Husband dealing with a difficult situation... - Page 5

Lindsays Grandma · ‎03-10-2010

Please correct me if I missed something...I did not see anything in her post that said her husband won't talk to her. She said her piece and now leave him be...really??????

@Plaid Pants2 wrote:
Maybe the man just doesn't want to talk.

Don't force him to do something that he doesn't want to do, or isn't ready to do.

If/when he does want to talk, he knows that you are there.

You have said your piece, now leave him be.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam

Lindsays Grandma · ‎03-10-2010

momtodogs, please ignore the nay Sayers . Not one of them knows what they would do if they were in the same position as you. It is so easy to tell others how they should act and what to do, put each one of the nay Sayers in the same position as you and each one will act differently. God Bless you for standing by your husband in helping your stepdaughter find safet

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@Plaid Pants2, I will say it ONE MORE TIME, I am NOT HARPING ON HIM!

y from whatever position she was in.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam

Lindsays Grandma · ‎03-10-2010

Thanks for the nice post, she is being beat up and needs all the kind words we can give her.

@goldensrbest wrote:
The thing is it involves you also,so yes speak up .

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam

Lindsays Grandma · ‎03-10-2010

momtodogs, I am on your side, you have done nothing wrong. The people here are not psychologists so their opinions

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
@CelticCrafterResentful, yes! Just because she is my step daughter does not mean I don't or can't have an opinion.

We both spent 3 days in a hot, dirty apartment, packing her belongings, and then we had to transport everything to a storage unit.... If I had not vented on the situation at the time that would have been very odd!!

It was no picnic and as one poster said we would laugh about this some day, that will not happen.

This daughter lived with us during a portion of her teen years, mom gave up for several years...we weathered that storm and we will get thru this.

most certainly are not valid. You needn't defend yourself to anyone on the boards, ever. I can appreciate what you are going through since there were issues in my lifetime that were critical. I hope now that this event is over things will go back to being normal and you and your husband can rest and put this all behind you. I also hope the stepdaughter gets her life together so you and your husband don't have to rescue her again.

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

@Lindsays Grandma wrote:
Happycat101...What a nice sensible post. She has every right to say what she feels and if her husband doesn't want to respond so be it. I know if it
@happycat wrote:
In my opinion, you are certainly not wrong to vent to him and tell him how you are feeling. This is obviously a difficult situation your family is going thru, it would be very hard to me to keep quiet. I hope he doesn't expect you to keep quiet.

I vent to my husband, and vice versa. When he is upset about something at his job or whatever, I want him to talk to me and tell me what is going on. I vent to him also, it makes me feel better to get it all out in the open.

I would explode if I never got to vent.
I hope things get better for you and your family soon. And I hope your daughter gets all the help it sounds like she might be needing.
Take care @Mom2Dogs

were me doing what she was doing I would be voicing my feelings whether my husband liked it or not!!

The OP specifically asked, "...is it wrong for me to vent outloud to him about how I am feeling? I would feel better if he would talk about what he was thinking."

So, 1) She asked for posters' opinions (based upon vague information). She can either listen to others' opinions or argue with them. 2) "I would feel better if..." to me, says volumes. The OP needs to be honest and ask herself whether this is about her need to voice her opinion about the situation and step-daughter, and express her "resentment" (as the OP stated in another Reply) to her husband. When expressing her feelings to her husband, she will undoubtedly cause her husband to feel worse and probably create more friction between the two of them, especially since expressing her feeling would most likely involve judgment about his daughter. He knows what's going on -- he doesn't need anyone to "bring it to his attention". Does the OP want this?

People have different ways of coping and the OP should not expect her husband to cope in the same way she does. While the OP may not feel she is haranguing her husband, it's possible he may feel harangued because their personalities and ways of coping appear to be so different. One has to look at it from his perspective too.

This difficult situation involves his daughter. I would tread lightly and just be there to support and listen to her husband. OTOH, if the situation requires that important decisions be made that involve both the OP and her husband, then it would be necessary to have a discussion.

Isobel Archer · ‎04-04-2015

As to decisions being made involving both of them, I think spending three days of physical work in a hot apartment already qualifies.

It seems the real problem may be that husband is willing to do whatever for his daughter and maybe OP thinks he ought to confront her. If he's 76, the daughter probably isn't a kid. Why wasn't she working in the hot apartment to remove her stuff? How did she get in this "crisis" situation? I'm not asking for any answers here, but I can definitely feel OP's frustration. It sounds like this is not the first time daughter has put them in this position.

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

OP, I wonder if H feels like he has to choose between HIS daughter and his wife? Don't put yourself there. It's HIS daughter. Stop venting at him. Support him, love him. Be loving, compassionate. Vent to a trusted friend or therapist.

GSPgirl · ‎01-03-2012

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
My step daughter had a crisis this last week, her dad and I were left to clean up her apartment, pack and store her things....It was a HUGE amount of work done in a very short period of time. She is currently in a safe place so the worry about her safety is over for the short term.

DH is 76 years old....I am much younger....this has been really hard on him...I am a bit more vocal, it helps me cope, he is quiet and allows things to fester. When I would vent, I would tell him I love her and want the best for her but I did say what I thought as we went thru her 'stuff' to get it packed.

We are standing firm -together on what has to be done to get her help but is it wrong for me to vent outloud to him about how I am feeling? I would feel better if he would talk about what he was thinking.....

Isn't this the age old problem? I've been married twice and neither one of my husband's talk about feelings. They just do what they are supposed to and move on. That's why I have girlfriends to talk to.

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

@Isobel Archer wrote:
As to decisions being made involving both of them, I think spending three days of physical work in a hot apartment already qualifies.

It seems the real problem may be that husband is willing to do whatever for his daughter and maybe OP thinks he ought to confront her. If he's 76, the daughter probably isn't a kid. Why wasn't she working in the hot apartment to remove her stuff? How did she get in this "crisis" situation? I'm not asking for any answers here, but I can definitely feel OP's frustration. It sounds like this is not the first time daughter has put them in this position.

I was speaking more along the order of critical, possibly life-altering decisions to the couple's lives -- not doing some work based upon compassion and caring.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

I don't want help from someone who does it grudgingly. I would rather pay someone money than pay in the form of listening to them vent. An unpleasant situation isn't helped by negativity.