Beauty

[BetsyDoodle]

On 3/20/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/19/2014 BetsyDoodle said:

On 3/19/2014 chrystaltree said:

OMG! OP, your post is right on the money! Rules to live by. Rules for a happy, contented life. I find myself saying a version of #6 to friends, co workers, subordinates fairly often these days. "Don't over think it, it's ok if you don't know the answer". I say that to people and I sit back and just watch the stress leave their bodies.

chrystaltree

Isn't it funny how when we were little, if we didn't know something we said we didn't know and then we learned the answer. Why is it not ok for "grownups" to not know something? Why is it such an embarrassment almost that we don't know everything (not that we could know everything anyway). Today's world is so competitive and fast paced that we need permission to relax and say "I don't know". Usually when you allow yourself to take a breath, the answer is right there, you just had to take a minute and see it.

Your reply is interesting to me.

Today my parents and I went to an appointment with my father's chemotherapy oncologist. The doctor said that the tumor in my father's femur had grown...then he had to leave the room for a few minutes. While he was gone, my mother was busy instructing my dad not to walk or bear weight on his leg anymore. I looked at her and said, "why don't we ask the doctor what he thinks?" The doctor said it was fine for my father to walk, but to avoid heavy lifting. My mother was ready to give instructions from a point of ignorance...as usual. There seems to be a fear within her of appearing as though she isn't an expert on everything...but no one is an expert on everything.

mistriTsquirrel

So sorry about your father. Sending good thoughts your way and also to your family. My father in law had throat cancer and his doctor said something to us that has stayed with me for 8 years now. She said "We are all masters of our own ships, let him be the master of his". She wanted him to make the big decisions, control is a hard thing to let go of, especially if we think we are doing it for "the right reasons" such as sickness etc. I still have trouble with wanting control at times, so we all are a work in progress! Anyway, wishes for all things good to you and your family.

[Tootie15]

These Cardinal Rules are so true .... I have a not-so-nice SIL who really has caused some great dissension in our family ... #5 would be an ideal rule for her to follow ...

If only .....

[SailAway]

Great post. Thanks for sharing.

[BetsyDoodle]

On 3/20/2014 Tootie15 said:

These Cardinal Rules are so true .... I have a not-so-nice SIL who really has caused some great dissension in our family ... #5 would be an ideal rule for her to follow ...

If only .....

Tootie15

You too?? I have 2 SIL's who are the not so nice variety. My parents and sister and I don't see my two brothers much because of them. We are not sophisticated enough and they have convinced my brothers they had horrible childhoods. Funny since my sister and I grew up with the same parents and we think we had the best parents. We didn't have a lot but we never knew it because our parents would do without so we could have more. My brothers weren't aware of their terrible childhoods until they were told by their lovely wives. Their wives grew up in the country club environment, we didn't but I wouldn't trade my life for their lives because those poor women are miserable. So #2 and #5 are what stand out to me.

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/20/2014 BetsyDoodle said:

On 3/20/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/19/2014 BetsyDoodle said:

On 3/19/2014 chrystaltree said:

OMG! OP, your post is right on the money! Rules to live by. Rules for a happy, contented life. I find myself saying a version of #6 to friends, co workers, subordinates fairly often these days. "Don't over think it, it's ok if you don't know the answer". I say that to people and I sit back and just watch the stress leave their bodies.

chrystaltree

Isn't it funny how when we were little, if we didn't know something we said we didn't know and then we learned the answer. Why is it not ok for "grownups" to not know something? Why is it such an embarrassment almost that we don't know everything (not that we could know everything anyway). Today's world is so competitive and fast paced that we need permission to relax and say "I don't know". Usually when you allow yourself to take a breath, the answer is right there, you just had to take a minute and see it.

Your reply is interesting to me.

Today my parents and I went to an appointment with my father's chemotherapy oncologist. The doctor said that the tumor in my father's femur had grown...then he had to leave the room for a few minutes. While he was gone, my mother was busy instructing my dad not to walk or bear weight on his leg anymore. I looked at her and said, "why don't we ask the doctor what he thinks?" The doctor said it was fine for my father to walk, but to avoid heavy lifting. My mother was ready to give instructions from a point of ignorance...as usual. There seems to be a fear within her of appearing as though she isn't an expert on everything...but no one is an expert on everything.

mistriTsquirrel

So sorry about your father. Sending good thoughts your way and also to your family. My father in law had throat cancer and his doctor said something to us that has stayed with me for 8 years now. She said "We are all masters of our own ships, let him be the master of his". She wanted him to make the big decisions, control is a hard thing to let go of, especially if we think we are doing it for "the right reasons" such as sickness etc. I still have trouble with wanting control at times, so we all are a work in progress! Anyway, wishes for all things good to you and your family.

Thanks, BetsyDoodle.

I know it makes my mother feel less anxious to be in control...but it's not good for my dad. I want him to make his own decisions, as your father-in-law's doctor wanted him to do. Of course, the only way he can make informed decisions is if he has information. I go to some of these appointments, and I ask questions. My mother doesn't like it if I ask more than one or two questions, but the questions I ask are pretty basic and to-the-point. (eg--"Is it safe for him to bear weight on his leg?") The questions are all relevant to the cancer in his esophagus, chest and femur, and the treatments. I don't ask questions that have to do with his longevity or anything like that that are questions only my dad should ask (because he may or may not want to hear the answers). It really bothers me when my mother tries to instruct him on every detail, because I feel like the man should get to enjoy what little retirement time he will have. It's very upsetting to me. I try not to argue with her too much, because I don't want to cause him stress. I also know that she has a habit of staying in bed for days at a time when someone hurts her feelings, and I don't want that either. I feel I have to walk on eggshells at a time when I should be able to communicate--in basic and reasonable ways--with my mother. She has a tendency to make things about her that aren't...and it's really unfair to my dad. I can only hope she will see that at some point soon...but I'm not counting on it. My mom wants to travel a little before my dad passes away, but he doesn't seem to want that. I feel sad for her about that, but he's ill, and he wants to stay home with a dog on his lap and watch t.v....so that's what he should be allowed to do. Maybe I should try to get her to take a nice trip with the one sister she likes to be around, and I can hang out with Dad and watch bad movies with him and the dog...

[BetsyDoodle]

On 3/21/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/20/2014 BetsyDoodle said:

On 3/20/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/19/2014 BetsyDoodle said:

On 3/19/2014 chrystaltree said:

OMG! OP, your post is right on the money! Rules to live by. Rules for a happy, contented life. I find myself saying a version of #6 to friends, co workers, subordinates fairly often these days. "Don't over think it, it's ok if you don't know the answer". I say that to people and I sit back and just watch the stress leave their bodies.

chrystaltree

Isn't it funny how when we were little, if we didn't know something we said we didn't know and then we learned the answer. Why is it not ok for "grownups" to not know something? Why is it such an embarrassment almost that we don't know everything (not that we could know everything anyway). Today's world is so competitive and fast paced that we need permission to relax and say "I don't know". Usually when you allow yourself to take a breath, the answer is right there, you just had to take a minute and see it.

Your reply is interesting to me.

Today my parents and I went to an appointment with my father's chemotherapy oncologist. The doctor said that the tumor in my father's femur had grown...then he had to leave the room for a few minutes. While he was gone, my mother was busy instructing my dad not to walk or bear weight on his leg anymore. I looked at her and said, "why don't we ask the doctor what he thinks?" The doctor said it was fine for my father to walk, but to avoid heavy lifting. My mother was ready to give instructions from a point of ignorance...as usual. There seems to be a fear within her of appearing as though she isn't an expert on everything...but no one is an expert on everything.

mistriTsquirrel

So sorry about your father. Sending good thoughts your way and also to your family. My father in law had throat cancer and his doctor said something to us that has stayed with me for 8 years now. She said "We are all masters of our own ships, let him be the master of his". She wanted him to make the big decisions, control is a hard thing to let go of, especially if we think we are doing it for "the right reasons" such as sickness etc. I still have trouble with wanting control at times, so we all are a work in progress! Anyway, wishes for all things good to you and your family.

Thanks, BetsyDoodle.

I know it makes my mother feel less anxious to be in control...but it's not good for my dad. I want him to make his own decisions, as your father-in-law's doctor wanted him to do. Of course, the only way he can make informed decisions is if he has information. I go to some of these appointments, and I ask questions. My mother doesn't like it if I ask more than one or two questions, but the questions I ask are pretty basic and to-the-point. (eg--"Is it safe for him to bear weight on his leg?") The questions are all relevant to the cancer in his esophagus, chest and femur, and the treatments. I don't ask questions that have to do with his longevity or anything like that that are questions only my dad should ask (because he may or may not want to hear the answers). It really bothers me when my mother tries to instruct him on every detail, because I feel like the man should get to enjoy what little retirement time he will have. It's very upsetting to me. I try not to argue with her too much, because I don't want to cause him stress. I also know that she has a habit of staying in bed for days at a time when someone hurts her feelings, and I don't want that either. I feel I have to walk on eggshells at a time when I should be able to communicate--in basic and reasonable ways--with my mother. She has a tendency to make things about her that aren't...and it's really unfair to my dad. I can only hope she will see that at some point soon...but I'm not counting on it. My mom wants to travel a little before my dad passes away, but he doesn't seem to want that. I feel sad for her about that, but he's ill, and he wants to stay home with a dog on his lap and watch t.v....so that's what he should be allowed to do. Maybe I should try to get her to take a nice trip with the one sister she likes to be around, and I can hang out with Dad and watch bad movies with him and the dog...

The walking on eggshells and hurt feelings thing I also have to deal with, but with my SIL. It can be exhausting!!! The trip idea for your mom with your sister, and you and your dad watching movies sounds like you have your problem solved! It is hard, and no family is perfect, they all have people with quirks, and control issues and all the craziness. Just get through it the best you can and you can concentrate on giving your father what he needs. He will be thankful for it and the other stuff, sometimes going outside in a secluded place and screaming helps!!! A hint is also that my husband got the doctors off to himself and got all the information direct because my MIL was close to how your mother is, so it saved him some stress if he talked to the doctor without her, sometimes in the hallway outside the room. Take care and hugs your way!!

[BetsyDoodle]

[mistriTsquirrel]

On 3/21/2014 BetsyDoodle said:

On 3/21/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/20/2014 BetsyDoodle said:

On 3/20/2014 mistriTsquirrel said:

On 3/19/2014 BetsyDoodle said:

On 3/19/2014 chrystaltree said:

OMG! OP, your post is right on the money! Rules to live by. Rules for a happy, contented life. I find myself saying a version of #6 to friends, co workers, subordinates fairly often these days. "Don't over think it, it's ok if you don't know the answer". I say that to people and I sit back and just watch the stress leave their bodies.

chrystaltree

Isn't it funny how when we were little, if we didn't know something we said we didn't know and then we learned the answer. Why is it not ok for "grownups" to not know something? Why is it such an embarrassment almost that we don't know everything (not that we could know everything anyway). Today's world is so competitive and fast paced that we need permission to relax and say "I don't know". Usually when you allow yourself to take a breath, the answer is right there, you just had to take a minute and see it.

Your reply is interesting to me.

Today my parents and I went to an appointment with my father's chemotherapy oncologist. The doctor said that the tumor in my father's femur had grown...then he had to leave the room for a few minutes. While he was gone, my mother was busy instructing my dad not to walk or bear weight on his leg anymore. I looked at her and said, "why don't we ask the doctor what he thinks?" The doctor said it was fine for my father to walk, but to avoid heavy lifting. My mother was ready to give instructions from a point of ignorance...as usual. There seems to be a fear within her of appearing as though she isn't an expert on everything...but no one is an expert on everything.

mistriTsquirrel

So sorry about your father. Sending good thoughts your way and also to your family. My father in law had throat cancer and his doctor said something to us that has stayed with me for 8 years now. She said "We are all masters of our own ships, let him be the master of his". She wanted him to make the big decisions, control is a hard thing to let go of, especially if we think we are doing it for "the right reasons" such as sickness etc. I still have trouble with wanting control at times, so we all are a work in progress! Anyway, wishes for all things good to you and your family.

Thanks, BetsyDoodle.

I know it makes my mother feel less anxious to be in control...but it's not good for my dad. I want him to make his own decisions, as your father-in-law's doctor wanted him to do. Of course, the only way he can make informed decisions is if he has information. I go to some of these appointments, and I ask questions. My mother doesn't like it if I ask more than one or two questions, but the questions I ask are pretty basic and to-the-point. (eg--"Is it safe for him to bear weight on his leg?") The questions are all relevant to the cancer in his esophagus, chest and femur, and the treatments. I don't ask questions that have to do with his longevity or anything like that that are questions only my dad should ask (because he may or may not want to hear the answers). It really bothers me when my mother tries to instruct him on every detail, because I feel like the man should get to enjoy what little retirement time he will have. It's very upsetting to me. I try not to argue with her too much, because I don't want to cause him stress. I also know that she has a habit of staying in bed for days at a time when someone hurts her feelings, and I don't want that either. I feel I have to walk on eggshells at a time when I should be able to communicate--in basic and reasonable ways--with my mother. She has a tendency to make things about her that aren't...and it's really unfair to my dad. I can only hope she will see that at some point soon...but I'm not counting on it. My mom wants to travel a little before my dad passes away, but he doesn't seem to want that. I feel sad for her about that, but he's ill, and he wants to stay home with a dog on his lap and watch t.v....so that's what he should be allowed to do. Maybe I should try to get her to take a nice trip with the one sister she likes to be around, and I can hang out with Dad and watch bad movies with him and the dog...

The walking on eggshells and hurt feelings thing I also have to deal with, but with my SIL. It can be exhausting!!! The trip idea for your mom with your sister, and you and your dad watching movies sounds like you have your problem solved! It is hard, and no family is perfect, they all have people with quirks, and control issues and all the craziness. Just get through it the best you can and you can concentrate on giving your father what he needs. He will be thankful for it and the other stuff, sometimes going outside in a secluded place and screaming helps!!! A hint is also that my husband got the doctors off to himself and got all the information direct because my MIL was close to how your mother is, so it saved him some stress if he talked to the doctor without her, sometimes in the hallway outside the room. Take care and hugs your way!!

Thanks, BetsyDoodle!!

[wannabe]

A lot of great ""words"" in this post. I took some screen shots to text to my kids. They have lived by the philosophy ""Be kind to everyone because you never know what people are going through."".