Community Chat

[Jannabelle]

On 2/28/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 2/28/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 2/28/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 2/27/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 2/27/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

Thanks, guys.

Yes, I suppose I have good character in some ways...but I can also be pretty venomous when provoked.

I said some really awful things to my parents when I was a pre-teen and a teen...things no one should ever say to his/her parents...but they were always in response to being beaten down repeatedly. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sorry for most of the awful things I said. My parents don't seem too regretful about things they said and did to me, so why should I be? To this day, my mother still thinks that everything is about her.

And yes, I do remember what it was like to be a kid. I don't remember all of the things that happened, but I remember what it felt like.

Sorry, I guess I'm dumping a lot out here...the situation our family is in has caused my mother's controlling tendencies to escalate dramatically, and I'm finding that her behavior is causing my anger to spike.

I do love them though. It just upsets me when I think about how much I'm willing to do to care for them vs. how little they did to care for me when I was a child.

Don't let it upset you, it means you are a big person, a big heart,...and they are not sorry because they don't think they did anything wrong, I see it here on the board, and in real life, people do and say whatever.

Thanks, Jannabelle.

I'm not even sure they remember most of the things they said and did. I do, because I was hurt by those things.

Years ago, I felt it was best for me to "stop the cycle" by not having any kids...but my brother is really good with his kids. I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision, and if it's too late to change my mind...or if I should remain childless. I don't know.

It's probably a moot point, because I'm not married or dating anyone...nor am I in any position to support a child financially.

You're welcome,.......I understand your decision, but I really think you would be a great mom, and your brother would help you I am certain....when you marry that special man , don't rule it out.

I'm not sure how much time I'll have for all of that to happen, Jannabelle. Not only am I in my mid-thirties right now, but cancer is a big problem in my family. My cousin was recently diagnosed; she's 41, I think. On both sides of my family, people typically die of cancer...and the age at time of diagnosis is getting younger and younger, as is the age of death. My aunt (the mother of my cousin who now has cancer) died at age 68. My dad will likely die at age 67 or 68. Our elders died of cancer in their 70s, 80s and 90s. I wonder a lot about how much time I have left..

Oh that is sad, Mistri, I am sorry for all that sickness, may it not come on you!

[CookyJ]

Hey, Cranberries - I think our mothers were identical twins separated at birth or something! Add to your list, "The world doesn't revolve around you and The world doesn't owe you a living" and you have the quotes which my brother and I heard on a regular basis for years! My parents grew up during the Depression and worked hard to give their baby boomer kids easier lives. The older I get, the more grateful I am for all my parents did for me.

[Financialgrl]

I grew up in a family (maybe just the times back then) when if we were sick, my mother would wait before taking us to a doctor. She would try all the "old fashioned remedies" first. I remember whenever we'd say we were sick she'd say, "here take this, you'll live".

[Yuban3]

My mom gave me two pieces of advice.

They were:

1) Don't let the bast*ards get you down

and

2) Who said life was supposed to be fair?

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 2/28/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 2/28/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 2/28/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 2/28/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 2/27/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 2/27/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

Thanks, guys.

Yes, I suppose I have good character in some ways...but I can also be pretty venomous when provoked.

I said some really awful things to my parents when I was a pre-teen and a teen...things no one should ever say to his/her parents...but they were always in response to being beaten down repeatedly. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sorry for most of the awful things I said. My parents don't seem too regretful about things they said and did to me, so why should I be? To this day, my mother still thinks that everything is about her.

And yes, I do remember what it was like to be a kid. I don't remember all of the things that happened, but I remember what it felt like.

Sorry, I guess I'm dumping a lot out here...the situation our family is in has caused my mother's controlling tendencies to escalate dramatically, and I'm finding that her behavior is causing my anger to spike.

I do love them though. It just upsets me when I think about how much I'm willing to do to care for them vs. how little they did to care for me when I was a child.

Don't let it upset you, it means you are a big person, a big heart,...and they are not sorry because they don't think they did anything wrong, I see it here on the board, and in real life, people do and say whatever.

Thanks, Jannabelle.

I'm not even sure they remember most of the things they said and did. I do, because I was hurt by those things.

Years ago, I felt it was best for me to "stop the cycle" by not having any kids...but my brother is really good with his kids. I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision, and if it's too late to change my mind...or if I should remain childless. I don't know.

It's probably a moot point, because I'm not married or dating anyone...nor am I in any position to support a child financially.

You're welcome,.......I understand your decision, but I really think you would be a great mom, and your brother would help you I am certain....when you marry that special man , don't rule it out.

I'm not sure how much time I'll have for all of that to happen, Jannabelle. Not only am I in my mid-thirties right now, but cancer is a big problem in my family. My cousin was recently diagnosed; she's 41, I think. On both sides of my family, people typically die of cancer...and the age at time of diagnosis is getting younger and younger, as is the age of death. My aunt (the mother of my cousin who now has cancer) died at age 68. My dad will likely die at age 67 or 68. Our elders died of cancer in their 70s, 80s and 90s. I wonder a lot about how much time I have left..

Oh that is sad, Mistri, I am sorry for all that sickness, may it not come on you!

I think the lack of control is a big part of what I hate. What if I finally find happiness, and then I'm suddenly diagnosed with cancer (like my cousin)? I think that is my greatest fear; that I will eventually feel content, and then have that happiness pulled out from under me.

