Community Chat

[AuntG]

What an unfortunate situation. Based on the comments, it seems to be quite common with those who were raised during the Great Depression.

[AnikaBrodie]

It might be to your advantage to have an (unrelated) third party involved with your mother's care and daily activities monitoring. It would also be good if you could get her involved in a Senior Center group luncheon.

As I stated before my dad lived with us for over ten years. I remember that at the time a Senior Center group met at a local church for lunch and a program that followed. I suggested that he join them since I worked full time and he could get a good hot meal at noon. He told me he didn't want to join all those "old fogies" and I told him he was probably as old if not older than most of them! This is true...

Anyway, the site manager lived near us and I clued her in on the situation. Some weeks later she saw my dad out walking while she was on her way to the luncheon. She stopped, introduced herself, and asked him to join her and he did. From that day forward he joined the group Monday through Friday and was always eager to attend their sessions. It seems he was always the first to arrive and the last to leave. My point is it took a third party to convince him to try it, and of course he joined in as I knew he would. He also benefitted by being with people his own age.

To my knowledge, dad never ate moldy food. However, he loved to hoard candy, cookies and pretzels, etc., in his bedroom. I often heard him munching food in the middle of the night. My dad also lived through the Depression and was very frugal, to say the least. He never threw anything away; instead, he fixed it.

[Moonchilde]

On 10/16/2014 esmeraldagooch said:

It seems many of my older friends and relatives have mental health issues. Perhaps you should have her checked out. It may be time for you to intervene.

Yes. Lifelong habits and behaviors are often magnified by memory loss and subtly creeping dementias. Not all dementia is Alzheimers, some is just ordinary senility, and part of that is obsessive behavior, as well as personality changes. The OP's mother may be experiencing this in early stages. It may not be serious enough to require full-time care at this point (and sounds like it isn't), but that doesn't mean it isn't on the way to becoming so at some point. My mother passed away in February, just short of her 95th birthday. Between the ages of 85-93 she underwent quite a bit of personality change, so that she was not the mother I had heard all my life up to the point of the change. She definitely became obsessive about certain things. She became angry generally, vindictive and sometimes downright mean, when she had never been this way. She was living in a warm, loving and caring home environment. There was no abuse, there was only not letting her do whatever she wanted due to consequences. She was not to go around the house without a walker due to many falls, but she did anyway. She was not to cook because she literally couldn't handle the stove (and she called the fire dept once), but she did anyway. She went to the nursing home not only because of fear of falls and burning the house down, but because she made it plain she was going to keep on doing these things, *and* she was aggressively angry with everyone around her, including well-beloved people. She told her doctor that she was being "abused," when that was the farthest thing possible from the truth, either physically or emotionally. In truth, she was the actual abuser. Through all of this her memory remained good for someone on their 90s and she carried on totally rational current events conversations. Peoples personalities DO change as they get quite elderly. It's a function of aging.

[BellaPaprika]

I didn't grow up during the Depression but my parents did in Europe and I have picked up a lot of their thrifty ways. I certainly hope no one tries using them against me in a few decades.

What we see as "quirky" or just slightly "eccentric" in a young or middle-aged person seems to become concerning as they age. We need to remember that if you make them dependent in one area they may just give up and figure it's all over and become depressed and dependent in many other areas. It's sort of like a house of cards. Pull out the critical one and it all collapses. Vivian says her mother has no cognitive deficits and that this behavior is how she has always been. Then difficult as it may be for you to do, just let her be knowing that she does have her safety alert system in place.

[occasionalrain]

On 10/16/2014 CouponQueen said:

When health and safety are involved then you need to do something and not just lecture.

Remove the rotten items...throw the food in the garbage. If she wants 21 laundry detergents that is fine..but eating moldy and spoiled food is a health related issue.

I just reread and you don't live in the same time. Maybe it is time then to get adult protective involved. When she starts putting her health at risk is the time to do something.

If she is foolish enough to do that she will cause her mother to resent her and never trust her again.

[ROMARY]

'All in all', we are all wishing your mom continued good health and safety. Maybe one day she will wear one of those alert buttons, which would be nice. Make sure there are plenty of smoke detector alarms all around her house, and also carbon monoxide detectors. One (smoke alarm) in every room. Lots of good luck to her.

[kingtut]

Why oh why do people feel that they have the right to change the elderly who are perfectly happy the way they are -- why can't they mind their own business. I know I don't always eat properly -- never did actually -- but certainly do not eat bad food or not keep clean. Relatives seem to think that they can tell us what to do and we have to do it and apparently the government agrees with them. I moved to a retirement community against my will -- so my brother would not have to visit me and clean out our old home when I die -- admit it was cluttered with my stuff but also his and our parents.

the retirement place is nice and safe but I really am a private person and have trouble making friends -- very shy still. At least I still have my two kitties.

I thought this thread at first was going to complain that elderly do not TIP enough -- I do try to do so but funds are limited and everyone has their hand out nowadays. Thank goodness the workers in our village --- inluding the wait staff in the restaurant can not accept tips -- actually I can just see a hundred or so elderly people -- mostly women -- trying to figure out the tip every meal -- would be sort of funny actually.

[jubilant]

I have seen this kind of behavior in the elderly often. Whatever didn't get ""solved"" (so to speak) when they were younger...... tends to increase when they get elderly. It is best not to judge them too harshly but one does need to keep an eye on them more closely. I know a woman in her 90's who ended up in the hospital quite ill from eating rancid food. That would really concern me. Sometimes you are forced to take over and be the parent as they become more child like. Do it gently and if that doesn't work it may require different arrangements as to where or whom she will live with. Sometimes these poor people become a danger to themselves and need someone to intervene.

[Melania]

((((Vivian)))) I feel your pain and am sorry some just don't see the big picture and past themselves. It's clear you love and adore your mother. You are rightfully concerned. At some point is turns into the child becoming the parent and the parent becoming the child. It is not easy.

[jubilant]

Melania is right....it is not easy. Even the most loving parents don't usually want to be parented by their children.