Disappointed with a friend

funluvin · ‎07-04-2010

Hello all, I just wanted to vent some of my feelings of sadness and disappointment regarding a close friend. The background of the story is we have been friends for about six years. Then, she moved away to another state about a year ago. I've tried to maintain the friendship by calling her once a week to check in and see how she's doing. Yes, I've told her about what's been going on with me too - but the main focus of my phone calls are always been about what's going on in her life (with her kids , husband, career etc..). The reason I am so upset, is that I've noticed that I am the one always reaching out to her. So, over the last month I've decided not to call her to see if she would reach out to me. Of course, she did not and that's the problem. I am not trying to be immature about this situation but I think a relationship needs to work both ways. I know most advice would say contact her and tell her how I feel. But I think that defeats the purpose. I don't think her phone calls to me should have to be solicited by me... Another words, she should contact me because she's interested in speaking with me about her life & mine...because she really wants to not because I am telling her to do so. Thank you for allowing me to vent.

Yuban3 · ‎03-10-2010

Not all friendships are destined to last a lifetime.

She's in a new place, with a new life with new things going on in her life.

Chalk it up to the friendship having run its course.

If she contact you, she contacts you.

If not, the friendship wasn't meant to be.

If you keep calling her, you are the one who looks clingy and needy.

She might be ready for the friendship to end, and her not calling you is her subtle way of trying to get you to realize that.

It's time to move on.

Was Yuban, then changed to Plaid Pants due to forum upgrade, and apparently, I'm back to being Yuban.

funluvin · ‎07-04-2010

Yuban ITA - the "ball is in her court". I am not going to continue to pursue the friendship with her. Life goes on and I have other friends with whom to talk and spend my time. However, the loss of a friendship or potential loss of the friendship still is upsetting. Thanks for your reply.

Lakk · ‎03-10-2010

My cousin went through something similar when she retired. She had worked with a lady for 30 years and when she retired they agreed they would go out to eat once every week or two. My cousin would call and they agreed on a place and time, the other lady would always call and cancel at the last minute. After the third time my cousin stopped calling her and moved on. They live in a real small town and see each other, they speak and they're friendly to each other but that's it. In your situation I would just forget about it and I wouldn't call her anymore.

goodstuff · ‎03-09-2010

I'm sorry the changes in your relationship with your friend are painful for you -- but such changes are not unusual. In fact, most friendships change over time, wax and wane, and sometimes end or become less active -- especially when one party to the relationship moves far away, marries or remarries, takes up new hobbies and groups, changes churches or jobs, etc. I'm sure you've been a good friend, but there's really nothing you can or should do to try to prop up or "force" a friendship that has run its course. Lives, interests, personal needs, and relationships change over time, and sometimes it's best just to let go and move on. No need to resent your friend or blame yourself. Instead, work on accepting that your friend's life is growing in a new direction. Be thankful for the good times you shared over the years, and understand that relationships often don't continue unchanged forever. Perhaps it's time for you to cultivate some new activities and relationships for yourself with people who are better in sync with who you are and what you're doing now.

Best of luck with moving on to new and better things.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

I am going thru the same thing with a cousin that I 'found' after many years of no contact. I made the initial contact via phone (she was happy to hear from me) and we exchanged emails, I emailed and to be honest I am wordy.... BUt I get about a 3 line note back, grrrr. I did not contact her after a couple of these types of messages, then in 2014 I tried again, sent her an email not overly wordy this time and asked if she was OK and did she still want to keep in touch, she said 'yes' along with about 2 lines of text.....I am not emailing any more until I hear from her first...I don't want to chase her.

I'd probably not call or have any contact with your friend until you hear from you, if you don't hear from her you know she really is not interested in keeping up the friendship

...I am going to take my own advice, ha!

DottieBlue · ‎03-11-2010

On 1/31/2014 Yuban3 said:
Not all friendships are destined to last a lifetime.

She's in a new place, with a new life with new things going on in her life.

Chalk it up to the friendship having run its course.

If she contact you, she contacts you.

If not, the friendship wasn't meant to be.

If you keep calling her, you are the one who looks clingy and needy.

She might be ready for the friendship to end, and her not calling you is her subtle way of trying to get you to realize that.

It's time to move on.

Excellent advice. Well said.

circles · ‎03-10-2010

On 1/31/2014 DeltaOne said:
On 1/31/2014 Yuban3 said:
Not all friendships are destined to last a lifetime.

She's in a new place, with a new life with new things going on in her life.

Chalk it up to the friendship having run its course.

If she contact you, she contacts you.

If not, the friendship wasn't meant to be.

If you keep calling her, you are the one who looks clingy and needy.

She might be ready for the friendship to end, and her not calling you is her subtle way of trying to get you to realize that.

It's time to move on.

<br />

Excellent advice. Well said.

I agree....Yuban...excellent advice....

funluvin · ‎07-04-2010

""Thank you"" to all those who replied.

Group 5 minus 1 · ‎03-11-2010

I thought I had a friendship to last a lifetime. (69 years) Our Mothers were pregnant w/us when they moved next door. Through so much we have remained friends. She lives 300 miles away but we still call, write and stuff like that. The other night she called me and she was drunk. DH and I talked to her for 2 hours but it was hard because she kept repeating herself.

Said some really mean things. I was concerned about suicide so we called two friends of hers that lived near by. After talking to them we realized she has done this before. I would never turn her away but I feel like the friendship is done.