Community Chat

[pommom]

My sis lost her husband in August. We've been inseparable since - what with life ins claims forms, SS admin stuff to take care of, closing his credit card account, ad nauseum. I helped her with claim forms and all the rest b/c she just couldn't focus and felt overwhelmed.

She attended grief counseling and is doing as well as can be expected.

In the midst of all of this trauma for the entire family, I met a very nice gentleman. We have seen each other a few times and really enjoy each other's company. The problem is that she's made it known she doesn't approve of him. I've asked her to pin point what exactly it is that she doesn't like about him and she can't. She's leery of him (???) and it's clear she doesn't like his joining us at family celebrations, dinner, or just to hang out.

She knows because I've told her that I make my own decisions about who I see and would appreciate my family's support. This guy is the real thing. Retired for a few months and because of his reputation as a craftsman, is booked until the end of the year. He loves what he does. He's a happy person and treats me with the utmost of respect.

I don't need her approval or permission to continue to see him, but it sure would be nice if she would give him a chance. Makes for awkward situations.

Any suggestions?

[adelle38]

It sounds like your sister is very much afraid of losing you. She's still grieving for her husband and counts on you for support. Try telling her you'll always be there for her no matter what happens with the man in your life. How does your gentleman feel about all this?

[Big Sister]

I think her reaction to him is simply due to her situation of being a new widow. Be patient with her and don't talk non-stop about him for now, if you've been doing that.

Give her time and she will come around, but right now he is very new in your lives and everyone needs time to get to really know him.

[Lindsays Grandma]

On 10/30/2014 bigsister said:

I think her reaction to him is simply due to her situation of being a new widow. Be patient with her and don't talk non-stop about him for now, if you've been doing that.

Give her time and she will come around, but right now he is very new in your lives and everyone needs time to get to really know him.

I agree with this but I will add one thing for pommom. Please do not allow your sister to make you feel guilty in anyway for seeing this man. I know she is hurting and she fears losing you but this is your life and your happiness. I am happy for you and I wish you all the luck in the world.

[raven-blackbird]

On 10/30/2014 Lindsays Grandma said:

On 10/30/2014 bigsister said:

I think her reaction to him is simply due to her situation of being a new widow. Be patient with her and don't talk non-stop about him for now, if you've been doing that.

Give her time and she will come around, but right now he is very new in your lives and everyone needs time to get to really know him.

I agree with this but I will add one thing for pommom. Please do not allow your sister to make you feel guilty in anyway for seeing this man. I know she is hurting and she fears losing you but this is your life and your happiness. I am happy for you and I wish you all the luck in the world.

good advise from both.................go with it........................................raven

[qualitygal]

Bear with her, allow her to get further along in her grief. She probably just has become dependent on you at this time to help her through it. I am sure it is overwhelming. In time, if you can bear it with her, she'll go back to mostly normal. This is the 100% on the stress factor scale, so she's mentally challenged getting through this. Hang in there, she's going through some rough seas right now, thank you for helping her out.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

I would see them separately and I wouldn't talk about him to sister, or bring him to family events. A new man in the family probably makes her miss her DH that much more.

You shouldn't feel guilty. I just wouldn't mention him to sister at this present time. She is very raw and vulnerable emotionally.

I'm sure your new beau will understand.

[pommom]

Thanks, ladies, for your gentle advise. Yes, I've pondered the fact that she's still working through this tremendous loss and I'm proud of how she's maintained her exercise program and allowed a little socializing with her life-long friends. it's good for her to get out.

At some point, I decided I had to go on with my life. My grown children have accepted him and told me that they see how he lights up my eyes and vice versa.

My fella hasn't said or shown signs of being snubbed. Perhaps, he, too, realizes how tough this has been for her and is allowing her room to breathe.

Perhaps over time… (((sigh)))

[Say Nay]

On 10/31/2014 pommom said:

Thanks, ladies, for your gentle advise. Yes, I've pondered the fact that she's still working through this tremendous loss and I'm proud of how she's maintained her exercise program and allowed a little socializing with her life-long friends. it's good for her to get out.

At some point, I decided I had to go on with my life. My grown children have accepted him and told me that they see how he lights up my eyes and vice versa.

My fella hasn't said or shown signs of being snubbed. Perhaps, he, too, realizes how tough this has been for her and is allowing her room to breathe.

Perhaps over time… (((sigh)))

A good man is hard to find these days and he sounds like a keeper. You can listen to your sister and be empathetic but still put yourself first. Don't feel guilty.

Ah amour

[missy1]

Why would you bring a guy you have dated a few times, to family celebrations?