Among Friends

[Desertdi]

@White Picket Fence      I don't mean to sound crass, but your main concern should be an equitable distribution of assets.     

[jannabelle1]

You have to do what's right for you, but I don't think it's ever too late for divorce when you're in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. I did it and yes, it was hard, but it needed to be done and over with. I was never happier until I did. As for driving, you can get your license and learn to drive and feel comfortable doing so close to home - to the grocery store, etc.

You are fortunate you have a daughter who will be there for you, and I bet she understands more than what you think. Move out, find a safe place until you can get back into your little house. Don't let being a victim of abuse become your way of life any longer. Reach out for the peace and safety you need and go for it!

Your husband is not going to change...

Best of luck to you. You can do it!

[paixmcdao]

You have been in an abusive relationship for thirteen years, and he is the one with the problem, not you. You do not need to get a driver's license before proceeding with legal issues, and starting a new life. Please consult with your physician, for help getting to a healthy place, both medically and psychologically. Anxiety can be treated! It is great that you have consulted with an attorney, and that your daughter will be there to support you.. 

[spumoni99]

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@BoopOMatic wrote:

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@White Picket Fence wrote:

BoopOMatic

Yes, I have told him and begged him for years. He gets mad and then I get the silent treatment. I have told him all of my feelings, asked him why he even married me since he wants his own room and stays upstairs all the time. He has no answer. And no, he will not get help. Besides, he will never change. He has been this way for 22 years. He seems to not even have any idea what love it. No empathy. I'm the opposite of him in just about every way. He is just in his own world. I'm invisable and have said this. Thanks for responding. <3

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 Maybe your unhappiness comes from the futility of trying to change him?

 He sounds very introverted.

 Could you just accept his loner personality and allow him the seclusion he needs while you become more independent emotionally?

 Maybe he feels burdened down with your neediness and dependence, and resents it?

 Maybe if you got your driver's license and made your own friends, you wouldn't be so dependent on him and your would have your own happiness?

 Divorce is a big step, I'd try every avenue before even considering it.

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She stated he has yelled and screamed at her from day one, there is no excuse for that and it is not her fault!   Divorce may be a big step but living every day being screamed at is unthinkable.

[Tadaki]

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@Janey2 wrote:

@White Picket Fence you state that you are afraid of being alone, it sounds as if you are already alone.

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@Janey2 @White Picket Fence I was so depressed I went to a therapist.  She asked me why I didn't leave and I said I would be alone.  And she said aren't you alone already.  That was an eye opener for me because yes, I was already alone.  

Also, the idea of a divorce was overwhelming.  That's where I learned to take one step at a time.  There was a nearby university and the therapist suggested going to hear a speaker.  Believe it or not, just going to hear someone speak about it was a big deal for me, but that was my first step.  

[FancyPhillyshopper]

I cannot begin to understand others' relationships, but I am a very strong and independent person, and my husband is the same way.  Our marriage is a partnership--we may not always agree on certain topics, but in the end we work things out.  One thing I do think is that couples need to analyze what each person does for the good and the bad of the relationship, not just try to cast blame.

Here are issues I see in your posts that raise flags:

Why would you even marry someone if you say he screamed from day one? It sounds like your relationship had problems from the beginning.

Why did you say to him, "why did you even marry me?"  Did he alone make the decision?  Did you never love each other?

Second marriages are much less successful than first marriages--almost 60% end in divorce. Was your relationship that produced your daughter also a marriage that ended in divorce? Have you talked with a marriage counselor or therapist about the challenges you have had with relationships?

What does it mean when you say you never had any kind of "married" life with this second husband?

Have you ever had medical treatment for your anxiety and was it successful?

Do you think he is also as sad and depressed as you are--and is the main cause the relationship--or other life stress issues (retiring, bad health, pets dying, etc.).

Did he want all those pets as well and does he also care for them? Yes, caring for ill pets is extremely traumatic, but we all go through that because we love them so much, and never want to lose them.

Having separate rooms is also not a big deal necessarily--do you eat together, go out together, etc.?

Not driving is the least concern of everything in life. 

Finally, I would be very cautious about putting too much responsibility on your daughter.  I am sure she would be willing to help, but it is not her role in life to solve all your personal problems.  Putting her in the middle could be quite awkward.

Yes, if both of you are so severely unhappy, it may be time to separate. You may also end up having a very acrimonious divorce process, but hopefully in the end life will be better for both of you if you can look positively to the future.

[ECBG]

So very sorry this has happened to you.  Please call your doctor and get the name of several good counselors you can sit and talk to.

Please let us know how you are doing.

[speedy girl]

I consider 66 still young and you have many years ahead so making this change for yourself now will certainly add life to your years. I wish you the very best with your decisions and know you will do what is best for you. 

And I agree with the advice to keep in touch with your Doctor, you can be helped for the anxiety. Even a phone call to your Doctor if you can't get there in person. Take Care. 

[ThinkingOutLoud]

Sorry you've been strugging in various ways.

A few things - 

First, we're only getting one side of the story which needs to be taken into consideration with what was shared.

Second, it sounds like your depression is talking. When a person is not at their best mentally/emotionally, everything seems worse than it is and they don't see things clearly. You need to take care of your depression before making any life altering decisions.

Third, you married him for a reason, remind yourself what that was and focus more on that. "What you feed, grows."

[Tinkrbl44]

@White Picket Fence 

I'm sorry you are facing all this, but it's very likely a blessing in disguise.    Sounds to me like you've already lived through worse things than separating from an emotionally abusive husband who doesn't seem to want to be married to you.   Someone who didn't know you might ask what the heck are you waiting for?  

Years ago I was facillitating divorce support groups and met an 80 year old woman who had filed for divorce.  Yes, she did it right after her 80th birthday!  Turns out she had spent too many miserable years with that man, and she had no intention of being buried next to him for eternity.  She didn't trust her adult children to heed her wishes for cremation, and that was the sticking point.  So, she got divorced and had a pretty active and carefree life afterwards.

Keep this in mind:  NOTHING in single life is as bad as a bad marriage.  Seriously.  If you're married and lonely, you are somewhat limited.  If you're single and lonely, you have a lot more choices with the actions you can take.  

You've gotten good information here .... Develop a plan and a support system.  See a therapist, see what needs more thought from an attorney, and start slowly getting ready, one step at a time.

(As I was typing this and saying develop a plan I mentally saw the training scene in Rocky with him running up the stairs, training for all he was worth. You can be getting yourself ready, a little at a time).

Also, consider this:  every year, more and more people live to be 100 years old, or older.  If you could see into that hypothetically foolproof crystal ball and see you lived to 100 ....that means you have 34 more years before you pass.  Do you REALLY want to stay married to this man if you've got that many years left?   Let that sink in for a minute.

Obviously, none of us knows how many years we have, but I can see you have advantages many women don't have; things that will ease the way for you.

Will you be happier or less lonely?  That depends on the decisions and actions you take.  One thing I can guarantee you and that is that your life will be DIFFERENT.   So what?  From what I can see in your comments, I think "different" would be a good thing for you.  

As I said before .... nothing in single life is as bad as a bad marriage.   Everything you'd be giving up seems to be things that make you unhappy.  

Sending you a hug   ....  if you decide you really want to change your life, you CAN do it.  You have what it takes and anything you don't have worked out, someone can give you ideas or direct you to someone who might know.  You don't need to knw everything ... just how to find someone who knows the answers or can give you the right questions to consider.  One step at a time. 

Hugs