Community Chat

[Deb1010again]

On 1/17/2015 NoelSeven said:

On 1/17/2015 betteb said:

On 1/17/2015 reiki604 said: I don't hold grudges but I don't forget either. I believe when someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.

I gotta agree with this. Not little things but some things are just too bad to let go.

I agree with you both.

That said, the OP mentioned her friend having a good memory. That could be a clue. People with serious PTSD remember, over and over again. It's not something they can control, and some new therapies are exploring how to get rid of the memory.

I'm not saying an old wound is equivalent to PTSD, but perhaps in some cases the memory is stronger in some people. Stronger and more difficult to push to the side.

ITA with your explanation. Also, I think some people are more sensitive and some are able to put things in perspective more easily.

For me, I find it easier to forgive and forget, yes forget. Sometimes someone acts out of character or is going thru something really bad in their life and I'll give them a bit of a pass. I look at all of their actions as a whole, not just one act.

[RedTop]

I well remember holding grudges when I was young, and constantly being reminded by my maternal grandmother "don't cut off your nose to spite your face". I didn't know what that meant at the time, so I let my narrow minded views continue for many years. A few months before I turned 16, my paternal grandfather passed away. The terms of his will caused a lot of heavy drama between my unmarried aunt who inherited the farm, and two of her brothers who had left the farm many years ago to raise their families in town. One of my uncles became so irate over his dad's last wishes, that he NEVER got over it. He carried that grudge against his sister every day of his life, which was another 40 years after his dad's death. He never spoke to his sister again, nor did he set foot on the farm again. I witnessed my uncle turn into a very bitter man because of the grudge he carried, and I resented him never coming to visit my parents again, particularly after my dads cancer surgery. Long before my uncle died, I saw what grudges do to people, and decided that life is way to short to carry that much anger over anything. Regardless of what has angered me, I let it go and move on.

[Qwackertoo]

On 1/17/2015 Plaid Pants said:

I have an aunt, who is going to be turning 90 this year. She still holds a grudge towards her younger sister, because, in her eyes, he younger sister got her way all the time.

My dad, who didn't have an easy childhood either, has forgiven their parents for their upbringing.

Who is happier, and is more at peace?

In my opinion, my dad is.

Don't younger/youngest always get away with more? I'm an oldest. A "test" child. They learned the "ropes" of parenting on my sister & I. My brothers, they had chilled, relaxed, mellowed . . . and basically weren't near as strict as they were with us. And yes, they got their way more, parents had more money by then, were more established and settled in their careers vs. when I was born they were both juniors in college about to start senior year. Huge difference.

[nun ya]

People hold grudges because they want to be heard and have their feelings validated.

[Plaid Pants]

On 1/17/2015 Qwackertoo said:

On 1/17/2015 Plaid Pants said:

I have an aunt, who is going to be turning 90 this year. She still holds a grudge towards her younger sister, because, in her eyes, he younger sister got her way all the time.

My dad, who didn't have an easy childhood either, has forgiven their parents for their upbringing.

Who is happier, and is more at peace?

In my opinion, my dad is.

Don't younger/youngest always get away with more? I'm an oldest. A "test" child. They learned the "ropes" of parenting on my sister & I. My brothers, they had chilled, relaxed, mellowed . . . and basically weren't near as strict as they were with us. And yes, they got their way more, parents had more money by then, were more established and settled in their careers vs. when I was born they were both juniors in college about to start senior year. Huge difference.

Perhaps. But, I think it also has to do with perception. My grandparents were abusive by today's standard. Using a switch, etc. Don't forget, my aunt was born in 1925. Times were different then.

[HiLo]

Our minds are so that we never really forget anything that we feel was the fault of another,even after I forgive a person I can bring up the incident in my mind but I refuse to dwell on it. That part is up to me. Grudge holder, oh my goodness no. I have plenty enough faults myself to be dwelling on the faults of others; it has bad consequences to our health as well.

[Irshgrl31201]

On 1/17/2015 Qwackertoo said:

On 1/17/2015 Plaid Pants said:

I have an aunt, who is going to be turning 90 this year. She still holds a grudge towards her younger sister, because, in her eyes, he younger sister got her way all the time.

My dad, who didn't have an easy childhood either, has forgiven their parents for their upbringing.

Who is happier, and is more at peace?

In my opinion, my dad is.

Don't younger/youngest always get away with more? I'm an oldest. A "test" child. They learned the "ropes" of parenting on my sister & I. My brothers, they had chilled, relaxed, mellowed . . . and basically weren't near as strict as they were with us. And yes, they got their way more, parents had more money by then, were more established and settled in their careers vs. when I was born they were both juniors in college about to start senior year. Huge difference.

Yes the test child. I was the youngest and always refer to my sister (who is the oldest) as a tester pancake. I got away with MUCH more than my brother or sister did.

[chickenbutt]

You have to do me really really REALLY wrong for me to hold anything like a grudge. I only feel grudgey toward one person who did so many profoundly horrible, cruel, and, in some cases, unmentionable, things to me. I tried not to, but I hate her.

Otherwise, I let things go. I know it seems popular for SOME on this board to walk around being ugly, hateful, and vicious, but I just don't get it. What an awful way to live - always hating on others, who in many of the cases they don't even know! It must taste very bitter. I guess 'bitter' is an acquired taste.

[ROMARY]

I've known a couple of folks who held on to grudges for thirty or more years, only to finally figure out that the initial disagreement was so very insignificant and petty. 'Friends at last' decades later.

[dooBdoo]

This is complicated. There have been some thought-provoking threads in the past about it. I think it depends on the depth and gravity of the hurt, but I do my best to forgive and let things heal if at all possible because life really, really, really is short.

Regarding these forums, sometimes I'm surprised at the resentments that seem to carry forward (some evidently for years). Maybe somehow it's easier to work things out in real life, I'm not sure. I find it perplexing.