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Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,784
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?

[ Edited ]

Some people go to funerals even if it is only an acquaintance.

 

I'm here at work instead of going to a funeral and I feel guilty.  I hate funerals, not sure anyone likes them.   I bawl uncontrollably even if I wasn't close to the person.  I hate it.  I think I cry because while I'm at the funeral I think of the people I was close to that died like my dad and brother.

 

I know my DH's relatives are probably expecting me to go to this one. 

 

This was my husbands first cousin by marriage only and they are divorced now.  I knew her and she was a very nice lady.  I liked her better than her husband that was the actual relative.

 

In the past, we never had a meal together, never went anywhere together.  I've never been in her house nor has she been in mine.  We never called each other.

 

The only time I actually would visit with her is when we ran into each other at a store, etc.

 

We were Facebook friends, but so are a lot of people that I'm not real friends in real life with.

 

Our kids were small together and the only thing they did was go to vacation bible school together and that was 30 years ago.

 

My MIL is going to be there, but mainly to get the scoop on who all was there. 

 

My MIIL will drop by my store (I'm at work) and act terrible that I wasn't there.

 

It was sad that she died young and I'm sad for her family.  But I decided not to go and I feel guilty.

 

We had a lot of mutual friends and they will probably wonder why I'm not there too.

 

BTW, DH isn't going and he doesn't fret over stuff like this.

 

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,069
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?

I hate funerals and just don't go. I have only been to a couple family members funerals. My in-laws will be coming & I'm not going. DH will not like it & neither will the surviving spouse probably my MIL. Sorry but I don't like funerals. I'm not having one myself. We already have our plots. DH knows my wishes. I want NO viewing, NO church service, No burial service. Just bury me & be done with it. I think it's better to remember people for who they were & not what they look like after they die. Those pictures never leave you.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,892
Registered: ‎07-03-2013

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?

I don't go to funerals of people I'm not close to.  

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,827
Registered: ‎10-30-2010

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?

[ Edited ]

I don't know anyone that enjoys attending funerals, but you attend them out of respect.

 

I do not feel that you should feel obligated to attend a funeral. If you do not want to go than you just do not go. Do not beat yourself up over your decision.

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,784
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?


@Nightowlz wrote:

I hate funerals and just don't go. I have only been to a couple family members funerals. My in-laws will be coming & I'm not going. DH will not like it & neither will the surviving spouse probably my MIL. Sorry but I don't like funerals. I'm not having one myself. We already have our plots. DH knows my wishes. I want NO viewing, NO church service, No burial service. Just bury me & be done with it. I think it's better to remember people for who they were & not what they look like after they die. Those pictures never leave you.


I feel a tad bit less guilty. Thank you! 

 

I have thought about not having a funeral for myself also.  I'd like my family and friends to have a fun party instead!  I'm serious.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,650
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?


@icezeus wrote:

I don't know anyone that enjoys attending funerals, but you attend them out of respect.

 

I do not feel that you should feel obligated to attend a funeral if you do not want to go than you just do not go, and do not beat yourself up over your decision.

 

 


ITA.  I can't imagine anyone liking to go to a funeral.  I go for respect to the family and help support them.  My DH passed away going on five years now and I couldn't believe how many people came to his calling hours.  There was a constant line from the door.  It was great support for me but that's just how I feel.

 

You definately shouldn't beat yourself up about your decision not to go. 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,891
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?

I have gone to all aunts' and uncles' funerals. I think it's important to show our love and respect, regardless of whether they are blood relatives or in-laws. Needless to say, I went to grandparents' and my father's funerals. Nobody likes to go to their friends' or relatives' funerals but it is simply an act of respect to attend. All funerals I've attended are at least a five hour car trip from where I live but the immediate family always expressed gratitude for my showing up.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,475
Registered: ‎03-14-2015

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?


@mima wrote:

Some people go to funerals even if it is only an acquaintance.

 

I'm here at work instead of going to a funeral and I feel guilty.  I hate funerals, not sure anyone likes them.   I bawl uncontrollably even if I wasn't close to the person.  I hate it.  I think I cry because while I'm at the funeral I think of the people I was close to that died like my dad and brother.

 

I know my DH's relatives are probably expecting me to go to this one. 

 

This was my husbands first cousin by marriage only and they are divorced now.  I knew her and she was a very nice lady.  I liked her better than her husband that was the actual relative.

 

In the past, we never had a meal together, never went anywhere together.  I've never been in her house nor has she been in mine.  We never called each other.

 

The only time I actually would visit with her is when we ran into each other at a store, etc.

 

We were Facebook friends, but so are a lot of people that I'm not real friends in real life with.

 

Our kids were small together and the only thing they did was go to vacation bible school together and that was 30 years ago.

 

My MIL is going to be there, but mainly to get the scoop on who all was there. 

 

My MIIL will drop by my store (I'm at work) and act terrible that I wasn't there.

 

It was sad that she died young and I'm sad for her family.  But I decided not to go and I feel guilty.

 

We had a lot of mutual friends and they will probably wonder why I'm not there too.

 

BTW, DH isn't going and he doesn't fret over stuff like this.

 

 

 


 

 

If your husband isn't going, and isn't fretting over not going, then neither should you. Period.

 

If others cluck their tongue in disapproval for your not being there, that's on them, and not you.

 

Stop feeling guilty, and get on with your day.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,109
Registered: ‎04-14-2013

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?

For me it's a personal decision.  My husband goes to all of them for people he knows.  I can pay my respects and honor the family in other ways if I choose.  I'm not one to generally stand on ceremony.  It certainly doesn't mean I am not sad or grieving.

 

When my Dad was cremated we had a kick-butt party in his swanky condo and that seemed a much better way to come together as a group whose lives he had touched.

 

Do what feels right to you and do not let others make you feel guilt.

 

 

Cogito ergo sum
Honored Contributor
Posts: 8,101
Registered: ‎03-17-2010

Re: How close do you need to be to someone before you go to there funeral?

Ok here it is.  I can't stand funerals and will only go if I have to.....

 

Both my parents couldn't stand funerals either and both preferred cremation.  The reason was simple.  They felt that the funerals weren't for the deceased, it was for the people that came to them, and many of them go to them for reasons other than paying respect.  The cremation thing was economical (comparatively) and neither one of them wanted to leave this earth knowing that a ton of cash was spent on caskets, burial plots, Memorials, flowers, etc. etc.  My Dad especially thought it was a racket.

 

A good example of this was when I followed my dear Mom's instructions of no Memorial Service. She knew her friends well and wanted to avoid the ones who would take over the event, become over maudlin and make it unbearable for me (I'm an only child...)  And she was right. Especially with one friend who was outraged I didn't have one, she told me in uncertain terms how selfish I was being, blah blah.... I told her to please light a candle for my Mother and know that my Mom loved her.... then I was done!!  I will always remember my Mother's unselfish act.  At the time (my Dad was dying at the time as well) I doubt very much if I would have had the strength to do what everyone expected anyway.....

 

Thanks Mom!  xoxo

 

 

*~"Never eat more than you can lift......" Miss Piggy~*