Reply
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Question about a Will

[ Edited ]

@Mindy D wrote:

@hyacinth003 wrote:

Yes, I know to call the attorney tomorrow morning!  I had thought this a settled question, because I had been told so, but now I'm not sure.

 

My brain is bouncing all over the place, so forgive me.  My father passed away today, and I don't know what to do with myself.  It being a holiday is limiting what I can actually do.  He passed away in a hospital, so we have made those arrangements.

 

My question is (I know we're not lawyers) is about his Will.  He has been telling me for 10 years that I was the Executor.  I never thought about it until his condition has deteriorated.  I have a copy, and I am now confused as to if I am sole Executor or my brother is a Co-Executor, or what.  My brother and I won't have any problem, but I just want to do what is correct.  Relevant passage: 

 

3.1 Executor, I name as my executor the first of the following who is from time to time willing and able to act:

 

    (a)   Hyacinth, my daughter

    (b)  Hyacinth's brother, my son

 

It's no wonder you NEED lawyers when what they write isn't clear to an average person.

 

Hyacinth   Cat Sad

 


I’m no lawyer, but this seems to indicator you are coexecutors; both listed together as “first.”


 

But they're not listed together.  They are clearly listed separately, and even specified as (a) and (b).  I think it's pretty obvious that (a) is intended to be "first", and that he named his daughter as executor.

 

@hyacinth003, my deepest sympathy to you and your family.  

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,811
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@pigletsmom wrote:

Well since she doesn't seem to have bad intentions I think I'd just hope you dont' talk for a while. And not trying to be snarky but I'd take that time to think about where she's coming from. She's obviously grieving too. It sounds like she loved your Dad and he loved her. When you take her already take charge attitude and add to it that you sound a little resentful of how she felt about your Dad I think it's probably overwhelming.

 

Some people only know how to help by doing stuff and that sounds like her. Plus she's family and she probably feels like she's getting shut out and like she's an outsider. So I'd give her a bit of a break and be glad that my Dad had a daughter in law that he cared so much about. Much better than the opposite for sure.


 

The reasons I haven't told her to pound sand is because of my father.  He did care for her, and I respect that.  It never bothered me if she cared for him.  He needed people in his life who cared.  But she often went around me, which I think is wrong and inappropriate.  She blew into the hospital and challenged me and the nurse (I am an RN) about my Dad's care.  That's when I FINALLY said that though she cared for him LIKE a father, HE WAS MY FATHER.  And that there was NO WAY I would allow him to suffer for one second.  I had been there for hours, as his daughter, evaluating his care.  He was dying, and I have seen the process many times.  I tried to help her understand. And the nursing staff agreed with me.  That's when I said that - never any other time.

 

I would have welcomed some help planning his cremation and Mass.  But as soon as they found out I was sole executor, they have ignored me.  I will call my brother later today for a couple opinions regarding the services.  I asked his help in choosing the urn.  He said I don't care, pick what you want.  He has said he will pick up the urn - I hope he will.  I love my brother and WANT his input.  There are just the two of us.  Cremation has seemed more complicated than a casket funeral.  Putting together the info, procedure, and a personalized urn, all on their timeline, has been brutal for me.  I decided to try to go with what THEY ONLY scheduled.  NO ONE consulted me as his only daughter when they arranged the Mass.  I have arranged an honor guard from the USMC.  He was so proud of his service, and you have to have proof someone has served.  I have my uncle calling me twice daily to find out if I've gotten the honor guard.  Well, time pressure has been an issue.  I finally got what they needed in today.  Then the Mass people ask me about flowers - never thought of it!  So I have to figure out what to use for this type of service - cremains instead of casket.  Mass in the Catholic assisted living center where he lived.  No one has helped, only ignore.

 

I didn't write the will and trust - my Dad did.  Yes, she's family, but not like his only daughter.  So she is ticked off that my brother is not an executor like she thought.  So she doesn't get to know what's going on as far as settling the estate.  I didn't do it.  And them ignoring me is making my grieving process so much harder.

 

Hyacinth

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,811
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@NYC Susan wrote:

@Mindy D wrote:

@hyacinth003 wrote:

Yes, I know to call the attorney tomorrow morning!  I had thought this a settled question, because I had been told so, but now I'm not sure.

 

My brain is bouncing all over the place, so forgive me.  My father passed away today, and I don't know what to do with myself.  It being a holiday is limiting what I can actually do.  He passed away in a hospital, so we have made those arrangements.

