@geezerette,
I've been lurking and following the ComPact threads for a while now, since I need a mental distraction from my DH's medical needs as he recovers from a bone marrow transplant and I am his 24/7 caregiver.
First, my deepest condolences on the loss of your husband. My first husband died in a car accident 30 years ago and I have a pretty good idea of what you are experiencing. Three cops showed up at my door to tell me he had died and my world telescoped down and I went into shock for the first three months. I was a robot, just went through the motions. After three months, the shock wore off and I started to really feel the emotional pain and sorrow. But, it did get easier as time went on. Holidays and anniversaries will be tough for you the first couple of years. But, it gets easier. Looking back, I feel like I lost of year of my life to grief. I don't remember much of that time period except that I was in misery.
People that haven't lost a spouse/life partner won't know what to say to you out of fear of upsetting you. They'll say stupid, inane things to try to commiserate and make you feel better. You won't feel better and you'll probably get mad at what they say, and that's Ok, you feel what you feel. It gets easier as time goes on.
Looking back, the loss of my husband was far more catastrophic than losing a parent or sibling. The loss of my husband was losing that close emotional connection and intimacy that you have with your life partner...a much different relationship than with other family members. I lost all those life experiences I was supposed to have with him...starting a family, watching the kids grow up, growing old together, being with the one person in the world that 'got' me. His sudden death rocked the very foundation of my life and threatened to topple me. But, it did get easier as time went on.
I met my second husband a couple of years after my first husband died. I didn't think I would ever get married again, but I did. I told DH #2 that this time, I get to die first because I didn't want to experience being widowed a second time. As fate would have it, he is presently being treated for leukemia and doing well so far. But, I have to wonder, will he be 'cured' of his cancer or is this really the start of the long goodbye. Only time will tell.
Do I have any words of wisdom? Even during your darkest days, have faith that you will get through the grief and that it will be easier. And don't be surprised if it takes you a couple of years to work through it. Be patient with yourself and ignore all the friends/family that think you should 'be over it by now' after six months. They don't know what they are talking about. We each recover from grief at our own pace. Take your time, work through it, and you will come out in one piece on the other side.
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