Among Friends

[AuntG]

Some powerful words were written by @Lindsays Grandma,   I was thinking along those same lines regarding post-operative care.  Luckily @sfnative is very aware of what she faces and is not in denial about what lies ahead. For just one day, I wish her husband could live with that kind of physical pain.

[Plaid Pants2]

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

sfnative...I am so sorry for the physical issues you are going through.  I had three back surgeries, all failures, sciatica pain in my right leg, continuing back pain and now hip pain from surgery in 2015.  I know what it is like to live with severe pain on a daily basis and the the pain medication I am prescribed doesn't do very much in relieving it.

But this post is  not about me, it is about you.  If you indeed have to have surgeries, living with a person who causes you stress and aggravation will hinder your recovery.  After surgery a person requires rest in order to heal.  When I had my surgeries if I had been living with my then husband who would beat me whenever he drank I can't imagine what would have happened to me after my surgeries.

Do you have family close to where you live?  Is there any way at all possible you can live with a family member until you are well enough to be on your own?  Your husband, from everything you have told us here on the boards doesn't have to hit you to hurt you, he just has to look at you or say terrible things to cause you misery and fear.  Have you told your doctors about him?  I can assure you they would be concerned if they knew about his abuse when they discharge you from the hospital knowing you are going home where you will be mistreated.

Do you really think he will help you when you ask for it?  Will he assist you in and out of bed or a chair when you need it?  Will he bring you a glass of water so you can take your medication?   You won't be walking on your own when you leave the hospital, you will have a walker, will he have the patience to wait for you because you  aren't walking fast enough?  Will he drive you to your doctor appointments and fold the walker and put in the car or will you have to do it yourself?

You will need tender loving care after surgery.  Please, please think very carefully about your decision to stay with him during a very critical time.  If he can be so cruel as to stare down a three year old he will have no problem being cruel to you.  You know what he is capable of, after all you have been with him a long time. 

Please forgive me if I am out of line here, I am going by your posts and what you have said about  your husband.  I am worried about you even though I don't know you.  I was married to an abuser and had the courage to divorce him after four years because I didn't want our daughter and my daughter from my first marriage to live in that kind of environment, nor did I want to die.

If you stay with him I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have a plan should his behavior be more than you can live with.  Hopefully all will go well.  Should you have the surgeries the doctors have discussed with you I will pray for success and a speedy recovery.  I wish  you all the best, you deserve it, you have suffered enough.  God Bless you.  ((((HUGS))))

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There is not only that, but her husband's dementia is getting worse by the day.  And that is what is causing him to act the way that he does.

One solution to when he throws a fit, is to just leave the room.

That's what I do when my dad gets like that.

I refuse to put up with it, so I don't, and I just simply leave.

It's better for both of us when I do that.

[CAcableGirl2]

@sfnative  remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you.  You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future.  If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future. 

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there.   Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate.  There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

[LTT1]

@sfnative

WOW I am very sorry to hear about the additional stresss! I did not deal well with my dad's mental changes as he aged, but I certainly did notice them (sad). My DH demonstrates a few of the more irritable angry-type actions, but he reverts quickly back to himself. He is also able to recognize and revert when reminded. My dad surpassed this level toward the end.

I hope you have a way to get the care that you need. What you don't need is someone driving who lurches the car.

Wish someone was there for you who is able-bodied and caring. 

The fact of your little granddaughter would be heart-breaking, but what is chosen for kids is that we do the best we can out of love for them.

@CAcableGirl2

Thank you you so much for sending out a page for sfnative as I keep an eye out for updates and fear that I miss them.

[Plaid Pants2]

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@CAcableGirl2 wrote:

@sfnative  remember, the most important thing you have right now is a sound mind and others who support you and want only the best for you.  You can get through this if you just keep focused on the future.  If you have to endure him a few months until you get healthly, just be sure that he isn't affecting your recovery, and take these extra few weeks to continue to make your plans for the future. 

If it becomes a situation where your well being is in immediate danger or he becomes physically abusive, you must get out of there.   Call the authorities, tell a doctor, tell a relative, whatever it takes, you have to heal in a safe environment.

Remain strong and put your energy into healing and once you are at a point where you can safely plan your exit, don't hesitate.  There is a whole new world waiting for you out there!

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@CAcableGirl2

I hear what you are saying, and you are right, the o/p's health must be a priority.

But, don't forget that her husband has dementia, and he isn't going to get any better, and while her safety is important, you also can't leave a person with worsening dementia alone all by themselves.

If she has to leave because he is physically abusing her, then it will be time to put HIM in a home, where there will be trained, qualified people to take care of him, and can deal with his outbursts.

That would be the only solution that would be best for the both of them.

[CatLoverDogsToo]

@sfnative  I am glad to see that you posted an update. I had been worrying about your safety. 

I am so sorry for all the painful conditions you are suffering from added to the horrible stress from your abusive husband.  I had hoped you were able to get out from under his controlling behavior, but I do understand needing help with daily chores after surgeries.

In these situations it is so hard to know what to do.

I am glad your little granddaughter will have limited contact with your husband, but it must be hard to give up more time with her too.   

I will keep you in my thoughts.

