Community Chat

[wismiss]

How long does it take to adjust to your life without a loved one?  My ex-husband (we were married 41 1/2 years and remained good friends) passed six months ago yesterday.  And, I just got back from the grocery store.  Every time I go to the grocery store I see certain foods that he loved and I  think "I need to buy that for when he comes up the next time," and then realize he isn't ever coming again.  I see women with their husbands or significant others and feel so alone and hope each spouse/significant other realizes how fortunate they are to have one another and cherish the time they have together.  A friend of mine told me he wishes that my life will eventually not be "counted" by the anniversary of P's death.  I understand what he was saying, but right now that is what it is.  I thought when I lost my mother, my brother, and my sister-in-law that I could not possibly feel more grief than at those times.  But, each of them had illnesses that "prepared" me for their loss and I was comforted in knowing that they were no longer in pain.  But, P's sudden death due to a traffic accident that was not his fault but due to the negligence of an uninsured driver with a suspended license who was driving someone else's vehicle and who crossed over the center line and hit P head on has really thrown me for a loop.  

Do you think it is more difficult to work through grief when it is a sudden and unexpected death?

[Pink123]

@wismiss  First off I'm so sorry to read abut the loss of your ex.

I was widowed at 46 having had a 23 year marriage.  He was 52 when he died of cancer.  He was in great shape and it was so unexpected.  One day he had a sharp pain and that was it. I had him home for 6 months before he passed with the help of hospice.  

Personally speaking only for myself I think it's easier when you have those few months to process what will happen soon.  I was grateful for that time together even though he was out of it most of the time.  Of course the grief was still awful after it was over.

For me it took one year before I started to feel myself again.  I knew I was left here for a reason and so I forged ahead and built a new life for myself.

Be kind to yourself, take all the time you  need. It will get better. All the best to you.

[qvcfreak]

I think sudden deaths take longer to heal. 

My nephew was killed by a drunk driver at 35, she’ll be coming up for parole soon. 

My nephew had just made supervisor and was doing great. I miss him every day but it does get better.

Blessings to you.

[mspatmac]

I am so sorry for your loss @wismiss and I do believe it's a double shock when it is so unexpected.

We all grieve differently in our own way and in our own time. Do what's comfortable for you and relish the great times you had together.  Prayers for you're healing.

[manny2]

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@wismiss wrote:

How long does it take to adjust to your life without a loved one?  My ex-husband (we were married 41 1/2 years and remained good friends) passed six months ago yesterday.  And, I just got back from the grocery store.  Every time I go to the grocery store I see certain foods that he loved and I  think "I need to buy that for when he comes up the next time," and then realize he isn't ever coming again.  I see women with their husbands or significant others and feel so alone and hope each spouse/significant other realizes how fortunate they are to have one another and cherish the time they have together.  A friend of mine told me he wishes that my life will eventually not be "counted" by the anniversary of P's death.  I understand what he was saying, but right now that is what it is.  I thought when I lost my mother, my brother, and my sister-in-law that I could not possibly feel more grief than at those times.  But, each of them had illnesses that "prepared" me for their loss and I was comforted in knowing that they were no longer in pain.  But, P's sudden death due to a traffic accident that was not his fault but due to the negligence of an uninsured driver with a suspended license who was driving someone else's vehicle and who crossed over the center line and hit P head on has really thrown me for a loop.  

Do you think it is more difficult to work through grief when it is a sudden and unexpected death?

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@wismiss I am so sorry for your loss. We are never prepared for death. This is the hardest part of grief. You have to get back to the business of living, and normalcy. While nothing is normal. We have to create a new normal, and that takes time. 

.  

[spiderw]

It has been my experience that whether someone passing suddenly or from a long illness is always difficult.  The process of grief is individual and some get through it better than others.  However, we all go through grief and its emotions, then healing to the point where we don't have the pain of grief but a void in our hearts.  

Just yesterday I was listening to some old music and many songs brought tears to my eyes as I related them to someone who has passed.  While the memories are cherished and good, sadness mixes in because that person is no longer with me.  

I am sorry for your loss and hope that you will find strength to face each day and heal knowing that it will get better as time goes by.

[AuntG]

@wismiss you've been through something unimaginable so time may be measured this way for a long time. I feel bad because of the recklessness of that driver; had even one thing happened differently,  your ex would be alive today.

[Vivian]

Grief has no formula. We each experience it differently. There are different kinds of grief too. My soon-to-be 100 year old mother will not last much longer. My dog has terminal cancer. I know what's coming but I don't know whether the knowledge will make the losses any easier. My husband has Alzheimer's. I am already grieving the loss of who he was. I guess what I'm saying is don't beat yourself up. If the grief feels intolerable, speak to your doctor or perhaps a counselor. I was part of a grief support group last fall because my doctor felt I could benefit from it. I did.

[LindaSal]

I am sorry for your loss....  No one can answer your question as others said, we all grieve differently and at different paces.  I do believe that sudden deaths are more difficult as you are also dealing with shock, not just the loss.    We have all been through trauma and it is so sad, but take the time you need to deal with it all.   As far as measuring your life around the "anniversary", that is perfectly normal and frankly expected.

I wish you the best.

[Imaoldhippie]

I believe that no one is ever "prepared" for the death of anyone.  The deceased may have had an illness and everyone was aware there was no recovery and when the death occurs its still a blow and the grieving process starts.

I also believe that an unexpected death is a double whammy because you have the shock, then the reality sets in along with the grieving process.

The grieving process lasts as long as it lasts for different people.  Some a shorter time others longer.  It takes as long as it takes.

You seem to be having a very difficult time with your ex's death, he must have been an ex for some reason.  Not saying it should hurt less, just that it is causing you a lot of stress and unhappiness.  Since it is an ex if your grief does not start subsiding in a few more weeks may I suggest that you see some grief counseling?

May God bless and help with your healing.