Among Friends

[GAQShopr53]

@house_cat Nope! you have offered more than any reasonable friend/person would do. Does she not have family that could step in and help? I asked because when my mom needs care I take the time off and travel to do what I am required to do for her.  You already have more than enough on your plate.  You are really a great friend!

[Drythe]

@house_cat

You are a good, kind person who has a full plate.

I know you will offer help as you can, beyond that you need not feel obligated, or apologetic. 

[KaySD]

It's hard to be clear when in such a situation, isn't it? What caught my attention was where you said, "so the responsibility is mine." But that's not actually true.  The responsibility is not yours. If you are feeling like that, it's no wonder you are also feeling conflicted. 

It's your friend's responsibility to find a way to get what she needs, She asked for your help, which is very appropriate. You'd probably be sad if she didn't. But her asking for help doesn't make you respo;nsible for figuring it all out for her unless you choose to take that on. It's okay for you to say yes, or no, or something in between.

What you choose to offer isn't even really the point, it's the place within you from which the offer comes. Give what is prompted by your own generosity and matches your actual availability. That's being respectful of you both. And it sounds like pretty much what you did!

If you want, maybe you could offer to help her ahead of the surgery to line up what else she needs afterwards? 

I wish you well!

[phoenixbrd]

@house_cat  Yes, her expectations are unrealistic.  I think you know this and seeking validation.  Love her, but keep your boundaries and priorities in order.  You've got a full plate.  Much love.

[happycat]

You offered to help. It sounds as though you work, which your friend really needs to take into consideration.

I don't think you were a heel at all, I think you did good by letting her know that you weren't going to be available 24/7 for her.

There is nothing wrong with putting ourselves first. It took me 50 years to learn that.

I'm all for helping friends out, but theres nothing wrong with knowing our limitations and letting friends know them as well.

If she is well off and can afford it, are there people she could hire for an hour to two daily to come in and help her out?

[GCR18]

If she can't take care of herself, she should consider going some place for rehabilitation for a couple weeks.  Or the other option is to have one of her kids come.  She can't expect you to take care of all her needs.  I think I would ****** this in the bud now.

Go see her tomorrow and talk through things.  Offer to help her select clothes and put together a grocery list.  She needs to get simple foods that she can prepare.  She can't expect you to cook for her.  How is she getting to/from the hospital?  

I would not feel guilty.  When she said I am going to need help, I would have asked what she had arranged.  

[Misplaced Parisian]

@house_cat You are a very kind soul.  You offered to help in all the ways that you are able.  You have a lot on your plate.  Please do not give this any more thought.  Know that you are a genuine friend, the world would be a better place with more like you in it.  Good luck with all you are doing.  

[speedy girl]

You are totally in the right!! You offered to help as much as possible and what more could she expect. I would do just as you planned for the first couple weeks and then when your friend gets back from her cruise, then she can do the next couple weeks. I think you are doing what you can and that is very generous. 

[Desert Lily]

I had that surgery. A friend picked me up from the surgery center at noon and had my child & me (a single mom) at her house that night. During the 1st night, the anesthetic wore off, and the pain was terrible. I took a pain pill. Several hours later when our kids were at school, I took the next pain pill and seizured. I was deathly allergic to the medicine. My friend was there to drive me to the ER, as I couldn't breathe either. By the next day, I was feeling better & went home. Day 3, I was driving, showering, cooking, etc. I took no more meds, not even tylenol because that and lydocaine were in a pump the surgery center had inserted. Bottom line: I don't think your friend should be alone the first day or 2 because the anesthesia will make her sleepy and the pain is the worst right after it wears off.

[Silver Fox1]

@house_catyou are not being inconsiderate at all - your working, which is hard enough.  Easy for your other friend to say she'd have her come stay with her - she's retired with all the time in the world.  I'm sure your friend having the surgury knows this.  You have nothing to feel bad about, I think you gave her good sound sugestions.