Re: Unrealistic expectations of help?

Mindy D · ‎05-23-2010

@house_cat wrote:
My two dearest friends are both retired. Both of them are very well-off financially. One of them is having rotator cuff surgery done next week. The other one, though usually very thoughtful and helpful, will be away on a cruise for two weeks and unable to help out.

We three had dinner together the other night and the one who is having surgery was saying that she will be needing lots of help. She will not have the use of her left arm and she is not permitted to drive for six weeks. She lives alone, across town from me, about 20 minutes each way. I told her that I'd be happy to stop in after work as many days as possible, bring groceries, help out with what she might need. I did suggest, though, that she might want to consider Uber or Lyft and grocery delivery from time to time, since I am already the designated chauffeur and caretaker for my husband who is disabled.

She didn't say it outright, but I sense that she was hurt by my suggestion that I may not be able to help her as often as she expected. The other friend, who will be away cruising, said, "If I wasn't going away, I'd have you come stay with us so I could care for you." I know that's true and she would open her home to her, but the reality is that she will NOT be home and NOT able to do that, so the responsibiity is mine, at least for the first two weeks of her recovery.

I'm bracing myself for the responses I might get, but I'll ask anyway.... do you think I was unreasonable or incondsiderate to suggest she might call an Uber or have food delvered, at least part of the time?
I'm feeling like a heel.

You are being helpful and realistic. You will physically help your friend as often as possible for you. Your friend should look for other options to take up the slack. Grocery delivery is widely available now. Uber, when summoned at slow times, can be a good way to get around. There’s nothing wrong with what you said. You gracupiously offered to help. That was kind and considerate of you. Let’s have faith in your friend that she will realize this.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@qbetzforreal wrote:
If she didn't say anything, don't worry about. Do what you can to help.

I agree. The OP got the feeling that the friend expected more, but the friend didn't actually say so. It's perfectly possible that the friend fully understands that the OP can't fill the void left by the other friend, and is not expecting anything more. All we have here is an assumption of what the friend might be thinking - and she might not have been thinking that at all!

I've been on both sides of this (the one who helped and the one who needed help), and here's my advice: Just do what you can do. It's unfortunate that the other friend will be away on a cruise, but it is what it is. All you can do is the best you can do. If she's a good friend (and it sounds as though she is), she will very likely be grateful for any assistance. Don't jump to conclusions about what she may be thinking, and don't worry about it.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Snowpuppy wrote:
If your friend having surgery is well off financially, why is she too cheap to hire someone to come in a few hours a day?

Rotator cuff surgery is not life threatening, nor will she be confined to a wheelchair or walker.

She will need someone to take her to therapy and follow up appts.

She has no other family to rely on?
Yes! Your “friend” needs to hire someone to help her. She is crazy to expect her friends who have their own lives to live to be her servant.

I didn't see any indication - in any of the OP's posts - that the friend expects anyone to be her servant.

That's really taking things to a whole other level, especially since the friend apparently didn't say anything about the OP's help not being enough. It's very clear that she has no expectation of being waited on hand and foot.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I haven't read the replies, but I thought one of the great things about having wealth was having options.

Some people have no money and no family. They really need help in a situation like this. But you admit the friend is well off.

I have started to approach life in this way. Only seek the help of family and friends when you really need it. Don't wear out your welcome, as it can lead to them not being there at all.

Having the money to hire things done (transportation, house cleaning, shopping service, etc.) during this time should be a no brainer to this person.

I'm sure she is apprehensive about the surgery, the pain and the difficulty afterward and some of the neediness is coming from that. I'm sure at first, she will need real help from real family/friends.

But everyone's goal should be to get back to independence as soon as possible, and in this case would mean paying for as many services as necessary (since she has plenty of funds), and saving the friend's help for when it is needed the most.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Snowpuppy wrote:
If your friend having surgery is well off financially, why is she too cheap to hire someone to come in a few hours a day?

Rotator cuff surgery is not life threatening, nor will she be confined to a wheelchair or walker.

