Among Friends

[Winkk]

Did you hear about the guy who's driver's license said he had to wear glasses when driving?  Well, the sheriff stopped him and said "you are going to jail for driving without your glasses".  The guy said "but sheriff I have contacts". 

The sheriff said "I don't care who you know, you're still going to jail".  

[Perkup]

Then there was the one about the little Chicago hit man who had to give up his job, because every time he tried to blow up a car he burned his mouth on the tailpipe.

[denisemb]

If I think of some clean ones, I'll get back to you.

[Winkk]

Two hats on a hat rack, one says to the other "you go on a head".

[Lyttlewyng]

A man received a parrot for
 his birthday. The parrot was fully grown,
with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that
 weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude
and was constantly saying polite words, playing
soft music, anything he could think of to try and
set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back.

He shook the bird and the bird just got more
angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, 
the man put the parrot in the freezer.
 For a few moments he heard the bird squawk
 and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was
 quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. 
The man was frightened 
that he might have hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door.

 The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's
extended arm and said, "I believe I may have
offended you with my rude language and actions.
 I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.
I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
The man was astonished at the bird's change
in attitude and was about to ask what had made
 such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

[hckynutjohn]

Not any I could type here.

hckynut(john)

[cookinfreak]

A priest, a nun and a Rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What is this?  A joke?"

A snail was attacked by a herd of turtles.  The cops questioned him and asked "What happened?"  The snail said "I don't know.  Everything happened so fast"

cookin