Among Friends

[game-on]

I have a saying.... I dont do guilt....

This was not something you did on purpose.... so your sibling can choose to forgive you or not.

We are human.   We do the best we can.  (((Hugs)))

[Etoile308]

I don't think you were being a hypocrite. You took your brother at his word that he would spread the news. But once you found out one family member didn't know, I think the best thing would have been to direct all questions to your brother. After all it was his story to tell. I probably would have called my brother to tell him about your nephew did not knowi and you were caught off guard. I too, have a very large family with a siblings spread out and not always in contact with one another. When something comes up I tell them to talk the sibling directly. I'm not their matriarch and I'm not their conduit, and I'm not getting in the middle of it.

[x Hedge]

I'm not going to give you that free pass other posters are handing out.

Your brother trusted you with the basic facts of a situation that affects his life personally, intimately.

He wisely chose to give you no details.

You were 100% correct when you said it was HIS story to tell. 

May I add, on HIS timetable.

7 months or 7 years from now, doesn’t matter.

They may reconcile their differences at some point in the future and agree never to speak of it.

Oh, no! Too late for that. The whole fam knows just enough by now to make that impossible.

As I read your post, you professed to your brother your "profound respect" for his privacy.

I gather you then broke his trust, apologized, and then did it again!

No, no free pass. 

[JaneMarple]

Do not feel guilty @Shiloh09 the news would have gotten out anyway because your brother's estranged wife's absence at family functions would be all too noticeable.

[santorini]

When a sibling acted confused and asked why the wife wasn't attending, I would have just said, "you're going to have to talk to [Joe] about that because I'm not sure."   Don't beat yourself up about it, though.  The original brother should have come back to you and confessed that you were the only one he ended up telling.

[AuntG]

You wrote about this in an easy to follow manner.  I would have thought he would have told the rest of the family by now.  If he chose not to do what he said he would do, don't feel bad about what you said.

[KathyPet]

YOur brother said that he was going to tell your other siblings the news about his separation and then failed to do so.  The onus for that is on him.  HOWEVER! When you were asked directly by other relatives why his wife was not coming to a family event it should have been obvious to you that he had not shared this information with the rest of the family as he said he would and you should not have "spilled the beans".  YOur answer should have been that you were not sure why she was not coming and that the person asking should be calling your brother directly for a explanation.  It was not up to you to "pass along" the information about their separation.  

[qbetzforreal]

You broke your brother's trust.  We cannot assume that people will follow through.  Once the nephew looked quizzical, that was the time to zip it.  Sharing that wife won't be attending the family function took it to the gossip arena because sometimes separated people still come to family functions.  Instead of texting your brother your sorries.  You need to talk to him in person and apologize.

[occasionalrain]

Your brother apparently meant to tell the others at the time he told you and, perhaps after speaking with his wife, decided against it. 

You promised him to keep what he told you confidential and you betrayed that confidence. It's unlikely he will ever trust you again, I wouldn't.

[hckynut]

---

@Shiloh09 wrote:

I will warn you this may be confusing. I am part of a large family...6 brothers and a sister spread out across the country. One of my brothers called me in March or April to let me know he and his wife were living apart. He did not go into details but said that he wanted to call each one of the siblings to share. I told him that it was his story to tell. He is very low key and never seeks attention.

About 4 weeks ago one of my nephews(different sibling) asked "how is uncle______?" I told him that he was living at the beach house and was doing fine under the circumstances. My nephew looked puzzled. Clearly he did not know. So I just said my brother was separated from his wife. I didn't really think much of it at the time and figured the nieces and nephews had not all been told.

In the last two weeks, i have talked to two of my other siblings. In the first case I inadvertently mentioned that _______'s wife would not be attending an upcoming family function later this month. When he asked me why, I was stunned. I fumbled over my words and finally said the two were living apart and said I was sure ______would be calling him. I texted ______to let him know about the conversation and apologized for spilling the beans, but it really was inadvertent.

Finally one of my other brothers called me late last week and point blank asked why _______'s wife was not attending this upcoming family function. Again, I was a bit irritated that  aLL the siblings had not been told (as the situation began in January) and I was put into an awkward situation. Again I just said the two were living apart. I meant to call/text ______ about spilling the beans but failed to until last night.

He is angry with me that I shared his story with family members after I had professed my profound respect for his privacy.

I feel horrible about this...I feel like a hypocrite, and now ______ thinks I am a gossip and untrustworthy. I don't want to talk to any other sibling about this and prefer t h e anonymity of this forum.I am now anxious and scared about facing him at the big family function. I was awake (and crying) about all this.

My family is the most important thing i have and I fully understand _______'s anger. I accept responsibility and have apologized. Should I have expected that after 7 months, my brother would have told all of his  siblings? I feel awful.

---