 

My question is (I know we're not lawyers) is about his Will.  He has been telling me for 10 years that I was the Executor.  I never thought about it until his condition has deteriorated.  I have a copy, and I am now confused as to if I am sole Executor or my brother is a Co-Executor, or what.  My brother and I won't have any problem, but I just want to do what is correct.  Relevant passage: 

 

3.1 Executor, I name as my executor the first of the following who is from time to time willing and able to act:

 

    (a)   Hyacinth, my daughter

    (b)  Hyacinth's brother, my son

 

It's no wonder you NEED lawyers when what they write isn't clear to an average person.

 

Hyacinth   Cat Sad

 


I’m no lawyer, but this seems to indicator you are coexecutors; both listed together as “first.”


 

But they're not listed together.  They are clearly listed separately, and even specified as (a) and (b).  I think it's pretty obvious that (a) is intended to be "first", and that he named his daughter as executor.

 

@hyacinth003, my deepest sympathy to you and your family.  


@NYC Susan 

 

The attorney said I am sole executor of the will and the revocable living trust.  My brother's name is only mentioned as a back up.  If I died, was incapacitated, or unwilling/unable to do it.  My dad took us to his attorney's office after my mother passed away and had the attorney explain it to us.  My sister-in-law had a copy of the will and interpreted it otherwise.

 

Hyacinth

Honored Contributor
Posts: 31,866
Registered: ‎08-19-2010

P on her I say

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,889
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

@hyacinth003 wrote:

@NYC Susan wrote:

@Mindy D wrote:

@hyacinth003 wrote:

Yes, I know to call the attorney tomorrow morning!  I had thought this a settled question, because I had been told so, but now I'm not sure.

 

My brain is bouncing all over the place, so forgive me.  My father passed away today, and I don't know what to do with myself.  It being a holiday is limiting what I can actually do.  He passed away in a hospital, so we have made those arrangements.

 

My question is (I know we're not lawyers) is about his Will.  He has been telling me for 10 years that I was the Executor.  I never thought about it until his condition has deteriorated.  I have a copy, and I am now confused as to if I am sole Executor or my brother is a Co-Executor, or what.  My brother and I won't have any problem, but I just want to do what is correct.  Relevant passage: 

 

3.1 Executor, I name as my executor the first of the following who is from time to time willing and able to act:

 

    (a)   Hyacinth, my daughter

    (b)  Hyacinth's brother, my son

 

It's no wonder you NEED lawyers when what they write isn't clear to an average person.

 

Hyacinth   Cat Sad

 


I’m no lawyer, but this seems to indicator you are coexecutors; both listed together as “first.”


 

But they're not listed together.  They are clearly listed separately, and even specified as (a) and (b).  I think it's pretty obvious that (a) is intended to be "first", and that he named his daughter as executor.

 

@hyacinth003, my deepest sympathy to you and your family.  


@NYC Susan 

 

The attorney said I am sole executor of the will and the revocable living trust.  My brother's name is only mentioned as a back up.  If I died, was incapacitated, or unwilling/unable to do it.  My dad took us to his attorney's office after my mother passed away and had the attorney explain it to us.  My sister-in-law had a copy of the will and interpreted it otherwise.

 

Hyacinth


 

I'm not an attorney, but that's exactly what it looked like to me.

 

I am very sorry that you're having such a difficult time with your SIL.  I have a close family member who is similar to your SIL, and has made many very difficult situations a whole lot harder.  So I understand your point of view on all of this.  Shame on her for doing this to you at such a sensitive and sad time!

 

Again, my deepest sympathy.  You should be allowed to grieve before having to worry about legalities and wills and all of that.  I hope you are able to find some peace.

Super Contributor
Posts: 383
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@hyacinth003.... I'm very sorry for your loss and this chaos shouldn't be happenng to you right now.

 

  I haven't read all this thread, but I think I was in a similar situation. I was Dad's executor. I was 3rd of 4 siblings. Dad thought I was the one who would stand up to my oldest brother. Dad had strict instructions for me to follow and I gave him my word I would follow his wishes. Brother felt it was his place to run the whole "show", so to speak, since he was the oldest.

 

And sure enough, when Dad passed he came over locked and loaded. I had copies of the will made to give each person named. As soon as he mentioned getting a lawyer, I invited him to proceed. He couldn't  do anything, because I was sole executor.

 

Bottom line, I didn't give him any amunition to start an argument. Believe me, he tried. I simply wouldn't talk to him when he all mad and wanting to take control.

My sister and younger brother helped me with everything and we got it all settled according to my strict instructions from Dad.

