Re: Need to vent.......

IMW · ‎06-15-2014

Totally understand. I agree with those who advise talking to your daughter in a loving and neutral way. Don't tell her what to do, or criticize her friend just tell her how you feel and why.

Q4u · ‎03-17-2010

You know, your daughter may have been discussing with her friend how hard it is to keep her kids entertained for the entire trip, and thus the friend offered to come along with her kids. I'm just speculating of course, but being the mother of two boys and having gone camping a lot in our lives.... when "friends" could come, it was always more fun for the kids.....

*~"Never eat more than you can lift......" Miss Piggy~*

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

I would vent too. I think it was very rude.

RetRN · ‎10-01-2013

@AuntG wrote:
Do you really think it is that big of a problem? This friend will be in her own cabin, and I'd like to think she will respect your family time. At other times, the grandchildren will have friends to play with. I don't think I'd say anything and give it a whirl.

I agree.

Perkup · ‎03-09-2010

I don't think I'm as "reasonable" as some of you seem to be. I have three DDs, a DIL and one GD I raised. I would not hesitate to tell any of them how I feel at any time - they would do the same. I am so grateful that we have this kind of open and honest relationship. I'm not an actress and it would be difficult - if not impossible - for me to put on a happy face and be welcoming, etc. when I don't feel that way.

My solution would have been to talk frankly with my girl when the subject of bringing a friend came up, and tell her that she had (intentionally or not) ignored the entire reason for the trip. No matter whether she suggested the idea or whether the friend pushed her way in, I would insist that she be pushed back out. There is no way your daughter should have allowed this to go past her without talking with you first.

As for keeping the grandchildren happy with friends, please know that many of us have been put in that same situation. So they "suffer" through a week with the old folks - they won't die from it, and one day, when they are older, they will look back with warm feelings, knowing that they came from a family that found joy in being together. They won't even remember that they had to leave their friends behind for a week.

I would insist that my daughter courteously, kindly, and with full explanation, uninvite her friend, spend the week with her family, and appreciate the precious gift of love she has been given by special parents. I would also check with "reservations" and find out if the extra cabin could be cancelled. If not, I might even offer to pay for it myself, and let them rent it to someone else. I guess I'm a no nonsense gal, and I am hurting for you in this situation. If your daughter needs a vacation with friends, let them choose another week out of the 52 and go somewhere together. This was your special time and she has changed the dynamics forever. Next year who will decide to bring friends? Like Nancy Reagan advised, "JUST SAY NO".

missy1 · ‎03-10-2010

@RetRN wrote:
@AuntG wrote:
Do you really think it is that big of a problem? This friend will be in her own cabin, and I'd like to think she will respect your family time. At other times, the grandchildren will have friends to play with. I don't think I'd say anything and give it a whirl.

I agree.

You can say this to the op to make her feel better. But would you like this arrangement? Now they have to plan things around non-family, censor what they say around dd friends. When it's just family, it's way different. How close is the op to dd friends? The dd should have asked op first.

dex · ‎03-09-2010

@Annabellethecat66 I agree that it is hard as we age to realize we haven't kept our vim and vigor and the worst part is that those who love us see it too.I hate to feel that I will need the help of my son for anything when I have slways been the one able to make everything happen.I just love your attitude and I am working towards developing one like it.Thanks for all of your insight.

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

@KingstonsMom wrote:
@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@nanny24 wrote:
Okay, here's the story....every 2-3 years, we take a family vacation with our kids and grandkids. We choose a destination that we all agree on and rent a cabin/condo etc at least a year in advance. This year we are going to the mountains to fish, canoe, ride horses, etc. We are not rich, and we save to go on these vacations, and I have been looking forward to the time spent with family. Last week, my daughter told me that she was talking with her friend, telling her about the trip, and the friend decided to come along and vacation with us. They will have their own cabin, but will spend a good chunk of time with us. I don't know if my daughter invited them, or they horned in on their own. When my daughter told me, I wanted to cry. To me, this is FAMILY time. I do not want to drive 300 miles to spend time with her friend, and I know my daughter will want to spend time with them, as their kids are the same ages. I know there is no answer to this, I just needed to vent. If I tell daughter how I feel, I will be the 'bad guy'.
@nanny24....I do not think I would be happy....this is/was a family vacation. Adding another family changes the dynamics of the group. Possibly your daughter thinks this will be fun for her kids, they will have someone to play with. Personally she should have talked to you first before including her friend.

I am facing a similar situation, not family related but friends...one friend continues to include her dil to events that used to be just us girls...now the dil, wants to include her daugher! What happened to just us girls? I don't have children of my own and really don't appreciate having a teenager tagging along on a girls day out.......and if I say anything I would be the bad person as well.....

@Mom2Dogs

I can relate. My DD and I always get together for lunch/shopping 1 day a week on her day off, which usually coincides with my friend's day off.

My friend wanted to join us all the time, which would've taken away from our Mom/DD experience, so I finally had to tell her that that day was a special bonding day for us and she understood.

@KingstonsMom How nice for you and your daughter, I hope your friend understood.

In my situation everyone is family except me.... I feel like the odd man out. I would not say anything about it becuase I know it would cause hard feelings, this lastest outing has me pretty irked, and I have not decided what to do. It's not like I don't like the young girl, I do, but I want all adults, no kids for a girls day....

reiki604 · ‎03-09-2010

Your daughter has no way of knowing how you feel unless you tell her.too often we expect other people to know how we feel and to feel the same way we do. But unless you communicate your feelings, there is no wY for anyone else to know. I bet your daughter doesn't realize how upset you are and would not have asked her friend if she knew that it would upset you.

'I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man'.......Unknown

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@nanny24 wrote:
Okay, here's the story....every 2-3 years, we take a family vacation with our kids and grandkids. We choose a destination that we all agree on and rent a cabin/condo etc at least a year in advance. This year we are going to the mountains to fish, canoe, ride horses, etc. We are not rich, and we save to go on these vacations, and I have been looking forward to the time spent with family. Last week, my daughter told me that she was talking with her friend, telling her about the trip, and the friend decided to come along and vacation with us. They will have their own cabin, but will spend a good chunk of time with us. I don't know if my daughter invited them, or they horned in on their own. When my daughter told me, I wanted to cry. To me, this is FAMILY time. I do not want to drive 300 miles to spend time with her friend, and I know my daughter will want to spend time with them, as their kids are the same ages. I know there is no answer to this, I just needed to vent. If I tell daughter how I feel, I will be the 'bad guy'.

@nanny24

A few things come to mind here .... first, why do you think there's no solution? If nothing else, I think you should politely tell your daughter that, before she invites anyone along again to a family event, that woul she please run it by you first. Although you don't say how many adults total we're talking about, it's possible someone else might not want "strangers" coming along, either.

Also ... are you the person who does most of the coordination for the reservations and planning? If so, I think it's possible your daughter thinks you've got too-tight reins on the planning. Not saying you're being a "control freak" here, but you get the idea.

Lastly, do a reality check, for your own peace of mind. Call each of the adults attending and ask if they mind this person tagging along. Your intention should be to guage their comfort level. Listen to their POV. Maybe they will like the idea of the grandkids having brought friends to keep them occupied. If the grandkids are teenagers, you definitely need to start adding "friends" to the headcount.

I would certainly be gracious and flexible about it, but if this is supposed to be just "family" you need to anticipate that adjustments might need to be made in the future.

Have fun on your trip!!