Community Chat

[stilltamn8r]

On 2/28/2014 ktlynam said:

On 2/28/2014 stilltamn8r said:

On 2/28/2014 ktlynam said:

What if the birth parent(s) asked that their identities NEVER be revealed to the child, and the adoptive parents knew them, or were aware of their request? Do you tell the child that? Do you respect the birth parents' wish, or the child's wish?

Sounds like making a deal with the Devil.....

How could you possibly raise a child, knowing that everything you are telling them is a lie?

I meant more along the lines that the child can know he/she is adopted, but that the bio parents don't want their identifies ever revealed. Do you help the child find them, or do you withhold any information you might know?

Frankly, I wouldn't be much of a parent if I didn't side with my child on something like this...How could I EVER look my own kid in the eye, and say "I don't know", when I DO?

[LooPY]

On 2/28/2014 Love my grandkids said:

I strongly take issue with the term "real parents." The CORRECT term is "biological parents".

The REAL parents are those who adopt, love and raise a child.

Absolutely. And that's why it would never break my heart or undo me, as one poster feared, if our son wanted to find his birth mother. We would have helped him. Adoption should be part of the family language from the first day you become parent and child. When he was a toddler, still learning to talk, my son knew he was "adocted".

[blackhole99]

My cousin was adopted as an infant back in the early sixties. My Aunt and Uncle did not tell him he was adopted until he was 11 years old and it caused him all kinds of grief. My cousin never did trust my family after that until he was an adult. I think maybe kids take being adopted better if you tell them when they are old enough to understand what adopted means, 11 years old is too late. I think my aunt and uncle would not have told him at all that he was adopted, but they were afraid some one would let it slip. I don't know if my cousin ever tried to contact his biological parents, I think his adoption was closed. If I were adopted I would like to contact my biological parents so at the least I would know their medical history and if I had siblings.

[Catfancy]

I was adopted when I was three years old. I always knew that I was and that I had been taken in when nobody else wanted me, and that I had better never do any thing to bring shame to that name. I wish that I had never been told. I was told some of my biological history because my two older brothers knew what had happened.

[ennui1]

On 2/28/2014 stilltamn8r said:

How could you possibly raise a child, knowing that everything you are telling them is a lie?

Like Cinderella, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy?

Jack Nicholson was brought up believing that his maternal grandparents, John Joseph Nicholson (a department store window dresser in Manasquan, New Jersey) and Ethel May (née Rhoads, a hairdresser, beautician and amateur artist in Manasquan), were his parents. Nicholson only discovered that his "parents" were actually his grandparents and his "sister" was his mother in 1974, after a journalist for TIME magazine who was doing a feature on Nicholson informed him of the fact. Jack was around 37.

[AnikaBrodie]

My niece and her husband have two beautiful adopted children. Both of them, a boy and a girl, now 10 and 13, have been told they were adopted. They have both been informed of the circumstances of their adoption and given as much family information as was available. At some point they may want to return to the country of their birth (both have indicated a desire to do this) and our family supports this.

[KathyPet]

I am a adopted child. My parents told me as soon as I was capable of understanding what it meant. I always felt special. my parents used the old ""other parents have to take what they get but we PICKED you out"". When I was 30 shortly after the birth of my son I decided I wanted to search for my birth mother. I talked it over with my parents and they encouraged me if it was what I wanted. They shared what information they had. I did manage to locate my birth mother. She was thrilled. We had a warm relationship for many years until she passed away. We lived in Virginia and she lived in Mass so regular in person visits did not occur too frequently.

[Shorty2U]

On 2/28/2014 NoelSeven said:

I don't see this as an ethics problem, it's more about the psychology behind dealing with adoption and the child.

1) IMO it's best to tell a child she is adopted. It should be an open subject as soon as she's able to understand, and always a positive thing. I like the practice of celebrating Adoption Day, the day she (or he) came home, as a special day for the family.

2) It's up to the child to decide if she wants to find her bio parents. If she does, many families say they will help her do that when she is 18. Support her decision to do so or not to do so.

3) I don't support not telling the child. If she finds out when she's older it can be very emotional, a shock with anger. Why do that? She needs to know her genetic makeup if possible and that includes knowing that she has not inherited your predisposition to certain medical problems.

I agree with Noels entire statement.

[Lila Belle]

My oldest brother was adopted when he was about a year old. When my mom became pregnant the opportunity presented itself when he asked her questions about when he was born. He was 3. He was born in Vietnam to a French-Vietnamese mother and an American father both of whose whereabouts were unknown. My parents used what little information they had to find the father but were not successful.

[151949]

I think you tell them and , as someone else already mentioned , you start telling them when they are very young - too young to really understand - and they will grow up just knowing, like a person knows their name. I think this way it will just be and not be a shock to them.If they want or need to find their birth parents just tell them what you can and reitterate how much you love them.