Among Friends

[Mom2Dogs]

My step daughter had a crisis this last week, her dad and I were left to clean up her apartment, pack and store her things....It was a HUGE amount of work done in a very short period of time.  She is currently in a safe place so the worry about her safety is over for the short term.

DH is 76 years old....I am much younger....this has been really hard on him...I am a bit more vocal, it helps me cope, he is quiet and allows things to fester.  When I would vent, I would tell him I love her and want the best for her but I did say what I thought as we went thru her 'stuff' to get it packed.

We are standing firm -together on what has to be done to get her help but is it wrong for me to vent outloud to him about how I am feeling?  I would feel better if he would talk about what he was thinking.....

[Love my grandkids]

I do think you are wrong to expect him to change at the age of 76. You said he keeps quiet and allows things to fester. If you know this, why are you trying to change him?

Is he trying to change you? If not, just let the poor man be. At his age this must be awful for him. And were I you, I'd tone it down. It can't be of any help to him to hear you going on and on and on about this. A little vocalizing is enough. You aren't helping by constantly harping on this stuff.

Update: Further down I apologized to the OP for the "on and on and on" remark which was unfair.

[stevieb]

It's clear you don't want to give specifics, but to be honest, without a little more detail about the situation and what was expected of you, it's not possible to comment on whether or not this was a time to speak your mind or hold your peace... In general, I don't think it's ever wrong to state an opinion, especially when you've been expected to pitch in. Harping on him might be something else altogether.

[Mom2Dogs]

@Love my grandkids....I never said I WENT ON AND ON.....nor am I CONSTANTLY HARPING on this STUFF, but thank you for your helpful advice.

[151949]

Why is it that some people always are expecting their spouse to do or be something they simply know that person isn't able to do? If you know something is against his nature then WHY do you expect him to do it? It isn't going to happen.

[jewel3]

You might consider venting to a girlfriend instead - someone who also reciprocates by venting to you.

And you probably already know what he thinks. Women usually benefit from talking through their feelings but men often do not want to expend the energy it takes to be unnaturally verbally expressive and just want to take action to deal with the problem. 

Do you really want to hear him "talk about his feelings"? It could come out as venting which might aptly be translated as ranting. What we think does not matter half as much as what we do and I bet his actions tell you how he feels. He has spent 76 years operating like this so he is not going to change the basic way he deals with problems. 

Talk to to a girlfriend. It is more satisfying. 

[chrystaltree]

He's an 76 year old man and it's his daughter; so, his feelings are deeper than yours.  He isn't suddenly going to have a personality change just because that's what you need now.  He's pushing 80.  Just love and support him and give him what he needs.   You aren't a psychiatrist and if you are, you aren't his psychiatrist.  You have have no way whatsoever of knowing if talking about the situation would be better for him.  It might even make things harder for him.  Which is irrelevant, since he doesn't want to talk about it.  I understand that the situation is hard on you too and you need to talk things through, to voice your feelings.  You should do that with a friend or a clergyperson or therapist because in that way, you are free to speak honestly.  No doubt you have  feelings about the situation  that you don't want to share with your husband.

[hckynut]

Hello @Mom2Dogs,

I am sorry you are in this situation. No, I do not think you are wrong. You know me well enough to know that whatever it was about this event that led for your need to vent, I would more than likely have done the same, just maybe in stronger terms.

Keeping quiet is not in my characteristics, and moreso when I feel some problems I am working on to help someone, was brought on by their choice or decision. Don't know that is your case, but me keep quiet when doing work to help someone in a serious situation? Not gonna happen!

Hope all works out for the best,

hckynut(john)

[GCR18]

In my mind, you should be able to be open and honest about your feelings.  That said, I think I would be a little less vocal and push him to speak up.  Honey, what do you think or how do you feel about things?  I'm sure it's very emotional.  It's his child.  Not to diminish you being the step mom.

My mother and I had to handle a similar situation with my sister.  It was a tad more complicated because she has teenagers and there was child custody and support to deal with.  My mother was totally overwhelmed and stuck on blaming my sister for the situation.  She wasn't in a position to make quick decisions.  I took that role and before I finalized anything, I thoroughly went through all the details with her.  

I wish you and DH the best.  It's a tough road to travel.

[hckynut]

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@Love my grandkids wrote:

I do think you are wrong to expect him to change at the age of 76. You said he keeps quiet and allows things to fester. If you know this, why are you trying to change him?

Is he trying to change you? If not, just let the poor man be. At his age this must be awful for him. And were I you, I'd tone it down. It can't be of any help to him to hear you going on and on and on about this. A little vocalizing is enough. You aren't helping by constantly harping on this stuff.

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@Love my grandkids

I don't read @Mom2Dogs post the same way as it appears that you do. For me I did not interpret her venting as trying to change her husband, I read it as a couple having different ways of coping.

Not saying you are wrong or I am right, I just did not get that impression from @Mom2Dogs post.

hckynut(john)