 

A year later, since I was trying to get everything done from out of state and a 6 hour drive, we all gathered at the bank. Each person recieved their check and oldest brother left the parking lot without saying a word. No thank you, good bye, good to see you ...nothing. That was 2012.

I spoke briefly to him afterward on the phone because he wanted to see, still, another piece of documentation. I mailed it to him and haven't spoke to him since. There was never an argument amoung any of us over anything throughout the entire process because I wouldn't allow it.

 

I know how he is. I would like to see him and talk to him, but he would want to dig the whole thing up again, so maybe someday??? That day has not come along yet. I refuse to argue and fuss with him then... and I still do..

 

Simply don't talk to her, when and if, she's all angry and demanding. YOU are in control! Best wishes Heart

Still Tabbycat ~~ Less is More ~~
Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,811
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

It really has made it nearly impossible to grieve.  I am trying so hard to be inclusive of my brother and he often answers me as "do what you want."  I am not asking for help, I am asking for input and opinion on things related to the services.  My uncle has already called me requesting some pieces of my Dad's furniture.  I am not SOLE beneficiary, so my brother has to be asked also.  I am reacting to what is going on, not initiating it.

 

My sister-in-law ran over to the assisted living right away and told them to donate his clothes.  She had no right to do that without asking me, even though I am fine with it.  She and my brother scheduled the mass and bought mass cards without checking with me.  I mentioned it was to have it so she could leave the next day for Florida.  I have honored their arrangement to keep peace.

 

These are the reasons I called attorney the day after losing my dad.  I had been told something for 10 years, and she told me I was incorrect.  She asserted that my brother (her husband) was also an executor.  She's no lawyer (and neither am I), so I wanted to check with the real lawyer before doing ANYTHING.

 

An executor can request payment for being one.  I NEVER entertained doing that.  I am ready to tell them I will do it!  I believe you can ask 10% of the value of the estate. 

 

I have one daughter, so all my stuff will go to her!  No fighting.

 

Hyacinth 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 31,866
Registered: ‎08-19-2010

I'm childless and nobody will be carpetbagging our goods. LOL

waiting for us to die

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,811
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@SharkE wrote:

I'm childless and nobody will be carpetbagging our goods. LOL

waiting for us to die


You're funny!

 

Thank you for your replies and my one laugh for the day!

 

I have advised my good friend with 3 children to make a will and be so specific regarding each child.  I am even now going to make a living trust and will for our only daughter to make it as easy for her as possible.

 

She has become disabled and I am so concerned for her future.

 

Hyacinth

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,811
Registered: ‎03-12-2010

@Tabbycat wrote:

@hyacinth003.... I'm very sorry for your loss and this chaos shouldn't be happenng to you right now.

 

  I haven't read all this thread, but I think I was in a similar situation. I was Dad's executor. I was 3rd of 4 siblings. Dad thought I was the one who would stand up to my oldest brother. Dad had strict instructions for me to follow and I gave him my word I would follow his wishes. Brother felt it was his place to run the whole "show", so to speak, since he was the oldest.

 

And sure enough, when Dad passed he came over locked and loaded. I had copies of the will made to give each person named. As soon as he mentioned getting a lawyer, I invited him to proceed. He couldn't  do anything, because I was sole executor.

 

Bottom line, I didn't give him any amunition to start an argument. Believe me, he tried. I simply wouldn't talk to him when he all mad and wanting to take control.

My sister and younger brother helped me with everything and we got it all settled according to my strict instructions from Dad.

 

A year later, since I was trying to get everything done from out of state and a 6 hour drive, we all gathered at the bank. Each person recieved their check and oldest brother left the parking lot without saying a word. No thank you, good bye, good to see you ...nothing. That was 2012.

I spoke briefly to him afterward on the phone because he wanted to see, still, another piece of documentation. I mailed it to him and haven't spoke to him since. There was never an argument amoung any of us over anything throughout the entire process because I wouldn't allow it.

 

I know how he is. I would like to see him and talk to him, but he would want to dig the whole thing up again, so maybe someday??? That day has not come along yet. I refuse to argue and fuss with him then... and I still do..

 

Simply don't talk to her, when and if, she's all angry and demanding. YOU are in control! Best wishes Heart


I totally get your situation!

 

I have a great couple of tabbycats!  My latest is a little girl we named "Agnes."  At about 3 months of age, she wandered into our garage and got into my husband's car engine.  We retrieved her, checked out she didn't belong to anyone, and kept her.  She has extra toes and a sweet disposition.  Haven't had one moment of regret!

 

Hyacinth