Community Chat

[Pickwickpapers]

Dealing with both sides of our family we have experienced the same frugal type issues. It is difficult to handle and hard to watch loved ones in this state. My dad donates new clothing, passes off food to others even food that he has enjoyed. Always complains about portions too large when they are small, cuts the a/c off in summer and keeps the house cold in winter to save money.....He is not rich but can afford the basics to make life easier. It is difficult but he gets upset when we fuss so at this point there isn't much we can do............His doctor said this could be a sign of dementia but since he has always been strong willed we hope not.

[lovescats]

I think hoarding can be a sign of depression. She must not enjoy eating if she eats all that spoiled food. Plus she must be pretty active if she's buying cleaning supplies and using them. This must be really hard for you.

[Remee]

This is extremely typical of people her age that lived through the depression. My dear, sweet deceased FIL was the same way. Nothing much can be done about it unless you can constantly go over there and monitor all food kept in the frig, etc.

[Financialgrl]

My situation was reverse - my mother tamed some of my father's cheapness, she died in her mid 40s and afterward my father got 10 times worse. We had to move him in with me when it was apparent to us he could no longer live alone. His cheapness, inability to throw out anything, he'd eat moldy leftovers, etc were getting too bad. Living with me, all I could do is keep a check on things within my control - I threw out leftovers and took them to the outside trash so he couldn't take out of kitchen trash, etc.

Dad died two years ago - I was cleaning out underneath sink in what was his bathroom the other day to get rid of old OTC meds, moved some of the clean towels out of the way - and found over 50 empty prescription bottles, at the top of his closet he'd been saving old used napkins -for reuse. Even in his death, I still occasionally find some W T H kind of things he did around me and they make me smile. He had more than enough money but some of his memories and those of his parents as a result of the Depression always remained.

My father's cheapness had continued even under my care so I found that with him, even to the very end - when he lived here he still found ways to hide things. You have little chance of making a dent in some of this since she lives away from you Whatever you correct will go back to her way. Been there, done this and I feel for you.

[ROMARY]

O/P: Have a long talk with your brother, asking him to please visit his mom more often, switching out soon-to-spoil foods, etc. Really, that would solve so many potential problems. It really is a shame that he hasn't already been doing that, since he only lives 15 min. away. Perhaps his wife or their adult children? And, I'm thinking that dear mom would love to see her son more often, too. Just a quick "Hello, how are you doing, Mom?" would be nice.

[HiLo]

O.P. I found myself laughing at your post because my dear, now deceased Mother was exactly as you describe yours except for that extreme food issue.. My Mother had more yard sale stuff than she could accommodate, yard sale clothes, couldn't pass up a "bargain". She asked for money on special occasions which is what she used for those "bargains" all through the year; she saved as much of her income as possible. Yes, she did go through the depression and was raised in a home where they struggled to feed the family. She worked hard all her life to save so that her children would not have to take care of her "at the end" and I can truthfully say that she would have never let any of us be in need. She never let her hoarding show, they were also small things, so everything looked neat and clean, thank goodness.

We could never have changed her; when I look back at it and consider all the circumstances I wonder how I would have been in her place.. She truly had the best interests of her family in mind, stretching a dollar to make sure we had enough to eat during hard times when my Dad didn't have much work. So in the end I praise God for my loving and frugal Mother.

[HiLo]

On 10/15/2014 chrystaltree said:

First get on you knees and thank God that you still have your mother with you and then thank Him for giving her the strength, health and vitality needed to go shopping at Dollar Store and to be active and self sufficient. As far as her spending habits go. Mind your own business, it's her money and she's free to spend it or not spend it as she so pleases. You call it hoarding, she probably calls it saving for a rainy day. She's financially well of today because that is how she lived her entire life. Why would she stop now? She's part of a generation that was frugal and believed in saving. She's 92 and her sense of taste and smell have declined. That's very common in the very elderly. Instead of complaining, when you visit purge some of the old stuff from her fridge. She's 92. Do you know how fortunate you are?

Chrystaltree: You hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your thoughtful comments. Maybe some of us from this generation should develop some of the frugality of our parents and grandparents; who knows when we will need it.

[lovescats]

I don't think just because the brother lives closer that he would be able to solve the problem easier. If someone doesn't want you throwing out their stuff then you can't do it. It sounds like Vivian goes and stays with her mom for a day or two and tries to do stuff while she is sleeping which is different than just showing up at the house for an hour visit.

[goodstuff]

Sometimes the personality traits that characterized a person's younger years become exaggerated and part of developing dementia in old age. If your Mom at age 92 is eating spoiled, expired food, hoarding and failing to make home repairs to the point that she is creating a unsafe and unsanitary environment, unable to follow safety directions in using household cleaning products, etc., you may well be dealing with something more serious than an exasperating personality tendency.

Do you have siblings? Does your Mom have younger brothers and sisters? It may be time for a family conference to discuss her situation and decide how to approach her and deal with some of these concerns. You may need to meet with your mom and her doctor to discuss these behavior changes. Your Mom may be entering a stage when she needs more help and supervision.

[sidsmom]

I believe many on these boards can empathize with the decline of our aging parents. It hurts to see them in a frail position.

It's good you have an outside cleaning lady coming in regularly. My biggest fear is someone, unrelated to the family, will call Adult Protective Services.