Community Chat

[Vivian]

I have a sandwich generation problem. In other words I'm getting it from my mother and my adult daughter. I need advice.

First, my daughter. I had promised my granddaughter my car and my daughter agreed they'd fly up sometime this summer to pick it up, change ownership, and drive it home. I should add it is a car in excellent condition with low mileage. The problem is that I found out that my daughter is thinking of coming up one week after I return from overseas and will have five other people coming to visit for reunion weekend at my alma mater, in the town where I live. I cannot change the university's schedule and disinvite my guests but my daughter is telling me that early June is the only time she can come. Hotels in the area are all booked up. All I can do is ask my daughter to speak to her boss and beg for a different time off but she seems uneasy about doing that.

The second problem is more serious. My mother is almost 92, lives alone, refuses help, yet is hobbled by osteoarthritis. She refuses to go to PT or the sitting-down exercise classes at her condo which her orthopedist and her cardiologist recommended. She is home alone and spends her time worrying, to the point of obsessing, mostly about my brother and his family. They are having serious problems right now but handling it as well as they can. My mother keeps asking me, almost daily, to contact my brother to extract more information about his life than he has already shared with us. I have an excellent relationship with my brother. I outright refused to pry into his life the way Mom would like. He'd know in an instant that my mother put me up to it and he'd stop confiding in me. My mother has fired every cleaning woman, and every aide whom she had when she broke her shoulder two years ago. Her mind is sharp but too idle. I live hundreds of miles from her, visit every few months, and speak to her each day but I am at my wits' end trying to keep her safe and sound while maintaining my own sanity. HELP!

[Another new name Sue]

I think you should ask your daughter to come at a better time for you, even if it's later this summer. Don't ask your daughter to speak to her boss; this is her problem, so let her figure it out however. Maybe a holiday weekend, vacation days in the fall. She can figure it out. For heaven's sake, you are GIVING them a car right? They should come at your convenience. I can only imagine the stress of just returning from a trip, having other company and your daughter too. It's just too much.

As for your mom, I commend you for not sharing your brother's issues with her, and I'm sure he appreciates it as well. He trusts you and knows you won't share his troubles; he can share them with mom if he wishes, it's his decision. I see the problem as her fussing about him because she doesn't have enough to do or occupy her mind. If she lives alone and refuses PT classes and I assume other opportunities to do things, you cannot force her. I hope there is someone who checks in on her. You can only do the best you can for her, so don't you be fussing and worrying like she does! I'm wondering if she should move to be nearer to you or go into an assisted living situation because one thing is for sure: things WILL change for her, and not for the better (sorry to say).

Good luck.

[Vivian]

Happygal, thanks so much for your very thoughtful reply. I've talked to my mother about assisted living but she says she's not ready for it, especially after hearing negative experiences from friends. She wouldn't come up to my cold and isolated area but she lives 15 miutes from my brother. I just can't depend on him these days because of his other problems. I suggested to my mother she should hire someone to come to the house to help her out just a couple of hours a day. She rejected that too. She doesn't want to spend the money, although after looking at her finances, my accountant husband said she is in excellent shape. Her stubbornness is not serving her well in old age.

[Vivian]

Sorry, double post

[Lakk]

Vivian,

I would tell your daughter your very sorry but the reunion does not work around her plans and they cannot be changed. Tell her to send someone else to come pick up the car or SHE could hire a towing company to bring it to her and she could visit some other time at your convenience. I mean how often do you have 5 house quest at once, she needs to understand and I would not back down. If she did happen to find a hotel room I would just say this is not a good time, I wouldn't have time to spend with you. Good luck with that!

A good relationship with your brother is precious and as you grow older you may need each other even more. I always had a good relationship with my brother until the day he passed away and I will always cherish it. I would tell your mom you were not going risk that for anything or anyone especially for her wanting to pry into what's going on at his house. I'd tell her if she wants to know that badly to ask him herself.

As for her refusing help, as the saying goes you make your bed then have to lie in it, she's made the choice to live alone without help. It sounds like your doing all she allows you to do and I wouldn't carry any guilt about it for one second. Good luck.

[Another new name Sue]

Vivian, I appreciate your reply to me. I felt my response about your daughter was a little sharp, but you seem like an active, independent woman with your own life, and it felt wrong for you to be cornered by your daughter's wish to come at a very busy time. If it was the opposite situation, surely you would not impose on her if it was a bad time in her life, right?

As for your mother, we've all heard these stories of not wanting help, not wanting to go into assisted living. Everyone wants their lives just as they have been. At least your brother is there to take care of any emergencies. Does she have someone get groceries, get her to any appointments, come in and clean periodically and check on what's going on?

For Lakk--I've always told my kids, "If you make your bed with wrinkles, you sleep on wrinkles." :-)

[Vivian]

For a free car, my daughter will have to accomodate my schedule, including the one weekend when I have many other guests. My mother's problem is more challenging. She insists on maintaining her independence despite the difficulties she faces. I can deal with her obsessing over family problems but I am worried about her agreeing to the help she will soon need.

[Lilysmom]

Hi Vivian. You have received some good advice here. Lakk said what I think too. The only other comment I have to add is with respect to your mom. At this point, you can't force her to do anything against her will without a lot of bad feeling. There may come a time when she realizes she has to have help to remain independent. Sometimes, sadly, it takes a crisis of some kind to make your mom see that these decisions are necessary to protect her well being. I wish you the best in your situation. LM

[Zoologist_1]

Tell the daughter you'll sell the car and send her a check. Do NOT let her BULLY you.

Hard to stand by and let parents do their own thing when you feel it's not in their best interest, but it's their right to make poor choices. Step back.

[Vivian]

It seems that everyone is on the same page here. It's reassuring to know that my initial reactions resonated with those of you who have been kind enough to reply. My daughter can come up any other time but that busy weekend in June. I think that's reasonable. My mother is a more difficult problem. She does as she pleases and dismisses any advice that she doesn't feel like following, even if it comes from those who know best and want to help her. I already told her that I am not looking forward to another emergency phone call but that is what will happen if she persists in ignoring those who know what they're talking about...not me, not my relatives, but experts whom we've spoken to. I have girded myself as well as one can for that emergency. A wise person told me I can try to influence my mother but I cannot control her. I accept that although I'm not looking forward to what may eventually happen if she refuses to do what she should.