstergal]

First of all, my sympathies for your loss.

When I lost my 2 grand babies and my husband (all separately) the thing that bothered me the most and still does is that people tend to not talk about or even mention the name of the person who died. They actually seem to intentionally avoid talking about the person and would try to change the subject quickly when I brought up their names.

I would suggest you tell your friend how much joy her child brought to your life and how much you will miss them. You could also say "I remember when" and share that special memory with her. Most people who have lost someone they loved deeply wants nothing  more (other than the obvious - to have them back) is to keep their memory alive. You could bring her a candle, light it with her and say a little prayer together. Bring food and make sure she eats even if it's only a few bites. When things settle down offer to help her make a little memorial in a garden or place of her choosing. And the biggest thing of all is to continue to be there because she will probably be surrounded by lots of people now but after a few weeks everyone else has moved on and that's when she will really need you the most. 

[goldensrbest]

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@lobstergal wrote:

First of all, my sympathies for your loss.

When I lost my 2 grand babies and my husband (all separately) the thing that bothered me the most and still does is that people tend to not talk about or even mention the name of the person who died. They actually seem to intentionally avoid talking about the person and would try to change the subject quickly when I brought up their names.

I would suggest you tell your friend how much joy her child brought to your life and how much you will miss them. You could also say "I remember when" and share that special memory with her. Most people who have lost someone they loved deeply wants nothing  more (other than the obvious - to have them back) is to keep their memory alive. You could bring her a candle, light it with her and say a little prayer together. Bring food and make sure she eats even if it's only a few bites. When things settle down offer to help her make a little memorial in a garden or place of her choosing. And the biggest thing of all is to continue to be there because she will probably be surrounded by lots of people now but after a few weeks everyone else has moved on and that's when she will really need you the most. 

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Having my son shane die at 27 , this post of lobstergal,is the best advice.

[KathyPet]

As someone who lost my son when he was 20 lobster gal's advice is the best I have seen.  It hurt terribly when well meaning friends wanted to change the subject or simply not talk about Mike at all.  The greatest comfort were friends who would bring him up and tell me how they missed him or tell me a story about something he did or said.  The biggest sorrow was when I felt Mike was being forgotten by friends.

[pattypeep]

Responding to this loss over the years, I usually just speak from my heart: "My heart is breaking for you. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through. I pray for God to give you the strength you need", etc.

[chrystaltree]

 You can't comfort that person, there's nothing you can say or do.  I assume since you heard from a third party that you aren't very close.  Just send a condolence note or a card that includes a personal note.  That will let the person know that you care and have the family in your heart and prayers.  

[Mominohio]

For all of you here who have shared you losses, I'm so sorry that any of you had to go through such a thing.

I do want to offer up a perspective that some may not have considered. Several here have mentioned that it makes them sad when their friends or family don't bring up their lost loved one, especially after some time has passed.

I have a friend, who has experienced a lot of losses in her life. She has told me, that after someone she knows has suffered a loss, and some 'reasonable time' has passed, she chooses not to bring up the name of the deceased very often, because she thinks that maybe for the first time that (day, week, month etc.) they aren't consumed in their grief. For maybe just a few minutes, or a couple of hours, their mind is somewhere else, and they are getting some peace from the sadness, and she doesn't want to interrupt that peace. 

She says that if the friend brings up the person, she will talk for hours if that is what they need, or share happily when they remembering the happy things. She knows from her own experience, that sometimes getting through such tough losses comes in very small increments of time, and she is just trying to be considerate of any peace or time from the pain they may be having.

I'm sure not everyone will feel this way, but I found it rather profound when she explained it to me, and hope that sharing it here might help some realize that others aren't ignoring or forgetting your loss, but attempting to let you guide just when you want to share, and how you want to share. Some of those people who are disappointing you are just sad for you and don't know what to say or do, and others are hoping you are having some peace from the pain, and don't want to interfere with that peace in any given moment.   

[LilacTree]

Your reaction should (and probably will) come naturally.  Don't try to plan it, as it will then seem contrived.

I don't know how anyone could not be devastated by such a loss and I'm sure your natural reaction will surface easily.

[LilacTree]

I lost my beloved sister four years ago, and every time I see my niece (her youngest) the tears automatically come for both of us.  And we hug, no words spoken. 

It's usually a family gathering (like this past Thanksgiving) and someone in the family always starts a conversation about her, and there are some comical things that we laugh about.  The facts are that she is always with us when we're together.

As for me, she is with me every day.  Within minutes of waking up, she is in my thoughts.

To lose a child, as did happen to a co-worker of mine, this child was her granddaughter.  I had held this child (who had brain cancer) on my lap many times.  It was a personal loss to me.  My co-worker gave me a photo of her and my daughter painted a portrait and I gave it to her privately at the office.  That was a very emotional experience for both of us (and we had never been particularly close).

[YorkieonmyPillow]

There is nothing you can say or do in a situation like that, the only thing you can do is be there for them.

[LilacTree]

One of my daughters had four miscarriages, two, then a live baby, then two more (one of which was a second trimester) and finally another live baby.  She mourned each of those children so much that I was alarmed for her.  She is so grateful for her two girls, now 13 and almost 16, that she spoils them somewhat.  But fortunately they are good girls who do beautifully in school and abide by my daughter's rules and regs.

The first two lost had her so distraught because she thought she was going to be unable to have children, since she was already 35.  When she finally had one, she tried again three more times and finally had her second daughter on her third try.  Those were difficult years.