Husband dealing with a difficult situation... - Page 6

Isobel Archer · ‎04-04-2015

@SaRina wrote:
@Isobel Archer wrote:
As to decisions being made involving both of them, I think spending three days of physical work in a hot apartment already qualifies.

It seems the real problem may be that husband is willing to do whatever for his daughter and maybe OP thinks he ought to confront her. If he's 76, the daughter probably isn't a kid. Why wasn't she working in the hot apartment to remove her stuff? How did she get in this "crisis" situation? I'm not asking for any answers here, but I can definitely feel OP's frustration. It sounds like this is not the first time daughter has put them in this position.
I was speaking more along the order of critical, possibly life-altering decisions to the couple's lives -- not doing some work based upon compassion and caring.

And I was questioning when "compassion and caring" becomes enabling. And according to the OP it wasn't "some work" it was a "huge" amount of work done in very uncomfortable conditions. Couldn't it be that OP is concerned for her husband's health and well being here? Isn't that also "compassion?"

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

@Isobel Archer wrote:
@SaRina wrote:
@Isobel Archer wrote:
As to decisions being made involving both of them, I think spending three days of physical work in a hot apartment already qualifies.

It seems the real problem may be that husband is willing to do whatever for his daughter and maybe OP thinks he ought to confront her. If he's 76, the daughter probably isn't a kid. Why wasn't she working in the hot apartment to remove her stuff? How did she get in this "crisis" situation? I'm not asking for any answers here, but I can definitely feel OP's frustration. It sounds like this is not the first time daughter has put them in this position.
I was speaking more along the order of critical, possibly life-altering decisions to the couple's lives -- not doing some work based upon compassion and caring.
And I was questioning when "compassion and caring" becomes enabling. And according to the OP it wasn't "some work" it was a "huge" amount of work done in very uncomfortable conditions. Couldn't it be that OP is concerned for her husband's health and well being here? Isn't that also "compassion?"

Well, yes, that's exactly what I said -- One would expect that a married couple would help each other in a time of crisis for each other's sake (caring and compassion), rather than complaining about it or doing it grudgingly.

The point I was trying to make that we seem to disagree on is that you seem to feel the 3 days of work impacts the couple's lives and therefore qualifies the OP to vent her resentment. I don't. IMO, the OP should not vent to her husband about doing the 3 days of work as the 3 days of work are a given if you are caring and compassionate. Husband feels badly enough, possibly distraught over his daughter's situation. Whining, venting, complaining -- whatever you want to call it -- will only make the husband feel even worse. It will not help the situation.

I suggested that the OP pull him into a discussion only if joint decisions need to be made that would impact their lives -- such as the daughter moving in with them or needing their financial assistance -- not 3 days of work.

Don't know why you even mentioned "enabling" because we have no idea if enabling is in any way involved in this situation.

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

In the circumstances the OP describes, a hot appartment, short amount of time an older husband...I would have told him that I would take care of it, hired movers and gone there, supervised. I would not have expected him to spend three days in a hot apartment moving furniture while I complained adding to his stress.

All the OP was concerned with was her discomfort and she is much younger, not a word about her husbands discomfort.

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
I don't understand what type of crisis ..... nervous breakdown? .... was she the victim of violence? ...... did she commit a crime? ....... medical issues? ...... how a parent reacts would depend on what the problem was ..... JMO.

@Tinkrbl44 I completely agree and more or less said so early on... I'm sorry, but all the pearls of wisdom spewing forth here mean absolutely nothing without any understanding of the situation...

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

CatsyCline · ‎07-24-2013

i too would have taken time and hired movers . moving a household at 51 and hub was 60 was way too much physical work and we had weeks to box up belongings. from another few posts the op made on another thread, it seemed the step-daughter had been hospitalized for depression and was worried about losing her job

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

@stevieb wrote:
@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
I don't understand what type of crisis ..... nervous breakdown? .... was she the victim of violence? ...... did she commit a crime? ....... medical issues? ...... how a parent reacts would depend on what the problem was ..... JMO.
@Tinkrbl44 I completely agree and more or less said so early on... I'm sorry, but all the pearls of wisdom spewing forth here mean absolutely nothing without any understanding of the situation...

