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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,638
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

1.   I asked my brother-in-law, the father of 4 boys, "If you had it to do all over again, would you still have children?"  "Yes, he said, just not these four."

 

2.   I just realized that "Let me check my calendar" is the adult version of "Let me ask my mom."

 

3.   Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I raised two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.

 

4.   Instant gratification takes too long.

 

5.   When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

 

6.   I admit I live in the past, only because housing is so much cheaper.

 

7.   I recently asked a student where his homework was.  He replied:  "It's still in my pencil."

 

8.   Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question:  "What is your source of income?"  She wrote: ATM.

 

9.   If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.

 

10.   "USER" the word professionals use when they mean "Idiot."

 

11.  Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a simple thing to worry about.  That always worries me!

 

12.   As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns I knew the end was in sight.  (get it?)

 

13.   My father always said, "Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.

 

14.   "I don't want a whole dessert, let's just get two spoons." - Former friend of mine.   

 

15.   I'm thinking of opening a firing range where all the targets are shaped like computers with screens full of pop-up-ads.

 

                                  Reader's Digest

 

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam