Among Friends

[sfnative]

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@CAcableGirl2 wrote:

@sfnative  remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you.  You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future.  If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future. 

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there.   Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate.  There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

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@CAcableGirl2

Thank you so much for hitting so many nails on the head and being kind as well.  I've already had a dialog with my internist about this, as well as my ortho spine doc.

I'm honestly looking forward to that new world; just know that it's not happening tomorrow.  It will come. XXX

[sfnative]

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@LTT1 wrote:

@sfnative

WOW I am very sorry to hear about the additional stresss! I did not deal well with my dad's mental changes as he aged, but I certainly did notice them (sad). My DH demonstrates a few of the more irritable angry-type actions, but he reverts quickly back to himself. He is also able to recognize and revert when reminded. My dad surpassed this level toward the end.

I hope you have a way to get the care that you need. What you don't need is someone driving who lurches the car.

Wish someone was there for you who is able-bodied and caring. 

The fact of your little granddaughter would be heart-breaking, but what is chosen for kids is that we do the best we can out of love for them.

@CAcableGirl2

Thank you you so much for sending out a page for sfnative as I keep an eye out for updates and fear that I miss them.

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@LTT1

Hi Loves!

You've been through quite a rough patch in family matters in the last few years with illnesses and losses, but wasn't aware of your DH's behavior challenges, which sound so familiar.

On a brighter side, we had a pool party yesterday and a house full of people, with dinner following water play.  When my granddaughter arrived, she came running over to me and Opa and said, "Here's your invitation to my birthday party.  I'm going to open it up and show it to you."  Her4th  birthday party is a DC Superheroes swim party, so the invitation was jammed with color representations of all of her favorite female superheroes, which she pointed out one-by-one.  She's especially fond of Batgirl.

How are your grandchildren doing?   I trust they're not anywhere near the hurricane affected area, as I cannot recall whether they're in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area or not.

Sending lots of XXX.

[sfnative]

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@CAcableGirl2 wrote:

@sfnative  remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you.  You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future.  If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future. 

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there.   Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate.  There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

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@CAcableGirl2

I hear what you are saying, and you are right, the o/p's health must be a priority.

But, don't forget that her husband has dementia, and he isn't going to get any better, and while her safety is important, you also can't leave a person with worsening dementia alone all by themselves.

If she has to leave because he is physically abusing her, then it will be time to put HIM in a home, where there will be trained, qualified people to take care of him, and can deal with his outbursts.

That would be the only solution that would be best for the both of them.

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@Plaid Pants2@CAcableGirl2

Believe me, I would not hesitate for a second to call in the authorities.  I've been through too many PTSD episodes with my husband through the years and have warned him repeatedly that I wouldn't hesitate to call in the police if necessary, the next time I felt threatened.  He knows this, but has probably and conveniently forgotten. 

[Plaid Pants2]

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@sfnative wrote:

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@CAcableGirl2 wrote:

@sfnative  remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you.  You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future.  If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future. 

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there.   Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate.  There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

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@CAcableGirl2

I hear what you are saying, and you are right, the o/p's health must be a priority.

But, don't forget that her husband has dementia, and he isn't going to get any better, and while her safety is important, you also can't leave a person with worsening dementia alone all by themselves.

If she has to leave because he is physically abusing her, then it will be time to put HIM in a home, where there will be trained, qualified people to take care of him, and can deal with his outbursts.

That would be the only solution that would be best for the both of them.

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@Plaid Pants2@CAcableGirl2

Believe me, I would not hesitate for a second to call in the authorities.  I've been through too many PTSD episodes with my husband through the years and have warned him repeatedly that I wouldn't hesitate to call in the police if necessary, the next time I felt threatened.  He knows this, but has probably and conveniently forgotten. 

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@sfnative

People with dementia are incapable of remembering things. It's not like they willingly choose to forget things.

Their brains are slowly becoming like Swiss cheese, and it is NOT by choice they they forget things.

But I'm sure that your husband's doctor explained exactly how dementia effects the human brain.

[sfnative]

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@sfnative wrote:

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@CAcableGirl2 wrote:

@sfnative  remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you.  You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future.  If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future. 

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there.   Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate.  There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

---

@CAcableGirl2

I hear what you are saying, and you are right, the o/p's health must be a priority.

But, don't forget that her husband has dementia, and he isn't going to get any better, and while her safety is important, you also can't leave a person with worsening dementia alone all by themselves.

If she has to leave because he is physically abusing her, then it will be time to put HIM in a home, where there will be trained, qualified people to take care of him, and can deal with his outbursts.

That would be the only solution that would be best for the both of them.

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@Plaid Pants2@CAcableGirl2

Believe me, I would not hesitate for a second to call in the authorities.  I've been through too many PTSD episodes with my husband through the years and have warned him repeatedly that I wouldn't hesitate to call in the police if necessary, the next time I felt threatened.  He knows this, but has probably and conveniently forgotten. 

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@sfnative

People with dementia are incapable of remembering things. It's not like they willingly choose to forget things.

Their brains are slowly becoming like Swiss cheese, and it is NOT by choice they they forget things.

