my grandma is getting really bad. the last 6 months have really decimated her.
she is still at home. we have caretakers and ourselves there 24/7. i usually spend 24 hours there every week. after which i come home and literally feel like i have been through a war zone.
she cannot transfer hardly at all now, and is extremely resistent to trying. making it difficult to do toileting things. when i gave her a bath last week, she literally felt like an overcooked chicken in my arms. and i dont say that to be mean or gross, i just dont know how else to put the badness of the situation in words.
i go through wildly varying degrees of guilt and ambivilance and concern and detatchment and anger and disgust and tenderness and caring and not caring.
we have had someone in our family in very ill conditions or in active dying for most of the last 12 years. and that doesnt excuse anything, but i just dont have much left to give.
grandma doesnt want me or my mom to leave, yet the other day she asked me if i was a guest. then i said its me grandma, and she said yes of course.
i feel bad that we kinda gave 110% to grandpa. and i feel like shes only getting 85-90% or maybe less some days. now that is totally relative, and i am not even sure what that means. plus, grandpa was with it til the very end, and she is retreated mostly into infantile behavior. apples and oranges, and boring, i know, i just dont know how much is normal. how much time do any of you spend with your elderly ill folks??
are we supposed to be there every minute?? mom says i am going to have to come up more, and im like, "your kidding me". if we go up on one day, we lose 1/2 day of school and most of the next, and then we end up doing school on the weekends. eeeek.
i dont know what i am even asking?
i just feel sad and sick, and i cant fix her, and sometimes i am just kind of babysitting her, instead of really interacting with her.
yet mom and i spend hours on the phone deciding various aspects of her care.
were torn between hospice, and the drugs she needs to keep her going right now. how much is too much? when is it time to let the illness take over? when is it harder on her to take the medicine, than it is to let nature take its course.???
we dont know the answers to any of this. and i feel scared. i dont want to make a bad choice, and i dont want to abandon her, and i dont have anything left to give. it feels like a giant CATCH 22. and she's 103 for crying out loud. and i dont want her to die either.
i dont know. sorry this is such a ramble with too much info.
have you guys been through this??? how do you figure out what is REALLY the right thing to do?? i also have dh and dd to consider , and my mom, and myself?
or is that all justifications for avoidance????
help!! if you can,
belleandme
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