What would you do re: a long -time friendship?

barb40 · ‎03-09-2010

I will try to keep this brief...I have a friend of many years, and, I feel we are growing distant from each other. We live about 3 hours apart. I feel over the years it has become a bit one sided...I reach out to make contact or get together more often than she does, which is fine. I thought it was her, but now I wonder if it is me?! Right now, I'm ready to sit back and see if she reaches out. However, I don't want to let a long friendship fade away without trying to see if we will overcome this.

Question...would you call or write a letter? I want to address this, but do not want to seem confrontational, or accusatory...i certainly don't want to put her on the defensive or hurt her feelings...

Thanks for any input or suggestions you may have!

LindaSal · ‎05-15-2014

I have a friend who is similar. She never reaches out and it is hard for me to get her to commit to a dinner date, she always seems to have an excuse. It is hard for me sometimes but we have been friends since high school and I just try to overlook it. She never was very reliable even then, LOL! But the way I look at it is we have our own family's and obligations.....people are so busy. We are both breast cancer survivors and we were absolutely there for each other when the going got tough, that's what really matters in my heart. Just because I don't see her doesn't mean I love her any less.

Kachina624 · ‎03-10-2010

I have a similar situation with a friend in Houston. We started working together in 1966. She visited and spent several days with me here in Albuquerque, at which time I drove her all over showing her the sights. Everytime we've talked, I called her. The last time we chatted was 1 1/2 years ago when Houston had the hurricane. I called to see if she was okay. As we wound up the conversation, she said, " Now let's stay in touch". I reminded her that everytime we had talked, I had called her.

I decided I'm not going to call her again and she's made no effort to stay in touch.

New Mexico☀️Land Of Enchantment

millieshops · ‎03-09-2010

@barb40Depends. If when you reach out to her, she readily agrees to a plan, I'd just continue the way things have been. You just may be the more extroverted, the better planner even than she is. Maybe she's even a bit shy and is glad to have you be the leader.

But, if when you reach out, your friend hems and haws and seems reluctant to plan, I know I'd feel there's a problem and I'd ask. I agree it's very uncomfortable to do, but not having an answer is also hard and puzzling. know long friendships fade away sometimes, but I don't like finding out later that I lost a friend because I didn't communicate.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

If it were me I would take on the attitude of waiting to hear from her.....if you don't hear from her in a decent amount of time (and only you know how long is to long), then'd I call, or email, however you keep in touch, and just have a casual conversation....if you don't feel it goes well, I would just let the relationship fizzle out on its own....I would not make an issue over it, I'd just let it go.

LTT1 · ‎03-09-2010

@barb40

I have a life-long friend and our friendship has been dedicated and constant over the years.

We have not had a chatty relationship since college, though, but always she has been a faithful friend.

I am direct she is not. Once when we shared an apartment as young adults, I felt as though distance was increasing and wondered if something was wrong.

The memory of trying to communicate openly stays with me. I tried, but this was not her “way.” So, I let it alone and waited. Sure enough, some way she convinced me that she was still the same, trusted friend as always. It felt great to try, though, just to feel reassured.

Wish I could remember how I phrased what I said? She was/is very much a person who believes that people ARE what they DO and not what they SAY.❤️

~Have a Kind Heart, Fierce Mind, Brave Spirit~

Peaches McPhee · ‎04-19-2010

I've been through a similar thing. I noticed that I was the one who always reached out to a friend, and I started to resent it. I stopped reaching out, and sure enough, the friendship faded. It is funny, too, because we worked together and were very close. She got a nother job, and swore up and down that we'd maintain our friendship. She was the one that let it go, ultimately, at least in my opinion.

It is not a matter of you vs her. It's is a matter of how the friendship makes you feel. If you can live with the idea that you will always be the initiator, then keep at it and enjoy the friendship. If not, be prepared for letting it fade away, because chances are good it will.

Personally, I would not have a convesation about it. I'd have a hard time not coming off as needy and clingy. But that is me. Plus, what is she going to say? She'll either promise to do better (and not do so) or make up excuses or deny it. No resolution.

-- pro-aging --

Rochester, New York

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

That type of thing might have bothered me in my 20's or 30's. It might bother me now if the friendship was a new one. But I'm old enough now to know that long time friendships have dynamics. A friendship is never 50-50 in all things, at all times. Heck, even a marriage doesn't work like that. I have two bff's; one has been my friend for 37 years. She's more like a sister to me. Together we've been through everything life has thrown at us; good bad and in between. For the most part, I'm the one who calls. If I haven't seen her for a while, I'm the one who sets something up. We talked about a girls trip this summer, like we used to do back in the day. If it's going to happen, I'm the one who make it happen. But! When I truly need her, when I truly need something from her. She's johnny on the spot! She's the most supportive and caring person I know. She adores my kids and has always been there for them. That's how our relationsip works. If I don't hear from her for few weeks, I reach out. I'm ok with that because I know that she's ok, just busy and distracted with other things. If she needed me....I'd hear from her because we're bff's and we're always there for each other.