Among Friends

[Ifeelwicked]

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@Snowpuppy wrote:

If your friend having surgery is well off financially, why is she too cheap to hire someone to come in a few hours a day?

Rotator cuff surgery is not life threatening, nor will she be confined to a wheelchair or walker.

She will need someone to take her to therapy and follow up appts.

She has no other family to rely on?

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You are correct about life threatening, wheelchair, etc. However, have you had this surgery? It is far from a transportation inconvenience. The brace alone, that must be worn afterwards at a 45 degree angle for up to 6 weeks, is what I imagine is causing this woman concern. You cannot move your arm, period. And chances are it’s her dominant arm. I remember, years ago, doing my neighbors hair for her. It’s all the easy stuff we do everyday for ourselves without blinking. I had NO idea until I was faced with the same thing. I think the friend was extremely generous in her offerings. I also think the gal having the surgery is a little nervous about the whole thing, and that’s why she may have seemed hurt. I get it. I hope it all works out for everyone involved. They all seem like wonderful ladies. 🌷

[haddon9]

You sound very thoughtful & helpful making those suggestions.  I can't understand why your friend would expect you to drop everything in your life to help. You have a disabled husband...I do too and people really don't understand how your own life is limited. You did say that you would be there as much as you can so what does she expect of you?

However sometimes people are funny.  We all have different ideas and expectations of others and sometimes they can be a bit unrealistic.  If your friend expects a lot from her two close friends (you) then why did she schedule her surgery when the other friend will be away?  Couldn't she have rescheduled once she found out that this other friend will be on a trip?

[newagain888888]

If I were having surgery and had a friend who was already burdened by caring for a disabled person, there is no way I would put any expectations or additional demands on her. The fact that she has the financial resources to hire the temporary assistance she needs and would prefer to burden you instead, speaks volumes. She either does not understand or does not sufficiently value your own situation. In either case, it will be up to you to set reasonable boundaries.

While you could be great emotional support and perhaps could help out occasionally, there needs to be a primary care someone who can be available and responsive 24 hours a day. In your situation, how would you manage if there were an emergency or if her needs required unexpected assistance? Who would then be able to take on your own home and work responsibilities? There are short-term care facilities that offer excellent temporary care as well as in-home nursing professionals who could better oversee her needs.

I also care for a disabled person. Having been through this situation myself, my hard-earned life lesson is that that you should be mindful of your own responsibilities first and never offer more than is “workable” and fair to you. Otherwise, you both lose. Best of luck!

[reiki604]

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@house_cat wrote:

My two dearest friends are both retired.  Both of them are very well-off financially.  One of them is having rotator cuff surgery done next week.  The other one, though usually very thoughtful and helpful, will be away on a cruise for two weeks and unable to help out.

We three had dinner together the other night and the one who is having surgery was saying that she will be needing lots of help. She will not have the use of her left arm and she is not permitted to drive for six weeks.  She lives alone, across town from me, about 20 minutes each way.  I told her that I'd be happy to stop in after work as many days as possible, bring groceries, help out with what she might need.  I did suggest, though, that she might want to consider Uber or Lyft and grocery delivery from time to time, since I am already the designated chauffeur and caretaker for my husband who is disabled.  

She didn't say it outright, but I sense that she was hurt by my suggestion that I may not be able to help her as often as she expected.  The other friend, who will be away cruising, said, "If I wasn't going away, I'd have you come stay with us so I could care for you."  I know that's true and she would open her home to her, but the reality is that she will NOT be home and NOT able to do that, so the responsibiity is mine, at least for the first two weeks of her recovery.

I'm bracing myself for the responses I might get, but I'll ask anyway.... do you think I was unreasonable or incondsiderate to suggest she might call an Uber or have food delvered, at least part of the time? 

I'm feeling like a heel.

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Since she really hasn't said anything to you, it might be your (unwarranted) guilt at not being able to do more from her. You have a lot on your plate and cannot be expected to do more than you can. If she does have a problem, then that's all it is, her problem.

[Lilysmom]

@house_cat, I don't think you are being unreasonable either.  I had a family member who lived 40 minutes (one way) from me be restricted from driving for a few weeks.  No surgery.  I offered to help but she kept refusing saying that her friends were helping her out.  She kept on talking about how great her friends were with the unspoken implication  that her family wasn’t.  I just let her talk.  She eventually got over it.  But, she’s like that so it wasn’t unexpected.  Somewhere down the road she will say something about me not helping.  It’s just the way she is.  LM

[qualitygal]

contact the service that helps seniors they shop for you, can come and visit daily.  if she can afford it, and keep her friends.

[AngelPuppy1]

@house_cat

I think you were being upfront with her.  This way, she knew right off the bat what your situation is.  I mean, you are really good friends and she would be aware of this any way. But it's good you clearly indicated that you would do what you could but that you work and have the responsibility of being there to help and assist your husband.  You made suggestions that were perfectly reasonable.  And since she has no money issues, she could easily have grocery delivery and even medication delivery.  And if she lives where Uber or Lyft operates, they could even drive her to a doctor's appointment if no-one else is able to help her. Does she not have any family members or other friends who could pitch in?  I believe even though you are good friends, it is not fair of her to expect you to be doing everything for her when she knows your circumstances.  

[PamfromCT]

@house_cat, You have gotten so much good advice here from forum friends.  The only thing I would like to add is one little suggestion.  Would you consider contacting a local VNA or other health care agency to offer your friend concrete examples of the assistance they provide?  They can give your friend homemaking assistance (laundry, shopping for food, meal preparation, etc).  Additionally, they do offer help with personal care, such as bathing, etc.  Of course, a nurse can also visit to offer assistance with physical care, medication management, etc., in coordination with your friend's physician.  I worked for such an agency for a time, so I do know there are many levels of care different professionals can provide.  Including services of a Social Worker, if needed.  

I would hope your friend would consider these services.  I would also hope your friend would realize you will be there to emotionally support her, but that your life is already overflowing with responsibilities.  Furthermore, it sounds to me she would be a good candidate for a week or two in a care facility following her operation, where she not be alone 24 hours a day.

I do hope this all works out, both for you and for her.  

[Zhills]

If she is financially well off, I would bet she is not needy, but she is scared and doesn't want to admit it!  Assure her that you are there for her and don't sorry about it.  Just keep in touch with her often.  Bless you!

[Bird mama]

@house_cat  you can't be all things to all people.  You work and are taking care of your husband.  You offered what you could reasonably accommodate.  Stop feeling like a heel (said with affection and sincerity).