Re: Hosting holiday/retired husband, a vent

Allegheny · ‎03-19-2010

You know @Foxxee part of me that agrees with you. But then again I think it depends upon the man.

My own brother is one of those. He certainly knows what needs to be done and how, but feels cleaning the inside of the house is "womens work" if there is a woman residing in the house. Even after being divorced for a few years and knowing better he still can't shake that attitude. Many times when he is doing his complaining about the condition of the house. I'll say to him "Well what about you? You live there too."

On the other hand, I know many men; single and married who forego the male/female role issue and know what needs done and do it.

luvbnagirl · ‎03-12-2010

Sounds to me like things have been this way for a very long time. If you don't want to do all the work, don't host the dinner. Otherwise, expect that you will do all the work as has always been the case and just get it done.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

@petepetey wrote:
As we all know being the host of a holiday event is a lot of work, a lot of planning, a lot
of cooking and cleaning.

My husband is retired. He will do what he is asked to do but would never do something
on his own.

Today I was running the vacuum and this happens all the time---he shuts the door of the room he is in because it's too loud. Well, what do you think I am hearing? It insults me.

Another example-- I brought home a loaf of bread and set it upright on the counter.
A bit later it fell on the floors, yes probably because I set it there not flat down. So, he asked me later if I meant to put the bread on the floor, and no he didn't see it and pick it up. To be sassy I said from now on we store our bread right here on the floor in this spot.

Wish he could just help more!!!!!

@petepetey Yep. For better or worse and no one promised it'd be 50/50.

CrazyKittyLvr2 · ‎05-11-2013

I was lucky in that my DH was very good aabout helping. He retired 4 yrs. before I did and often asked if there was something I needed him to do. He took care of the cars, lawn etc, but often I would come home and he had mopped the floors or the clotheslines were full. I told him he didn't have to do all that and his response was why not, you're working and I'm home. His Father wasn't like that. I just never had to ask.

My Dad helped my Mom too. Mom's 2 sisters both married men who expected to be waited on hand and foot. Heaven forbid they wash a dish or even lift a finger.

All I ever expected was pick up after yourself. Period. If I wanted to be a maid I'd want to get paid for doing it.

Shanus · ‎05-17-2010

Sorry, but some men are like kids. DH and I ironed a lot of this out before we were married...not that there aren't slip ups. I found a sign years ago in the front of Cracker Barrel that has hung in every kitchen of every apartment to every house we lived: If you dropped it, pick it up. If you broke it, fix it. If you cooked it, clean it up, If you took it out, put it away, etc. I see these lists on Pinterest all the time. It may be worth printing it out, framing it and hanging it in plain view. Handle the situation with a little humor.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

If the OP were considerate, she would have closed the door to the room her husband was in so the noise wouldn't disturb him. Consideration goes both ways.

AuntG · ‎03-09-2010

Your examples strike me as rather common. Can you talk to him about the things that bother you? Also, there is no crime in telling him what you need help with. Sometimes it is our own stress level that causes the frustration. Last year, I hosted over forty members of DH's family for Christmas with zero stress. This year, we had early Thanksgiving for twenty guests and I felt moderately stressed. What I concluded was with the jam-packed house, it was bound to look like a tornado hit the minute guests arrived carrying all their stuff (kids with new favorite toys too). However with a smaller number of people, I wanted the house to stay nice looking, yet provide enough seating for all. The whole "appearance" thing is what got to me.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

Obviously, you are venting and that's good. It sounds like you have been married for quite a while and this is the way your husband has always been and you have always accepted it. This is the man you are married too, if you thought there was any reason to believe that he would more considerate and help out around the house; you would have had that conversation a long time ago. You have too look at the whole picture. Think about the things he DOES for you and your home and compare that to the bread sitting on the floor waiting for you to pick it up. There are things that I do wish hubby would do, like really clean the kitchen after he cooks dinner instead of leaving it for me. Putting is wet towels in the hamper instead of leaving them on the tub for me to take care of. Putting more water in the fridge after he has take the last bottle. It would be nice if he ran the vacuum over the carpets betweeen our cleaning lady's visits. Those things and a few others irk me at times. I take a deep breath and I remember that he takes care of my car as far as the tires, oil changes, tune ups. If I have to park in the back of the parking lot, he will keep an eye out on the spaces and move my car to space in front of the door that I like best. I've battled my weight for our entire marriage, he's basically weighted the same since his navy days. Yet, whenever I am dieting or eating healthy; he joins right in with me. He won't bring in any foods that would tempt me. He becomes my coach and my cheerleader. I'm sure there's a thing or two that I do or don't do that bother him too, even if he has never said anything. My point is, that after 35 years life together is like a dance. We step on each other's toes from time to time but it's ok, we're still having fun.

silkyk · ‎03-03-2011

Perhaps remind him that YOU didn't retire and are still on the job every darn day. Stand up for yourself! Let that bread sit on the floor till he picks it up! (just step on over it) Or ask him WHY he didn't pick it up. Retired for him should not mean LAZY. It just means lots more work for YOU if you don't speak up.

Gorgf · ‎03-10-2010

@Shanus I thought it was so nice of your DH to fold clothes you laundered on your nap day. Awwwww

I asked my ex to vacuum and he said there was too much stuff to vacuum around. He was right ,but could of hit the high spots. It used to get me about the dishes in the sink that couldn't make it to the dishwasher.

I know my Father didn't do much not I because it was never good enough for my Mother. When retired he did offer to help with dishes. She never mowed the lawn or did anything outside. He kept the cars washed and gased up I thought it all evened out for them.