Among Friends

[Shiloh09]

I will warn you this may be confusing. I am part of a large family...6 brothers and a sister spread out across the country. One of my brothers called me in March or April to let me know he and his wife were living apart. He did not go into details but said that he wanted to call each one of the siblings to share. I told him that it was his story to tell. He is very low key and never seeks attention. About 4 weeks ago one of my nephews(different sibling) asked "how is uncle______?" I told him that he was living at the beach house and was doing fine under the circumstances. My nephew looked puzzled. Clearly he did not know. So I just said my brother was separated from his wife. I didn't really think much of it at the time and figured the nieces and nephews had not all been told. In the last two weeks, i have talked to two of my other siblings. In the first case I inadvertently mentioned that _______'s wife would not be attending an upcoming family function later this month. When he asked me why, I was stunned. I fumbled over my words and finally said the two were living apart and said I was sure ______would be calling him. I texted ______to let him know about the conversation and apologized for spilling the beans, but it really was inadvertent. Finally one of my other brothers called me late last week and point blank asked why _______'s wife was not attending this upcoming family function. Again, I was a bit irritated that  aLL the siblings had not been told (as the situation began in January) and I was put into an awkward situation. Again I just said the two were living apart. I meant to call/text ______ about spilling the beans but failed to until last night. He is angry with me that I shared his story with family members after I had professed my profound respect for his privacy.

I feel horrible about this...I feel like a hypocrite, and now ______ thinks I am a gossip and untrustworthy. I don't want to talk to any other sibling about this and prefer t h e anonymity of this forum.I am now anxious and scared about facing him at the big family function. I was awake (and crying) about all this. My family is the most important thing i have and I fully understand _______'s anger. I accept responsibility and have apologized. Should I have expected that after 7 months, my brother would have told all of his  siblings? I feel awful.

[Desertdi]

It's your brother's fault -- NOT YOURS

[nana59]

It's been seven months since he told you--and no one else?!  It's NOT your fault....

[LTT1]

@Shiloh09

I agree with @Desertdi.

My favorite go-to phrase I use in my head when someone else is making me feel guilty for THEIR problems is this:

"It is THEIRS to own." Their anger, their tantrum, their consequences of THEIR actions.

[happycat]

Try not to beat yourself up. Your brother had told you he was going to be letting all the siblings know, and I would have figured it was safe to think he had, since it had been several months. You were acting out of the knowledge that you had at the time. Your brother needs to sit back and think about this, and the manner in which the events unfolded. I don't think think you were trying to cause trouble at all.

Family affairs sure can end up to be hot messes, when it was never our intent. I know from experience.

I hope everything works out.

[Fressa]

The fault lies with him. He stated that he would inform the others and he did not. If he had no intention of sharing that information than it was wrong for him to burden you with it as well. Ease up on yourself. You did nothing wrong. Do not fret over family functions. He is an adult and can deal with his own "stuff". Enough time has past and you need to calm yourself and not worry about the other "stuff" created by him.  

[on the bay]

I feel for you because I think this happens a lot with family and friends and you obviously were put on the spot by relatives who you thought would have been told.

You don't sound at all like you wanted to gossip or intrude on your brother's privacy.

Sometimes a close family member will ask me how so and so is doing? Most of the time, I say well you can always call and ask yourself because I don't feel comfortable updating them on everything. Other times I just try to give the minimum that the other person wouldn't mind me sharing.

But I really do think that close family members should ask or call the person themselves if they want to know how they are and also that its that other persons story to tell. You shouldn't have to feel that you are the news bearer for all in the family. Thats not fair to you. 

I would probably tell your brother that you only told them based on what he told you-that he was telling all his siblings. And I would say I was sorry but it really isn't your fault. Perhaps he really only felt comfortable sharing with you and also hoped by telling you he would tell the others that he was really telling you, you don't have to say anything because he was going to but really not wanting to tell them at all! 

(and I know that sounds confusing but you will probably understand cause I totally understood your post

Its always kind of upsetting but just think well, I'll start over again from here.(and know not to be put in that kind of situation hopefully again.)

[Imaoldhippie]

Your brother is at fault not you.  If any other of your family calls you and ask whats going on, tell them to call their brother.  Dont feel guilty and when others want to discuss it with you tell them they will have to talk to their brother for the correct details.  If your brother does not want to talk to you thats his mistake, its hurts, I know from experience.

[wildcat fan]

If I were you, I wouldn't worry about attending future family functions.  However, you may want to think about topics for discussion that may bring about awkward conversation and avoid initiating them.  You mention a phone conversation with a sibling during which you said your brother's wife won't be attending a function.  A statement like that, even if said inadvertently, invites gossip.  IMO it's best not to bring it up, as you said it's your brother's story to tell.  Best of luck to you.

[chrystaltree]

Well, you did break his confidence after you told him you keep it.  He said he would tell the family and you believed that and acted accordingly.  In hind sight, you should not have mentioned the separation until you were positive that he told the family and that everyone knew.  Also, it was not your place to tell someone that your brother's wife would not be attending a family function.  I think you owe your brother an explanation and an apology.  Couples separate and sometimes they reconcile or live apart for a time but remain connected.  They want to keep it private and it's possible that after speaking with you, your brother decided that he would not tell the family.  Just be honest with him and apologize and remind him that he did say that he was going to tell the family and you assumed he did.  You can't do more than that.