Among Friends

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@Mom2Dogs wrote:

My step daughter had a crisis this last week, her dad and I were left to clean up her apartment, pack and store her things....It was a HUGE amount of work done in a very short period of time.  She is currently in a safe place so the worry about her safety is over for the short term.

DH is 76 years old....I am much younger....this has been really hard on him...I am a bit more vocal, it helps me cope, he is quiet and allows things to fester.  When I would vent, I would tell him I love her and want the best for her but I did say what I thought as we went thru her 'stuff' to get it packed.

We are standing firm -together on what has to be done to get her help but is it wrong for me to vent outloud to him about how I am feeling?  I would feel better if he would talk about what he was thinking.....

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You're vocal,he's not.

I'm sure he's been this way the entire marriage, so why expect him to be forthcoming now.

You have a right to your opinion of the situation since the two of you are married.

But don't expect him to change now.

You could make him choose.

The daughter is an adult, you have no obligation as a parent or step parent to continue to raise her.    She needs consequences.

[Mom2Dogs]

@RedTop...your friend is my age, my hubby is a bit younger.  This daughter is so likeable and fun to be around but has a lot of problems, thank goodness -no jail.  We were blindsighted by this recent issue, she is a great actress. His other daughter has only give us the 'usual teenage problems' thank goodness!

[jubilant]

If you are standing firm together on this decision that is definitely a step in the right direction.  It seems you are in agreement on that so that is good.  He may just need time, or be feeling guilty.  Could it be you are feeling he might go back on his decision and change his mind due to guilty feelings?  I don't know....I just know that happens sometimes in situations such as this.  If you need to vent, and really feel this was a wise decision, I think I would just say, "I think we did the right thing" and let it go at that for now. Take it in baby steps and see what happens.

[NycVixen]

@Mom2Dogs What I've realized with my husband is that no matter what his family does or what he has to do for his family, it will never bother him because it's his family.

His mother in particular has caused a lot of friction in our relationship. No matter how I explain it, he just can't see what she does and if he does, it just will never affect him the way it affects me.

Accepting that has alleviated a lot of the tension. He also doesn't talk about his feelings like I do. OP I know how you feel. But I think there is nothing you can do but deal with this the best way you can. You will get through it.

I just survived a visit from my MIL two weeks ago. She leaves a trail of negativity and is passive-aggressive with me but he will never be able to fully appreciate  what goes on even when it happens in front of his face. 

Your husband loves his daughter and I'm sure so do you. At his age, he should be relaxing and not going through this. But sometimes life gets in the way. Perhaps trying to empathize with his daughter a bit more so instead of feeling negative feelings about what you and your husband had to do, you could instead feel how she must feel to have to go through this especially where her safety is concerned. This must also be hard for her.

Then you will see that she is going through a lot and you wouldn't want to trade places but instead carry the load that you're carrying.

[Tinkrbl44]

I don't understand what type of crisis .....  nervous breakdown? ....  was she the victim of violence?  ......  did she commit a crime? .......  medical issues? ......   how a parent reacts would depend on what the problem was .....  JMO.  

[Plaid Pants2]

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@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

I don't understand what type of crisis .....  nervous breakdown? ....  was she the victim of violence?  ......  did she commit a crime? .......  medical issues? ......   how a parent reacts would depend on what the problem was .....  JMO.  

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Going by what Momtodogs said 

"She is currently in a safe place so the worry about her safety is over for the short term."

I am guessing that the daughter was in a domestic violent relationship?????????

[Lindsays Grandma]

John, thank you for being you and speaking out.  All the poor woman said is that she wants to talk and I see  nothng wrong with that.  Her husband doesn't have to say a word, just LISTEN.

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@hckynut wrote:

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@Love my grandkids wrote:

I do think you are wrong to expect him to change at the age of 76. You said he keeps quiet and allows things to fester. If you know this, why are you trying to change him?

Is he trying to change you? If not, just let the poor man be. At his age this must be awful for him. And were I you, I'd tone it down. It can't be of any help to him to hear you going on and on and on about this. A little vocalizing is enough. You aren't helping by constantly harping on this stuff.

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@Love my grandkids

I don't read @Mom2Dogs post the same way as it appears that you do. For me I did not interpret her venting as trying to change her husband, I read it as a couple having different ways of coping.

Not saying you are wrong or I am right, I just did not get that impression from @Mom2Dogs post.

hckynut(john)

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[Lindsays Grandma]

Happycat101...What a nice sensible post. She has every right to say what she feels and if her husband doesn't want to respond so be it.  I know if it

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@happycat wrote:

In my opinion, you are certainly not wrong to vent to him and tell him how you are feeling. This is obviously a difficult situation your family is going thru, it would be very hard to me to keep quiet. I hope he doesn't expect you to keep quiet.

I vent to my husband, and vice versa. When he is upset about something at his job or whatever, I want him to talk to me and tell me what is going on. I vent to him also, it makes me feel better to get it all out in the open.

I would explode if I never got to vent.

I hope things get better for you and your family soon. And I hope your daughter gets all the help it sounds like she might be needing.

Take care @Mom2Dogs

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 were me doing what she was doing I would be voicing my feelings whether my husband liked it or not!!

[Lindsays Grandma]

Have a little compassion.  So he is older than her, that doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to say what she feels under the present difficult circumstances.  I can tell you in all honesty if it were me in that situation I would talk whether he

answered or not.

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@MarkeieMark wrote:

This sounds more about you than him.

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[Lindsays Grandma]

indoor kitty, what a nice thing to say to momtodogs

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@QVCkitty1 wrote:

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@Mom2Dogs wrote:

My step daughter had a crisis this last week, her dad and I were left to clean up her apartment, pack and store her things....It was a HUGE amount of work done in a very short period of time.  She is currently in a safe place so the worry about her safety is over for the short term.

DH is 76 years old....I am much younger....this has been really hard on him...I am a bit more vocal, it helps me cope, he is quiet and allows things to fester.  When I would vent, I would tell him I love her and want the best for her but I did say what I thought as we went thru her 'stuff' to get it packed.

We are standing firm -together on what has to be done to get her help but is it wrong for me to vent outloud to him about how I am feeling?  I would feel better if he would talk about what he was thinking.....

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@Mom2Dogs, I don't understand why so many posters are jumping all over you. It is perfectly normal to want to have a conversation about your situation with his daughter. People are so quick to judge without being helpful. Try to get you DH to open up, there is nothing wrong with talking, it's when you stop that things get bad. JMO. Best of luck.🌺

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.  She has been attacked far too much here and deserves kind words.