But I'm sure that your husband's doctor explained exactly how dementia effects the human brain.

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@Plaid Pants2

This is one of the huge issues here.  My husband believes himself to be in pretty much very good health.  He is an alcoholic who drank himself into Type II Diabetes, yet does nothing to control it.  And, has no productive talks with his physician whatsoever.  He denies every ailment, disease/disorder he has.  I can't imagine what his liver studies look like, but did see a CT of his brain 3 years ago and it was dreadful, which does speak to his present mental condition.

[Plaid Pants2]

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@sfnative wrote:

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@sfnative wrote:

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@CAcableGirl2 wrote:

@sfnative  remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you.  You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future.  If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future. 

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there.   Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate.  There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

---

@CAcableGirl2

I hear what you are saying, and you are right, the o/p's health must be a priority.

But, don't forget that her husband has dementia, and he isn't going to get any better, and while her safety is important, you also can't leave a person with worsening dementia alone all by themselves.

If she has to leave because he is physically abusing her, then it will be time to put HIM in a home, where there will be trained, qualified people to take care of him, and can deal with his outbursts.

That would be the only solution that would be best for the both of them.

---

@Plaid Pants2@CAcableGirl2

Believe me, I would not hesitate for a second to call in the authorities.  I've been through too many PTSD episodes with my husband through the years and have warned him repeatedly that I wouldn't hesitate to call in the police if necessary, the next time I felt threatened.  He knows this, but has probably and conveniently forgotten. 

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@sfnative

People with dementia are incapable of remembering things. It's not like they willingly choose to forget things.

Their brains are slowly becoming like Swiss cheese, and it is NOT by choice they they forget things.

But I'm sure that your husband's doctor explained exactly how dementia effects the human brain.

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@Plaid Pants2

This is one of the huge issues here.  My husband believes himself to be in pretty much very good health.  He is an alcoholic who drank himself into Type II Diabetes, yet does nothing to control it.  And, has no productive talks with his physician whatsoever.  He denies every ailment, disease/disorder he has.  I can't imagine what his liver studies look like, but did see a CT of his brain 3 years ago and it was dreadful, which does speak to his present mental condition.

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@sfnative

And that is part of the disease of dementia, to not acknowledge even being sick, because in their mind, they aren't, they genuinely don't know that they are.

There is a clip of the late Glen Campbell, where he is giving an interview, and his wife is sitting next to him, and in the interview, he says, "I have Altz.....Altz...."

His wife finishes for him. "Alzheimer's"

Glen: "Alzheimer's. It doesn't feel like I have Alzheimer's."

He didn't say that to be difficult, and he didn't "conveniently" forget that he had Alzheimer's. He genuinely didn't know that he had Alzheimer's..

[I am still oxox]

Ok now if the husband has dementia as she says how is he allowed to drive?

[Moonchilde]

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

sfnative...I am so sorry for the physical issues you are going through.  I had three back surgeries, all failures, sciatica pain in my right leg, continuing back pain and now hip pain from surgery in 2015.  I know what it is like to live with severe pain on a daily basis and the the pain medication I am prescribed doesn't do very much in relieving it.

But this post is  not about me, it is about you.  If you indeed have to have surgeries, living with a person who causes you stress and aggravation will hinder your recovery.  After surgery a person requires rest in order to heal.  When I had my surgeries if I had been living with my then husband who would beat me whenever he drank I can't imagine what would have happened to me after my surgeries.

Do you have family close to where you live?  Is there any way at all possible you can live with a family member until you are well enough to be on your own?  Your husband, from everything you have told us here on the boards doesn't have to hit you to hurt you, he just has to look at you or say terrible things to cause you misery and fear.  Have you told your doctors about him?  I can assure you they would be concerned if they knew about his abuse when they discharge you from the hospital knowing you are going home where you will be mistreated.

Do you really think he will help you when you ask for it?  Will he assist you in and out of bed or a chair when you need it?  Will he bring you a glass of water so you can take your medication?   You won't be walking on your own when you leave the hospital, you will have a walker, will he have the patience to wait for you because you  aren't walking fast enough?  Will he drive you to your doctor appointments and fold the walker and put in the car or will you have to do it yourself?

You will need tender loving care after surgery.  Please, please think very carefully about your decision to stay with him during a very critical time.  If he can be so cruel as to stare down a three year old he will have no problem being cruel to you.  You know what he is capable of, after all you have been with him a long time. 

Please forgive me if I am out of line here, I am going by your posts and what you have said about  your husband.  I am worried about you even though I don't know you.  I was married to an abuser and had the courage to divorce him after four years because I didn't want our daughter and my daughter from my first marriage to live in that kind of environment, nor did I want to die.

If you stay with him I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have a plan should his behavior be more than you can live with.  Hopefully all will go well.  Should you have the surgeries the doctors have discussed with you I will pray for success and a speedy recovery.  I wish  you all the best, you deserve it, you have suffered enough.  God Bless you.  ((((HUGS))))

There is not only that, but her husband's dementia is getting worse by the day.  And that is what is causing him to act the way that he does.

