Community Chat

[Irshgrl31201]

I would start telling a child when they had the capability to understand. I have friends who adopted and they started by telling their daughter that she didn't come from mommys tummy but from her heart. I liked that.

[Sooner]

There is NO REASON, ever to withhold from someone where they came from. It is their history and story, not yours. They should understand from early on, maybe school age. Whether or not they would want to look for their birth parents would be up to them--everyone is different.

[LooPY]

On 3/1/2014 Irshgrl31201 said:

I would start telling a child when they had the capability to understand. I have friends who adopted and they started by telling their daughter that she didn't come from mommys tummy but from her heart. I liked that.

Our son's background is identical to that of Lila Belle's brother. Shortly after he arrived, I came across this little poem--40 years later, I still have the clipping and am so touched by it.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

Yet still miraculously my own

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

[Blahblahvampemer]

On 2/28/2014 ennui1 said:

On 2/28/2014 blahblahvampemerblah said:

When your parents were champagne, you don't give a darn about an unknown table wine.

Nicely phrased. I think this could also apply to step-parents.

Personally, I think biology can't compare to love.

Love is thicker than blood for sure.

[bells4me]

If I adopted I would tell the child as soon as they were old enough to understand depending on the maturity of the child. I would leave it up to the child to decide at 18 if they wanted to locate the bio parents. I think it's a given nowadays that children want to locate their bio parents especially for the health aspects.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/1/2014 LoopyLoo said:

On 3/1/2014 Irshgrl31201 said:

I would start telling a child when they had the capability to understand. I have friends who adopted and they started by telling their daughter that she didn't come from mommys tummy but from her heart. I liked that.

Our son's background is identical to that of Lila Belle's brother. Shortly after he arrived, I came across this little poem--40 years later, I still have the clipping and am so touched by it.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

Yet still miraculously my own

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

[muttmom]

On 3/1/2014 ~moxie~ said:

All my friends that had adopted children started tell them how special they were and that their mother and father knew they could not take care of her so they found good parents for them. None of these children were traumatized about it and grew up knowing how much their parents loved them enough to find a good home for them. Some sought their birth parent when they were older, and some of the mothers were happy to see them and others rejected them. The children fared very well.

Do you know a lot of people who have adopted?

[RainCityGirl]

On 2/28/2014 GoodStuff said:

That doesn't strike me as an ethics question. It's more like a parenting/psychology question. Yes, I'd tell a child he/she is adopted. I'd leave it up to the child whether he/she wants to seek his/her birth parents later in life.

And it's not "ethic's". It's "ethics".

Thank you for pointing that out. I was going to, but figured I would once again be called "snotty and condescending" on this board.

As far as the original question...Yes, I believe a child should be told he/she is adopted as soon as the child is able to grasp the concept. Seeking the biological parents, unless it's an open adoption, should be left to a later time at the child's option.

[HisElk]

On 3/1/2014 LoopyLoo said:

On 3/1/2014 Irshgrl31201 said:

I would start telling a child when they had the capability to understand. I have friends who adopted and they started by telling their daughter that she didn't come from mommys tummy but from her heart. I liked that.

Our son's background is identical to that of Lila Belle's brother. Shortly after he arrived, I came across this little poem--40 years later, I still have the clipping and am so touched by it.

Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,

Yet still miraculously my own

Never forget for a single minute,

You didn't grow under my heart, but in it.

Yes, they should be told IMO. I was adopted at 4 days old and the doctor actually delivered me to my parents which happened to be on my dad's birthday.

The part I bolded is what my mother told me since the day I can remember. During "story" time, this was what she talked about. She called it the "story of my life".

Although I wanted to know "where I came from", my mother was nervous about that and I promised her I would not try to locate my birth parents. My dad who, IMO, was supportive of whatever my decision was.

After my mother passed, I was able to locate my birth mother, who happened to live only 5 miles away. My bio dad was killed in the Korean war I found out. I did meet my birth mother and it wasn't a real good relationship. She wanted me to call her "mom" and I refused and she couldn't handle that. I told her about my children who were very small at the time and asked if she wanted to meet them, but she accused me of trying to find her to get money from her which wasn't true at all. After that, I decided to end the relationship. She couldn't handle that and she visited my dad's house and begged him to talk to me to have me call her "mom". He was polite, but stood his ground and told her to respect my wishes. She couldn't handle it and we haven't spoken since.

All I know is that after meeting her, I am so glad she put me up for adoption. I have met my half sisters since that time and my bio first cousin works at my eye doctor's office. So, once a year, we get to say hello to one another, but that's about it.

In closing, I think it's the best to let the child know that they were adopted. Sorry for the long post.

[KaeKae]

My niece and nephew are adopted and have always known. Their parents have put together scrapbooks, which tell their stories, so that they can look thru and see, and ask questions as they arise. They are young yet, but it looks like a great way to share it with a child.

Years ago, I was teaching kindergarten in a corporate child care center, and the topic came up. Two students in our class had been adopted. One had an experience just like I described above and was able to share it with us as a part of her family story. The other knew she was adopted, but couldn't verbalize anything more. It's always made me sad to think of her and her story. Her parents weren't comfortable talking about the way their family was made, so neither was this darling little girl.