She will need someone to take her to therapy and follow up appts.

She has no other family to rely on?
Yes! Your “friend” needs to hire someone to help her. She is crazy to expect her friends who have their own lives to live to be her servant.

I didn't see any indication - in any of the OP's posts - that the friend expects anyone to be her servant.

That's really taking things to a whole other level, especially since the friend apparently didn't say anything about the OP's help not being enough. It's very clear that she has no expectation of being waited on hand and foot.

That was my take on this too, I think op is seeing something that isn't there. She's jumping to conclusions because she cannot do as much as the third friend who will be away on that cruise would do. Yes, it's strange that posters jumped right in with their daggers when op never said or indicated that her friend was asking for too much...or anything, for that matter.

Isobel Archer · ‎04-04-2015

@chrystaltree wrote:
@NYC Susan wrote:
@SeaMaiden wrote:
@Snowpuppy wrote:
If your friend having surgery is well off financially, why is she too cheap to hire someone to come in a few hours a day?

Rotator cuff surgery is not life threatening, nor will she be confined to a wheelchair or walker.

She will need someone to take her to therapy and follow up appts.

She has no other family to rely on?
Yes! Your “friend” needs to hire someone to help her. She is crazy to expect her friends who have their own lives to live to be her servant.

I didn't see any indication - in any of the OP's posts - that the friend expects anyone to be her servant.

That's really taking things to a whole other level, especially since the friend apparently didn't say anything about the OP's help not being enough. It's very clear that she has no expectation of being waited on hand and foot.

That was my take on this too, I think op is seeing something that isn't there. She's jumping to conclusions because she cannot do as much as the third friend who will be away on that cruise would do. Yes, it's strange that posters jumped right in with their daggers when op never said or indicated that her friend was asking for too much...or anything, for that matter.

Not sure - from some of OP's posts - that I agree with this assessment.

The woman felt she was "appropriately cared for" when she had her knee replacement and church members "brought her meals for several weeks."

She does not want to hire help, use uber/lyft or order groceries.

Sounds to me as if she expects her friends to do this for her.

Interesting that we don't hear that she ever offered to take OP's husband to doctor's appointments when OP couldn't due to work.

millieshops · ‎03-09-2010

Wow! I've been on both sides of this problem - and neither side is in any way easy.

I do live alone with no family within maybe 5 hours - and while there's no animosity between us, there's also zero chance they can help unless we're talking major, major emergency whatever that would be.

S0 - last week when I had outpatient surgery, one friend was my round-trip transportation (Uber, etc. was expressly forbidden) and another did the same the next day. Several others provided some food and one friend even loaned me her grabber. I was fortunate not to need more this time, but the experience has taught me to offer more to others but, more importantly, to plan what to do for a more serious surgery.

As for the volunteering - @house_catI think we can offer only what we realistically can do - and I feel given your own situation, you have already made a very generous offer and have no need to feel in the least guilty.

One of the friends who helped me also taught me a great lesson. She, too, lives alone, has for years and years - and she has ongoing physical issues. She observed that giving help comes naturally to many of us, but ASKING for help is extremely difficult for most of us. I believe she is right and I'm working on that. I hate to ask, but it does spread the burden. I hope your friend does better than she expects AND spreads the burden where she just can't cope.

Mj12 · ‎03-09-2010

O/T @millieshops I hope you are recovering well after your procedure last week.

feline groovy · ‎07-29-2014

@house_cat:

O/T, but how are Gracie and Shadow doing now? They make an adorable comedic pair. 8)

jannabelle1 · ‎09-12-2010

@house_cat, you are absolutely not being inconsiderate or unreasonable! I admire you for offering as much as did considering what else you have going on in your life! From what I remember with my hubby's surgery (rotator cuff), all he wanted to do at first was sleep, but he certainly wasn't incapacitated. Your suggestions to her were good. If she can well afford it, she really should look into hiring home health care for a few hours a day! Good luck to you, and be strong. Really, one of her kids should take a few days off and be with her for the first several days after her surgery.