One solution to when he throws a fit, is to just leave the room.

 That's what I do when my dad gets like that.

 I refuse to put up with it, so I don't, and I just simply leave.

 It's better for both of us when I do that.

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I haven't read @sfnative's backstory, but if her husband is indeed descending into dementia at a fair pace, something she needs to be concerned about, especially when she might be physically helpless after a surgery, is physical violence.

It's common for those with Alzheimers to get physically violent - even with loved ones and even if they were not at all a violent or angry person before the dementia began.

Shouting irrationally at people - her or a grandchild - is part of that. There could be physical violence at any time.

My sister once saw my stepdad raise a hand to my mother as if he might strike her. She told him if she ever saw that again, or my mother ever showed evidence of being hit, she'd personally break a few bones for him. My mother was somewhat afraid of what might happen, but refused to do anything about it. Fortunately (?), only a few months after that she had to be hospitalized, and while she was I had him admitted to a nursing home. She was grateful.

[sfnative]

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@Moonchilde wrote:

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

sfnative...I am so sorry for the physical issues you are going through.  I had three back surgeries, all failures, sciatica pain in my right leg, continuing back pain and now hip pain from surgery in 2015.  I know what it is like to live with severe pain on a daily basis and the the pain medication I am prescribed doesn't do very much in relieving it.

But this post is  not about me, it is about you.  If you indeed have to have surgeries, living with a person who causes you stress and aggravation will hinder your recovery.  After surgery a person requires rest in order to heal.  When I had my surgeries if I had been living with my then husband who would beat me whenever he drank I can't imagine what would have happened to me after my surgeries.

Do you have family close to where you live?  Is there any way at all possible you can live with a family member until you are well enough to be on your own?  Your husband, from everything you have told us here on the boards doesn't have to hit you to hurt you, he just has to look at you or say terrible things to cause you misery and fear.  Have you told your doctors about him?  I can assure you they would be concerned if they knew about his abuse when they discharge you from the hospital knowing you are going home where you will be mistreated.

Do you really think he will help you when you ask for it?  Will he assist you in and out of bed or a chair when you need it?  Will he bring you a glass of water so you can take your medication?   You won't be walking on your own when you leave the hospital, you will have a walker, will he have the patience to wait for you because you  aren't walking fast enough?  Will he drive you to your doctor appointments and fold the walker and put in the car or will you have to do it yourself?

You will need tender loving care after surgery.  Please, please think very carefully about your decision to stay with him during a very critical time.  If he can be so cruel as to stare down a three year old he will have no problem being cruel to you.  You know what he is capable of, after all you have been with him a long time. 

Please forgive me if I am out of line here, I am going by your posts and what you have said about  your husband.  I am worried about you even though I don't know you.  I was married to an abuser and had the courage to divorce him after four years because I didn't want our daughter and my daughter from my first marriage to live in that kind of environment, nor did I want to die.

If you stay with him I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have a plan should his behavior be more than you can live with.  Hopefully all will go well.  Should you have the surgeries the doctors have discussed with you I will pray for success and a speedy recovery.  I wish  you all the best, you deserve it, you have suffered enough.  God Bless you.  ((((HUGS))))

There is not only that, but her husband's dementia is getting worse by the day.  And that is what is causing him to act the way that he does.

One solution to when he throws a fit, is to just leave the room.

 That's what I do when my dad gets like that.

 I refuse to put up with it, so I don't, and I just simply leave.

 It's better for both of us when I do that.

---

I haven't read @sfnative's backstory, but if her husband is indeed descending into dementia at a fair pace, something she needs to be concerned about, especially when she might be physically helpless after a surgery, is physical violence.

It's common for those with Alzheimers to get physically violent - even with loved ones and even if they were not at all a violent or angry person before the dementia began.

Shouting irrationally at people - her or a grandchild - is part of that. There could be physical violence at any time.

My sister once saw my stepdad raise a hand to my mother as if he might strike her. She told him if she ever saw that again, or my mother ever showed evidence of being hit, she'd personally break a few bones for him. My mother was somewhat afraid of what might happen, but refused to do anything about it. Fortunately (?), only a few months after that she had to be hospitalized, and while she was I had him admitted to a nursing home. She was grateful.

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@Moonchilde

There is no clinical diagnosis to date re dementia or Alzheimers.  He is an alcoholic with a history of PTSD and Type II Diabetes (and will be 74 in Oct.).  He had a CT scan 3 years ago due to drunken fall resulting in loss of consciousness and his brain was riddled with "white spider webs," which the E.D. doc said were indicative of his aging brain.  His temper outbreaks have increased in the last 2-3 years.

Hope this helps.

[LTT1]

@sfnative

Our DGCs are in PA and they are adorable and fun, as you know.

DD knows about DHs "lapses" which at this point are mild and may just be normal aging process.

We are in the DFW area of Texas and we are basically weatherless.. unless one calls our typical hardy heat for this area weather.

Glued to the tv because we have family and friends in the Harvey area.

I hope you will report in on your health concerns because as you must know, there are a lot of us here who feel we "know" you and we certainly do care about you.