Among Friends

[cbrite]

@BornToShop Thanks for the updates... I am literally sick to my stomach still over reading this... I cannot imagine what your sister is nor will be going through ahead, for a very long time. The shock, her age, the secrets and deepest betrayal.... It'll make trusting anyone at this point now almost impossible. Again, I am thinking of her and her journey.

[CAcableGirl2]

@BornToShop  I would suggest NOT trying to go out and date at this time.  There are lots of good people actually looking for a partner on those sites, but there are LOTS and LOTS of creeps and those looking to deceive and steal from others on those sites.  She is vulnerable at this point, not knowing who to trust so if she was my sister, I would steer her clear of any dating for awhile.  At least until she gets the divorced handled, gets on her feet, and gains some confidence back.

My niece has a neighbor who's husband passed away and left her with a nice amount of money to take care of herself.  Before you know it, some scumbag has moved in, used her money to buy some sports car, alienate her from her children, spending her money like water, and what we believe is now starting to physically abuse her.  They have tried to intervene, but he keeps her alienated from everyone.

Please, please take care of your sister and tell her to take her time, this will be a long process, and she wants to come out of it with a strong mind, strong finances and ready to start a new life on her terms. 

[BornToShop]

Thank you @CAcableGirl2.  I am “mama bear” when it come to my sis!  Our entire family is rallying for her.  Family is the best team she could ever have & she is surrounded with love & support from all of us.  I won’t let her jump into dating via online venues, etc.  She wants to feel others are out there & to feel wanted.  She is actively seeking therapy.  Thank you for responding!  

[Mom2Dogs]

@BornToShop...so very sorry for your sister, I cannot even imagine what she is dealing with....lots of emotions...

Years ago I listened to a radio DJ she was a psychologist ...her dating rule was one year....no dating-alone with a guy for at least one year...or if you were going to go out, it should be in a group.   

[NYC Susan]

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wrote:

@cbrite, thank you for your concern & inquiry!  Good news he cannot touch her 401k, but what she is currently going through is depression, not knowing why she was blindsided.  A friend of hers suggested Match.com, a dating website.  She also was recommended to hire a Private Investigator to get closure as to the “why” factor.  I am not so sure if finding out the real deal will help her or if she should just close that book & move on.  Needless to say, she still has a long journey of healing ahead of her.  

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JMO, but Match.com is a terrible idea at this point, for many reasons.  The last thing she needs is to be dating now, or anything else that will complicate matters emotionally, financially, or legally.  

I also would advise against a private investigator.  If she's trying to preserve her assets, it doesn't seem a good use of money.  PI's don't come cheap, and it's unlikely to give her closure anyway.  

I'm sure she's talking to family and friends who are well-meaning, but she really needs to protect herself and not take advice just randomly from whoever offers it.  A good lawyer and a therapist she feels comfortable with are the best people for her right now.

[NYC Susan]

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wrote:

i would sell the house if that is were they were living. I would try and find out what he is up to. If I were her could use it agsaint him in court. 

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She can't just sell the house.  If they owned it together, it belongs to him too, whether she's happy about that or not.  Her attorney will tell her what she can and cannot do.  Being impulsive and vengeful could easily end up making the situation far worse.

[kcladyz]

If she cashed it in he can still get it. It changes nothing but she will need to get maybe advice from a good lawyer and/or finiance expert.  Its obvious he cheated and how he left her I am thinking she has a good chance  at keeping most of it. Being married that long I am guessing she is intitled to 50% to his 401k as well so maybe they can reach an agreement to not touch eachothers 401k

[kcladyz]

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wrote:

@BornToShop My Dad virtually did the same thing, but he divorced us kids too, his new wife, wanted nothing to do with us, which was fine with us as we wanted nbothing to do with her, anyway tell your sister to get a good lawyer!  My BIL did it to my sister too, and he was living in a virtual mansion with this girlfriend, and not giving my sister a penny, she had trouble buying groceries after paying all the bills on her own, without a lawyer, her husband would have gone on leaving her virtually penniless, they are not cheap though so I will forewarn you, but he sounds like a SOB that feels he is entitled and I would not be surprised if he goes after everything he can get, I know my BIL did and me made over $250,000 a year, but he did not want to even pay child support!  BTW, I will pray for your sister, and I am truly sorry that this happened to her!

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I can relate. When my dad remarried some 25 years ago he cut me off. I have not seen my dad in over 20 years.  I would call and she would inercept my calls and not let me talk to my dad at all.  He himself would not willingly call me ither. I think he may be dead now or close to it and there is nothing I can do.  Somehow they also made me out to be the bad person and it is somehow my choise that i do not see my dad.  Lets see.... I spent over 20 years alone on thanksgiving and christmas with not one invite.

[NYC Susan]

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wrote:

How could something like this be going on and no one know? There surely had to be SOME clues......

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I know a man who was blindsided like this.  He and his wife were close, longtime friends of ours.  We moved next door to them, and saw them all the time. 

One day he went out for a run and came back to find a note that she was leaving him.  We had spent the previous evening with them, and everything seemed to be the same as always.  Laughing, joking, she was very affectionate towards him as usual, etc.   The next morning they were intimate (initiated by her), and afterwards he went for a run, and came home to find the note.

He was crushed, and we talked the whole thing to death, trying to figure out when her feelings changed, what had happened, how none of us in our large circle of friends had ever noticed or heard her express any discontent with him or their marriage.  She & I confided in each other all the time, and I had no idea this was her plan. 

He moved on, btw, but it took a long time.  He has been happily married for years to someone we all love.  So happy endings are certainly possible!  But yes, unfortunately, it can happen with no clues at all.

[AuntG]

It seems to me that it was mentioned that they rent.  I was happy to read @BornToShop 's sister found a good attorney. Now I hope she can deal with her depression and come out of this better than before.