Among Friends

[Vivian]

My 73 year old husband was recently diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment. He is in total denial about it. He can function well for the most part but his short term memory is almost non existant and yet he is entirely unaware of the problem. Telling him about it is of no use.

We bought a beautiful new car last week. Probably his last. The dealer said we will need a bank check to pay for it. My husband insists he will bring the dealership a personal check. They will not accept it. I am more than happy to get the bank check but my husband insists that he will present the personal check and the dealer had darned well accept our money on his terms. His stubbornness, ways a problem, has clearly gotten worse now that he may be in the early stages of dementia. This is just one example of how he sees the world on his terms only.  I fear that he will embarrass himself yet the more I intervene, the angrier he becomes. I am at my wits' end yet I know this is only the beginning of his downward spiral. He's on meds but I see no effect. He has become a very grumpy old man. I know he must be scared but it manifests itself in stubborn anger. What can I do?

[blondegirl]

He may not be able to (totally) control his behavior but you can control your reaction to it. There is no point at all in arguing points with people who have lost the ability to think, reason and remember. My mom did this when my dad had issues and all it did was frustrate her. My Dad was oblivious and I wondered why she was wasting her time trying to change his mind about things. If your husband wants to take a personal check let him take it and let the dealership handle it - the bigger issue to me here would be whether he is still driving and how that conversation will be handled when he should not be. I once took my father to church dressed more like a beggar than anything he would have ever worn. You learn to fight your battles and  you learn what's important. Just go with the flow and enjoy the good days. They will be all you have to look back on to keep you going. If you have someone you love who was "stubborn" to begin with there's little point in arguing and you won't win. Find some time for yourself to just go scream if it makes you feel better. He likely won't be embarassed or care -you may be more concerned than he is. 

[millieshops]

I'm so sorry you're facing this.  We've been through it in my family twice in the past and are right now working our way through the problem with a third family member.

First of all, your job is to work to keep DH safe.  Nothing is more important than that.  And to allow him and you to enjoy every single experience you still can.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you're more likely to feel embarrassment for him than he is to actually feel embarrassed.  He may not be there yet, but that often is a part of the disease.  The other part is that even if he is embarrassed, he may not remember even that a few minutes after you make everything right.  Sad, but so true at some point.

Again, I empathize.  Nothing about this part of your lives is easy now.

[Mz iMac]

If the meds are not working contact his doctor ASAP!  Some drugs takes weeks to work.  Was there a time frame for the drugs to work?

Some car dealers take personal checks & almost all will take credit/debit cards.  Afterall, they have ways of checking your bank account.  Talk to the car dealership.

Do you have family nearby that can help you out.... give you a break?  If not, contact your local Social Service department & ask for Senior Services.  Plenty of Senior programs out there for people in your type of situation.

GOOD LUCK!

[3cupcakes]

All the previous posters have given wonderful suggestions & support & I hope it will help you cope w/your husband's health.

sending you a hug.  🌻

[RetRN]

You are going to need a support system. If you have family you need to sit down with everyone and have a family meeting without your husband present as a plan needs to be put in place regarding his future needs. Talking with a social worker is also something I would do. You are not going to be able to do this alone, you will burn out.

[KYToby]

I am sure this is difficult.  My grandmothe had Alzheimer's as did my great aunt.  Perhaps the greatest advice we ever received was from my great aunt in one of her moments of clarity.  She told us to never correct my grandmother when she made (someties) outrageous statements.  She told us that being corrected by one's family and friend only compounds he emottional paind and sruggle one has with Alzheimer's.  As a result, we never tried to correct my grandmother.  We just went along with whatever she said, and I thin we all felt better about it in the end.

In regards to the dealership.  You can do, as others suggested, and simply let the dealership deal with it.  It may end up being a headache in the end and only serve to rile up your husband.  Another option would be to make a call to the sales person and explain the situation.  If the dealership is unable to take the personal check, perhaps they could simply take the check from your husband while you get a bank check and then simply echange it for the personal check at the dealership without your husband knowing.  This way, everyoe is happy.

[jlkz]

@Vivian

I know what you are going through from past experiences with my parents.  So sorry for the mental and emotional pain.

As for the dealership, please call them in advance and tell them to hold the personal check for you until later.  Have the bank check in an envelope and perhaps give it to them ahead of time so that there will be no confrontation and you both can handle the paperwork together.    ( it would be a good idea to make certain what the correct amount should be first. )

Keeping things running smoothly will take a lot of forethought but you can do it.  As other posters have said:  pick your battles but it would be best to avoid them if at all possible.

One poster mentioned how here dad dressed like a beggar to go to church.  This reminded me of how my mom who was a cleanliness fanatic insisted on dressing to go to church, restaurant, Doctor, etc:   She wore the same stained skirt everywhere.  If someone stared at it, I just explained that it was her favorite and the only one she would wear nowadays.

Good Luck and remember that you cannot argue with someone who is cognitively impaired.  There is no winning...so just ignore the craziness or you will go crazy !!!!!

[Q4u]

I lost a dear friend in Feb 2015 from early onset Dementia.  She passed at only 62 years old.  If this is the onset then I send all my prayers and support.....

At this particular junction, I would propose talking to the dealership (the employee you made the deal with) and tell him/her what is going on.  I would want to close the deal but I'd also want my spouse to "save face" regarding the check.  Perhaps you and the dealership could agree to accepting the check prior to giving it to them?  Or some such agreement.

My prayers .....  

[Lucky Charm]

First of all, good for him for standing his ground on the check deal.  I used a credit card for $20K (down pymt.) even tho the limit was $5K.  Told them they lost a sale, if not.  I wanted the *sky miles* and I got them.

Just remember you're husband has an illness, no fault of his own, and it could be happening to you, instead.

You need to learn (and a support group would be good) how to deal with this.  

And don't assume it's his last new car.  Be more positive than that.