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@hyacinth003   I understand that your father liked his daughter in law.  Trust that your father put you in charge as executor.  I suspect he knew what he was doing when he drew up the papers.

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Terry Tempest Williams
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@Carmie wrote:

@hyacinth003   I am so sorry for your loss.  You don't need added stress at this time.


My older sister was once in your position for our Aunt.  Her only remaining sister made things quite complicated for everyone.


I would suggest you retain a lawyer to help you.  You might use the same one who drew up the will.


Then whenever your SIL calls, tell her it is out of your hands.  If she has concerns or questions, she should call your lawyer.  The lawyer will put her in her place rather quickly.  She could also retain a lawyer, if so, the lawyers can communicate with each other.


Just tell her the will be executed as per your father's wishes and you have retained a lawyer to see that that will happen.  Do not pay for the Mass cards or pick them up.  She ordered them, let her pay.


Normally, ALL funeral expenses go through the funeral director.  He/she makes an appointment for the priest to say Mass and he orders the Mass cards.  Everything associated with the funeral cost  is delivered to the Estate on one bill.


Your SIL jumped the gun and violated protocol....her problem, not yours. I can't imagine the funeral director will be thrilled with her actions either.


Just keep repeating, "I am sorry, all questions and concerns and bills must go through my attorney."  When he has had enough, he will write her a letter explaining that this is not her concern and he cannot cooperate or entertain her questions or requests.


Good luck.



She is not a beneficiary - my brother is.  But she rules the roost, so all goes through her.


We are having him cremated per his wishes.  I have spent a lot of time arranging things so his urn can be present for the Mass they scheduled.  So there is no funeral director.  I am TRYING to be a good sister, as it is just my brother and I.


I do not want to start lawyer issues.  They cost over $350/hour and I see no point to wasting my father's estate to deal with her BS.  I have notified and spoken to the lawyer whose firm drew up the will and revocable living trust.  I am named first on both he tells me.  That is why I checked with him before proceeding with anything.  I then called my brother, and he said he didn't care.  Later she calls and is very angry that my brother is not a first executor.  I didn't write the will and trust - my dad did!  She was all up in his business even though I offered to do it.  So she figured she (via my brother) would be able to be all in the loop.  It's all about continuing control and the flow of information.  I still think she should be relieved.



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@Group 5 minus 1 wrote:

Do you have an attorney and what were you told?

@Group 5 minus 1 


I do.  I contacted the law firm that drew up all his legal papers.  I wanted to check if we were to act as co-executors or that my name being first meant I was executor.  It is what my dad has told me for YEARS.  He brought us to a meeting with the attorney after my mother passed away in 2009 and he changed his legal papers.  Instead of my mother being the beneficiary, he changed it to equal between my brother and I.  I think for some reason she is angry I called the attorney.  She "assumed" the will named us both as executors.  I made no such assumption based on what my dad said and checked with the attorney to be proper.




He had a revocable living trust that I was named as trustee and this will.  He has made no different trusts or wills since then.  The attorney said I was sole executor and trustee.  My brother is named should I not be able or want to do it.  I want to be his daughter and carry out his wishes.  He would not want me to be impolite or nasty.  So I am going to try to stay that way.  However, I have 22 years of her annoying me!



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@Bird mama wrote:

@hyacinth003   I understand that your father liked his daughter in law.  Trust that your father put you in charge as executor.  I suspect he knew what he was doing when he drew up the papers.

@Bird mama 


He did like her even though I don't!  So I am trying to be a decent person about everything.  This is the last thing I can do for him.



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I always stayed out of my in-laws business, and that did not change when my MIL passed.   I never read her will, didn’t get involved in clearing out her house, actually haven’t set foot on the property since the day of her funeral 8 years ago.   My husband picked out what few things he wanted in the house and brought them here, which are items our daughters want someday.   My husbands share of estate money paid for his current vehicle, and he gave the rest to our daughters.     


An ex-SIL and a current one were present and accounted for with everything, until the ex learned she couldn’t get her hands on any of the money left to my BIL.   


Wishing you a peaceful heart with the loss of your dad, and an easy path with settling the estate.   

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@hyacinth003   Oh goodness, you sure have your hands full with your SIL.  


I think you just gotta be firm and tell her you will handle it per your father's wishes. She might not like it, but who cares?  Your brother has to live with her, you don't.


( I still would not pick up the Mass cards or pay for them) since she wants to do something, let her do it or assign someone else.  Not your problem.

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@hyacinth003   You have the right attitude.


My mother is the executor of her brother's estate and she has an estate checking account and a ledger that she keeps detailed notes of every expenditure with a copy of the invoice for the expenditure, if available, stapled to the cancelled check.


She does not want anyone to question a penny that was disbursed from the accounts.

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Re: Question about a Will

[ Edited ]



Greed brings out the worst in people.


As for SIL, I would tell her one time to have YOUR BROTHER call you and give you his THOUGHTS on anything HE WANTS DONE. Tell her aLL REQUESTS / suggestions must come from HIM.  If you don’t hear from HIM, do things as you see fit.


After you tell her this, I Would not answer her phone calls, or accept visits.


I am sorry for your loss, this is so unnecessary on her part.  Some people only understand rude, otherwise they walk on you.

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People seem to think that wills aren't legal contracts or something. Tell her flat out that you are following what the will says because that's the law. Period! It will be on you to account for everything if something isn't done right. Really once you open a bank account for the estate there isn't all that much damage she can do while you ignore her. I'm guessing she doesn't want to be the one calling around to cancel accounts or handling an estate sale. Who on earth is hot and bothered to handle an estate? I guess she thinks her husband can get part of the executor fee. Honestly once the mass is over I'd answer my phone no more than one a week at best.