Community Chat

[Himi lover]

Hi. I wanted to check in and let you know I've been reading your responses. I didn't want to post and run off.  I think if I was in better shape physically and mentally I might be able to deal differently. Of course, here I am with a bad back, now add in 2 broken ribs and have just heard once from my sister. Thank God a friend of mine took me grocery shopping last week, as I couldn't have done it myself.  I've been very depressed for a long time.  Of course my sisters make me feel so guilty. I really need to get my life back. I was laid off about 3 yrs ago, so you can imagine the 24/7, on top of each other in a 2 bedroom apartment, how that can affect you mentally.  Then, I started getting ill myself. This is the last thing my sister wanted, is mom with her. I need a break, my nerves are shot. Been losing weight, cannot afford to lose anymore. Thanks everyone for their input. I love my mother. I just don't think I'm good for her now. 

[KathyPet]

OK so you need to get some backbone here.  I cannot believe that you have allowed this situation to go on as long as it has and allowed your mother and more importantly your sisters to take advantage of you this way. PUt your foot down.  WHile your mother is with your sister take the time to check out assisted living facilities.  Tell your sisters that they have two choices.  EIther Mom splits her time between all of you equally or she goes to assisted living and the fee gets split between all of you.  NO backing down.

[Plaid Pants2]

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@Himi lover wrote:

Hi. I wanted to check in and let you know I've been reading your responses. I didn't want to post and run off.  I think if I was in better shape physically and mentally I might be able to deal differently. Of course, here I am with a bad back, now add in 2 broken ribs and have just heard once from my sister. Thank God a friend of mine took me grocery shopping last week, as I couldn't have done it myself.  I've been very depressed for a long time.  Of course my sisters make me feel so guilty. I really need to get my life back. I was laid off about 3 yrs ago, so you can imagine the 24/7, on top of each other in a 2 bedroom apartment, how that can affect you mentally.  Then, I started getting ill myself. This is the last thing my sister wanted, is mom with her. I need a break, my nerves are shot. Been losing weight, cannot afford to lose anymore. Thanks everyone for their input. I love my mother. I just don't think I'm good for her now. 

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@Himi lover

You are only one person. You can only do so much.

It's okay to say that you can't do it anymore. It's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of stregnth to admit that.

And as to your sister making you feel guilty, poo on her! She doesn't live your life!

Tell her to go take a flying leap, and that if she thinks that she can do better taking care of Mom, then by all means, she should do it, because you are DONE!

Us caregivers have to take care of ourselves, because if we aren't healthy mentally and physically, then who will take care of our loved ones?

If it means that your mom has to go to a care facility, that's not a reflection on you, at least, not a negetive one. It just means that you have done all that you can, and you just can't do any more.

You are not Super Woman.

[kdgn]

Your sisters are trying to make you feel guilty because they don't want to care for your mother either. When your mom is with you they are free to carry on with their lives.

Don't do it any more. Your mental and physical health are just as important as theirs, more so now. It's their turn. Do NOT let them lay a guilt trip on you. It's undeserved. 

I was fortunate enough to realize early on that I could not bring my mother into my home and instead placed her in assisted living and then a nursing home. She received good care and was happier than if she'd been stuck in my home, isolated from people and activities. She had 24/7 nursing care and she needed it with her dementia and physical problems. I visited all the time, did her laundry, was her POA for health and finances. She had lived with her mom for around ten years and swore that she would never live with either of her children. I held her to that on the advice of her brother. He had been the caregiver and knew what he was talking about. 

While your mother may have taken care of you as a child, it is NOT the same as physically and emotionally taking care of an adult with dementia or Alzheimer's. No infant is over 5ft tall and weighs 150 pounds! No infant has the strength of an adult nor does an infant or small child have the ability to become a danger to themselves and others. 

Find a suitable alternative for your mother: assisted living or a nursing home, whichever is best for her physical and mental health AND for yours. 

[Bjjo]

There is a saying, everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die. With medical advances, we have more choices to hang on to a longer life even if incapacitated.

My mom didn't want to live on and on and neither do I. I have a sister inlaw, 20 years older than me that's 89. Hasn't been able to take care of herself for 10 years, but determined to live to be a hundred no matter what. I don't understand her thinking. I'm healthy, but don't want to live once I become a burden to others and I want other, younger family members to enjoy life without taking care of me. So, I will forego medical advances to prolong life just so I can breathe.

My mom was healthy at my age, but died at 72. She was ready. Yes, I would have taken care of her as long as I could remain physically/mentally able. There comes a time for all of us that our bodies age and we slow down and feel aging process. It happens to all. Taking care of elderly parents is difficult on a daily basis as we age. I took care of my children when infants, but I was young, strong as we all did. Big difference when our children age and trying to physically take care of us when we become incapacitated.

Loving children take on responsibility , but there comes a time to seek help if possible. My heart goes out to original poster.

[LilacTree]

@Bjjo

I don't believe in an afterlife.  But I do believe in quality in lieu of quantity of life.  I accept my limitations as they are today, but if they worsen or I become an increased burden on my children, I would not want to drag it out.

For instance, no chemo if cancer is found, no organ surgeries (both of which I probably wouldn't survive anyway), etc.  I have notarized letters to each of my girls that clearly indicate how far I would want to go . . . and I wouldn't want to be even close to tube feeding and breathing machines.  No way!!  Once the lights go out, they go out, period.

ETA:  I re-read most of this thread and I want to add one more thing.  I hope I see it coming because I will never see the inside of a nursing home.  I have seen too many and that's not how I'm going to wind up.  All I would have to do is stop taking my meds. 