@Tinkrbl44, @stevieb, the OP obviously has the choice of how much to divulge about the situation...... Sure, it makes it more difficult for readers to understand but perhaps some of our pearls of wisdom (lol) will apply and will be useful to the OP.

I think I may have been through something similar, insofar as a "crisis" with stepchildren and wanting to voice my opinion to my husband. I did and I realized it was a mistake. Thus, my advice.

stevieb · ‎03-10-2010

@SaRina wrote:
@stevieb wrote:
@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
I don't understand what type of crisis ..... nervous breakdown? .... was she the victim of violence? ...... did she commit a crime? ....... medical issues? ...... how a parent reacts would depend on what the problem was ..... JMO.
@Tinkrbl44 I completely agree and more or less said so early on... I'm sorry, but all the pearls of wisdom spewing forth here mean absolutely nothing without any understanding of the situation...
@Tinkrbl44, @stevieb, the OP obviously has the choice of how much to divulge about the situation...... Sure, it makes it more difficult for readers to understand but perhaps some of our pearls of wisdom (lol) will apply and will be useful to the OP.

I think I may have been through something similar, insofar as a "crisis" with stepchildren and wanting to voice my opinion to my husband. I did and I realized it was a mistake. Thus, my advice.

@SaRina I respect your point of view and did not mean to sound demeaning in referencing the 'pearls of wisdom', but continue to feel that when asking for advice, suggestions or opinions, it only makes sense to recognize that others can't offer really useful advice 'in the dark'. Certainly, the OP can limit disclosure, but then why ask... realizing that feeback is going to be based on supposition... Perhaps she just wanted support rather than honest to goodness opinions...

In my pantry with my cupcakes...

Mom2Dogs · ‎03-09-2010

To clarify....we are united on DD's care...he does not enable her, her mother is the problem and yes she is a grown adult woman....she in rehab, we had to get things out of the apartment because she was evicted and did not want her things to be pitched....thus 3 days of cleaning, packing and storing. Her mother is many states away.

To me the crisis is over.....she is in a safe place, getting the help she needs, it is ALL UP TO HER NOW. Her dad is just a worrier by nature, and quiet I am not, thus the conflct.

I appreciate the comments, I really needed to vent, I could talk to my girl friend but she know my step daughter and I am really not interested in airing her dirty laundry to her....I do resepct her privacy.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

One thing keeps coming back to me ...... too many spousal arguements boil down to someone thinking "Why can't you be more like ME?"

I've no idea how many years the OP has been married to this man, but I would certainly hope they would have already worked out how they communicate and handle differing opinions by now. Her complaints sound like something a pair of newlyweds haven't worked out yet!

As for spending 3 days doing difficult packing work in an apartment obviously without air conditioning, sorry, but you have to be kidding! There are plenty of high school boys that would be thrilled to make some spending money packing and moving boxes. You supervise, they do the work. WHY would anyone do this themselves ..... unless they were at the poverty level and couldn't really afford at least partial help with such a job?

JMO folks.

newname0 · ‎06-20-2015

@Mom2Dogs wrote:
To clarify....we are united on DD's care...he does not enable her, her mother is the problem and yes she is a grown adult woman....she in rehab, we had to get things out of the apartment because she was evicted and did not want her things to be pitched....thus 3 days of cleaning, packing and storing. Her mother is many states away.

To me the crisis is over.....she is in a safe place, getting the help she needs, it is ALL UP TO HER NOW. Her dad is just a worrier by nature, and quiet I am not, thus the conflct.

I appreciate the comments, I really needed to vent, I could talk to my girl friend but she know my step daughter and I am really not interested in airing her dirty laundry to her....I do resepct her privacy.

You and your husband did a nice thing for her. Let rehab reform her. Take care of your husband now. It's really not his problem. It's hers and she should address it. Relax a little yourself.