[PMS 24-7]

Mistri, i had no recordings in life. My mother taught me nothing. I don't remember her reading me stories or teaching me anything as a teenager. I knew nothing about boys, or what to expect. How to play it cool. How to say no to a lot of things. I still carry anger in me towards her. She is gone now, and now I am the one who wants to teach young girls how to grown up smart. I wish someone had taught me to be smart. My father was wonderful but he was a father, not knowing too much about girls. The only thing I remember my mother saying was...I needed to hang around ugly girls.

[PMS 24-7]

Everything is ok now. Married at 57 to a very smart professional guy who is soft spoken. My child inside me still cries out for attention and love. And I get all that he can give. Wishing you love

[mistriTsquirrel]

Thanks, PMS 24-7.

There were a lot of lessons my parents left out too. They were usually too busy fighting with one another to bother parenting.

Right now, I am wrestling with additional issues as well.

My best friend nearly died of AML (leukemia) during the winter of 2012 to 2013 (she is in her early 50s). She had a bone marrow transplant (along with a continuous IV drip of chemo which kept her in the hospital for over a month), and I can only hope that her AML will not come back and kill her within the next few years. My other close friend is having recurring medical problems, and her doctors think she may have leukemia or lymphoma (she is in her early 40s). My mother had a cancerous thyroid removed last year. A cousin of mine died as a toddler from leukemia. A cousin two months younger than I had cancer at age 23; diagnosed shortly before I had a cancer scare of my own. My father's older sister died of cancer at age 68...her daughter, who is in her early 40s now has the same type of cancer. My father is currently dying of esophageal cancer that has spread to his femur, sternum and who knows where else (we will find out in a few weeks if/where the cancer has spread to now). He is 66.

I have a sense of urgency at this point, because I have no idea whether or not I will live to see 50.

All of those scars my parents gave me still hurt, but I see what my loved ones have gone through, and I suspect I may be in for the fight of my life. I hope I can resolve issues I have with my parents before they die/before I die.

[Jannabelle]

On 3/2/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 2/28/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 2/28/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 2/28/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 2/28/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 2/27/2014 Jannabelle said:

On 2/27/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

Thanks, guys.

Yes, I suppose I have good character in some ways...but I can also be pretty venomous when provoked.

I said some really awful things to my parents when I was a pre-teen and a teen...things no one should ever say to his/her parents...but they were always in response to being beaten down repeatedly. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sorry for most of the awful things I said. My parents don't seem too regretful about things they said and did to me, so why should I be? To this day, my mother still thinks that everything is about her.

And yes, I do remember what it was like to be a kid. I don't remember all of the things that happened, but I remember what it felt like.

Sorry, I guess I'm dumping a lot out here...the situation our family is in has caused my mother's controlling tendencies to escalate dramatically, and I'm finding that her behavior is causing my anger to spike.

I do love them though. It just upsets me when I think about how much I'm willing to do to care for them vs. how little they did to care for me when I was a child.

Don't let it upset you, it means you are a big person, a big heart,...and they are not sorry because they don't think they did anything wrong, I see it here on the board, and in real life, people do and say whatever.

Thanks, Jannabelle.

I'm not even sure they remember most of the things they said and did. I do, because I was hurt by those things.

Years ago, I felt it was best for me to "stop the cycle" by not having any kids...but my brother is really good with his kids. I sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision, and if it's too late to change my mind...or if I should remain childless. I don't know.

It's probably a moot point, because I'm not married or dating anyone...nor am I in any position to support a child financially.

You're welcome,.......I understand your decision, but I really think you would be a great mom, and your brother would help you I am certain....when you marry that special man , don't rule it out.

I'm not sure how much time I'll have for all of that to happen, Jannabelle. Not only am I in my mid-thirties right now, but cancer is a big problem in my family. My cousin was recently diagnosed; she's 41, I think. On both sides of my family, people typically die of cancer...and the age at time of diagnosis is getting younger and younger, as is the age of death. My aunt (the mother of my cousin who now has cancer) died at age 68. My dad will likely die at age 67 or 68. Our elders died of cancer in their 70s, 80s and 90s. I wonder a lot about how much time I have left..

Oh that is sad, Mistri, I am sorry for all that sickness, may it not come on you!

I think the lack of control is a big part of what I hate. What if I finally find happiness, and then I'm suddenly diagnosed with cancer (like my cousin)? I think that is my greatest fear; that I will eventually feel content, and then have that happiness pulled out from under me.

Mistri , you sound like a really good person to me, I would like to encourage you to ignore the fearful thoughts and live a good life, dwell on the good that is and the good that is coming to you, eat healthy food, exercise, hang out with emotionally healthy people as much as possible,don't dwell on all the sickness in your family line, we often get what we talk about and believe for....I wish the best for you.

[jeanlake]

It sounds like many of our parents were a part of the 'greatest generation' whose families survived the Great Depression and who were young, brave people during WW2 and Korean eras. Many most likely came from Rural America where they ate every part of the animals their families slaughtered, lost parents early or lost siblings to death and were on their own at 18. Tough times created tough parents. My dad won't win any awards for compassionate, enlightened parenting. He was a gruff person who didn't entertain gratitude. He embraced some harsh, old time religion and was closed minded and prejudiced. But he did provide for me. I had a bed to sleep in, clothes to wear and I didn't go hungry. There were a few significant moments where he shined as a dad, but only a few. I cling to those shining moments and consider myself fortunate that I've had a much better life than he did. I get it -- I had to let a lot of childhood things go. It took a while to get to that point, though.