Akward request to attend funeral

Trailrun23 · ‎05-31-2022

Am finding myself in a very weird situation. DH's ex passed away three days ago after a long illness. They were divorced over thirty years ago and she had married 4 more times since then. Was single at the time of her death. My stepson, age 52, has been calling DH begging him to come to her funeral to show support for him and his brother, age 46. They were not close to her and hadn't even seen her in a long time as she lived out of state. DH has no desire to attend. She had several siblings who will attend. I find the stepson to be very immature and I think it is terrible to keep calling trying to put a guilt trip on DH if he doesn't attend. That's the first thing he said; I don't want to put a guilt trip on you, but....he has called four times. It is really bothering DH....he is not well anyway and this isn't helping.

sunshine45 · ‎03-09-2010

it sounds to me like the sons want to make peace with their mother and maybe the family and that they would appreciate it if their dad showed up with them in support. i honestly dont see anything wrong with asking for this type of support. they are sad and want/need someone to lean on.

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." - Albert Einstein

LdyBugz · ‎03-10-2010

Awkward indeed. But here is no need for your husband to attend. His sons are mature men, in age, and should be able to handle the situation on their own.

I think your DH just needs to kindly but firmly state that he will not attend. At most, perhaps flowers could be sent to the funeral to express condolences. Even though the sons hadn't seen her for some time, she was still their mother and they probably feel a loss deep down.

Trailrun23 · ‎05-31-2022

I first suggested he send a plant to each of the boys, and he can just say it's from "Dad". The boys are married with families. I am hoping they will feel less needy as the days go by before the funeral. I think it is too soon and they are still just getting used to the loss.They have several aunts and uncles there who should be able to be a source of comfort for them; they did have relationships with them.

PickyPicky3 · ‎10-22-2018

Do the stepsons have spouses/children/friends who will attend the funeral?

Love my grandkids · ‎11-24-2013

@PickyPicky3 The OP states the ex has several siblings who will attend. It's in her post.

Love my grandkids · ‎11-24-2013

@Trailrun23 IMO your DH can just say "No I won't be attending." He is not required to give reasons. She is a long ago EX. No obligatioins. The sons are grown men. They have to deal with the fact that their parents split dedcades ago.

nikkisaunt1 · ‎05-11-2011

Is this his son asking him to attend? If it is, why would he not go to support his son?
this is what fathers should do.

it sounds like it would mean a great deal for your husband to be there for them. Is there a reason other than being divorced from the deceased for a long while that he does not want to attend? Sometimes kindness can mean so much. It might be that there are not that many people to attend or that your husband had a impact on their lives more than you know. But as it means so much, unless it is a hardship for your husband, it might be something very nice indeed for him to do.

Northray · ‎08-29-2013

@Trailrun23 wrote:
Am finding myself in a very weird situation. DH's ex passed away three days ago after a long illness. They were divorced over thirty years ago and she had married 4 more times since then. Was single at the time of her death. My stepson, age 52, has been calling DH begging him to come to her funeral to show support for him and his brother, age 46. They were not close to her and hadn't even seen her in a long time as she lived out of state. DH has no desire to attend. She had several siblings who will attend. I find the stepson to be very immature and I think it is terrible to keep calling trying to put a guilt trip on DH if he doesn't attend. That's the first thing he said; I don't want to put a guilt trip on you, but....he has called four times. It is really bothering DH....he is not well anyway and this isn't helping.

If DH made these children with the Ex. Then it's no wonder that the (adult)child wants the other half of the one who made him and his siblings to attend. He doesn't have to attend tho. Only that it will hurt his child if he doesn't. It's not about the dead woman but the child he made with the woman.

Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

-Rumi