[dooBdoo]

          I agree, @Lindsays Grandma's comments are perceptive, thoughtful, intuitive, and beautifully stated.   @sfnative,  Thank you for updating us.    I think you know there are many of us who think of you every day and pray for your safety, strength, health and well-being.    I hope you can feel the love and (((cyberhugs))) across the miles.   You have a good head on your shoulders and it sounds like you have a trusted support system there, locally.   I can't help but continue to worry a wee bit, but I will continue to pray for the best outcome and trust and believe things will work together for the good.    Please, take gentle care of yourself.❤️

[sfnative]

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@dooBdoo wrote:

          I agree, @Lindsays Grandma's comments are perceptive, thoughtful, intuitive, and beautifully stated.   @sfnative,  Thank you for updating us.    I think you know there are many of us who think of you every day and pray for your safety, strength, health and well-being.    I hope you can feel the love and (((cyberhugs))) across the miles.   You have a good head on your shoulders and it sounds like you have a trusted support system there, locally.   I can't help but continue to worry a wee bit, but I will continue to pray for the best outcome and trust and believe things will work together for the good.    Please, take gentle care of yourself.❤️

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@dooBdoo

I want you and everyone to know that not only do I appreciate what you've said, but how you've stated the above.

Not for a minute did I think I'd ever be in this position, but time changes people.  I'm a great one for self-examination, taking long looks at situations, evaluating until I can't evaluate any longer, meditating, thinking, praying, calming myself and generally chilling out.  I used to be quite high strung, until chronic migraines struck, which required me to take a good hard look at myself, what made me tick and what I could do to make each day a bit easier for myself.

As previously stated, physical ailments these past months have definitely placed a kink in the works.  Spent more time awake last night than asleep.  This is not good for a sound mind the following day.  In those instances, one can only hope for no flack being thrown in my direction, so I'm in "prevent mode" today.

Concerns and worries continue; however, am attempting to not get myself in too much of a dither, as I must approach this as rationally as possible under moderate to severe pain.  It's a balancing act right now.

Again, thank you and all for continued support and thanks so much for paging me.

XXX

[sfnative]

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@AuntG wrote:

Some powerful words were written by @Lindsays Grandma,   I was thinking along those same lines regarding post-operative care.  Luckily @sfnative is very aware of what she faces and is not in denial about what lies ahead. For just one day, I wish her husband could live with that kind of physical pain.

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@AuntG

Oh, my, Auntg, I do wish he could live with this pain.  His eyes just might open up a bit. XXX

[sfnative]

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@Plaid Pants2 wrote:

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

sfnative...I am so sorry for the physical issues you are going through.  I had three back surgeries, all failures, sciatica pain in my right leg, continuing back pain and now hip pain from surgery in 2015.  I know what it is like to live with severe pain on a daily basis and the the pain medication I am prescribed doesn't do very much in relieving it.

But this post is  not about me, it is about you.  If you indeed have to have surgeries, living with a person who causes you stress and aggravation will hinder your recovery.  After surgery a person requires rest in order to heal.  When I had my surgeries if I had been living with my then husband who would beat me whenever he drank I can't imagine what would have happened to me after my surgeries.

Do you have family close to where you live?  Is there any way at all possible you can live with a family member until you are well enough to be on your own?  Your husband, from everything you have told us here on the boards doesn't have to hit you to hurt you, he just has to look at you or say terrible things to cause you misery and fear.  Have you told your doctors about him?  I can assure you they would be concerned if they knew about his abuse when they discharge you from the hospital knowing you are going home where you will be mistreated.

Do you really think he will help you when you ask for it?  Will he assist you in and out of bed or a chair when you need it?  Will he bring you a glass of water so you can take your medication?   You won't be walking on your own when you leave the hospital, you will have a walker, will he have the patience to wait for you because you  aren't walking fast enough?  Will he drive you to your doctor appointments and fold the walker and put in the car or will you have to do it yourself?

You will need tender loving care after surgery.  Please, please think very carefully about your decision to stay with him during a very critical time.  If he can be so cruel as to stare down a three year old he will have no problem being cruel to you.  You know what he is capable of, after all you have been with him a long time. 

Please forgive me if I am out of line here, I am going by your posts and what you have said about  your husband.  I am worried about you even though I don't know you.  I was married to an abuser and had the courage to divorce him after four years because I didn't want our daughter and my daughter from my first marriage to live in that kind of environment, nor did I want to die.

If you stay with him I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you have a plan should his behavior be more than you can live with.  Hopefully all will go well.  Should you have the surgeries the doctors have discussed with you I will pray for success and a speedy recovery.  I wish  you all the best, you deserve it, you have suffered enough.  God Bless you.  ((((HUGS))))

---

There is not only that, but her husband's dementia is getting worse by the day.  And that is what is causing him to act the way that he does.

One solution to when he throws a fit, is to just leave the room.

That's what I do when my dad gets like that.

I refuse to put up with it, so I don't, and I just simply leave.

It's better for both of us when I do that.

---

@Plaid Pants2

You've hit the nail on the head.  I'm now doing just that.  This is a case where actions speak louder than words.  It's one of the ultimate statements one can make. 

Hope someone else out here is reading this, learning that this is indeed an option.  XXX