The best thing would be "right to die," which is now law in several states, it was on the ballot in one state this year and passed.  I think it was Vermont.  That's how Jackie Kennedy Onassis did it and her family accepted that even though it's still not law in NY.  No one was ever prosecuted for assisting her.  I'll always remember John Jr. out on that NY street advising the press that "my mother has passed and she did it in her own way."  Everyone knew what that meant.

[Himi lover]

@Plaid Pants2, @KathyPet

I've been bullied enough with my sisters. I asked my sister if she could take her for a weekend once a month. She looked at me like I had 6 heads. Then she came back and said how about 1 Saturday and see how she does?  I said ok, my mother was there for 3 hrs and wanted to come home. This was back in August. Nothing was ever tried again. My sister told me last weekend "everyone is mad".  I tried to tell her what about me?  I have no life.  She said "well, that's not moms fault ".  They cannot and will not see my side. You are right Kathy. I need to get some backbone. My friends see my side, my sisters don't and will not. Now, my sister will have to get a chair installed to go up and downstairs. That's $6000 right there. She cannot afford assisted living, it would have to be a state funded nursing home. I'm in Pennsylvania. Some are good some not so good.  I think most that have posted see my side. I never thought about this when I agreed, decided to live with mom.  I thank everyone for they're encouragement, and understanding.  I don't feel like such a horrible person right now. 

[Plaid Pants2]

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@Himi lover wrote:

@Plaid Pants2, @KathyPet

I've been bullied enough with my sisters. I asked my sister if she could take her for a weekend once a month. She looked at me like I had 6 heads. Then she came back and said how about 1 Saturday and see how she does?  I said ok, my mother was there for 3 hrs and wanted to come home. This was back in August. Nothing was ever tried again. My sister told me last weekend "everyone is mad".  I tried to tell her what about me?  I have no life.  She said "well, that's not moms fault ".  They cannot and will not see my side. You are right Kathy. I need to get some backbone. My friends see my side, my sisters don't and will not. Now, my sister will have to get a chair installed to go up and downstairs. That's $6000 right there. She cannot afford assisted living, it would have to be a state funded nursing home. I'm in Pennsylvania. Some are good some not so good.  I think most that have posted see my side. I never thought about this when I agreed, decided to live with mom.  I thank everyone for they're encouragement, and understanding.  I don't feel like such a horrible person right now. 

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@Himi lover

You are NOT a horrible person! Not at all!

It sucks that your sisters refuse to step up to the plate to help, but not surprising.

Even in large families, the care of the parent(s) usually falls to one person.

If it were me, I wouldn't let them try and make me feel guilty.

I would be plenty angry, and I would give them a good ear-full of how things are, and how they are going to be from now on. And if they don't like it? Too gosh darn bad!

People who know me, know that I have no problem speaking my mind.

[kdgn]

Himi:  DO NOT ever feel like a horrible person because you aren't one. We all have our limitations and you have gone beyond yours.

Medicaid will pay for a nursing home if there are no funds available to your mother. Start looking into it now.  Nursing homes that accept Medicaid will have someone on-site that can help you with paperwork, etc. Not all Medicaid nursing homes are bad places: my mom's was not.  Check out the ones in your area that accept Medicaid and SS as paid in full, look them over and pick the one that would best suit your mom. 

So what if your sister had to plunk down $6000 for a stairlift? The money would be better spent towards a nursing home!  

And no, it's not your mom's fault that you have no life. It's your sisters' fault for not contributing time and effort towards your mother's care. They allowed this to happen because it was easier on them. I know, I have a brother that never lifted a finger to help in any way-

[Marp]

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@Himi lover wrote:

@Plaid Pants2, @KathyPet

I've been bullied enough with my sisters. I asked my sister if she could take her for a weekend once a month. She looked at me like I had 6 heads. Then she came back and said how about 1 Saturday and see how she does?  I said ok, my mother was there for 3 hrs and wanted to come home. This was back in August. Nothing was ever tried again. My sister told me last weekend "everyone is mad".  I tried to tell her what about me?  I have no life.  She said "well, that's not moms fault ".  They cannot and will not see my side. You are right Kathy. I need to get some backbone. My friends see my side, my sisters don't and will not. Now, my sister will have to get a chair installed to go up and downstairs. That's $6000 right there. She cannot afford assisted living, it would have to be a state funded nursing home. I'm in Pennsylvania. Some are good some not so good.  I think most that have posted see my side. I never thought about this when I agreed, decided to live with mom.  I thank everyone for they're encouragement, and understanding.  I don't feel like such a horrible person right now. 

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@Himi lover,  when it comes to the "not so good" look deeply into the reasons.  Many of the causes of complaints are due to family members not being involved in their loved one's care once in a facility.   Poor inspection reports are something different altogether and you should be concerned about repeat deficiencies in the same categories.  I can tell you that the more involved you (and hopefully your sisters) are with your mom's care while in a facility the better care she will get.  My almost daily visits to my mom paid big dividends.

 In four years I only had a couple of problems that weren't resolved within mom's unit.  The first time I went up the chain until corporate was involved and the situation corrected.  After that I never had to go above the DON or social worker.  If I had a concern it was handled quickly and appropriately by staff within the unit, the actual caregivers.  The last thing anyone wants is to have to deal with someone that is not afraid to take something to the top and have the top come down on them.

P.S., you are NOT a horrible person.  If you were you would either just walk away or do nothing.