Re: Ending Friendships ...

Silver Lining · ‎04-16-2010

@mom2laxboyz wrote:
My dear penpal and I have recently ended a 50-year friendship. I think about it often, but I don't think it can be repaired. We "met" when we were both in elementary school and our teachers gave everyone in her class and mine names and addresses (she lives in England). Over the 50 years, we wrote constantly, called a few times, more recently Facebook, e-mail, and have met up on a trip with our husbands.

She and her husband "surprised me" with a ten-day visit a few months ago. It went horribly. I was mortified by her husband's constant nose-blowing into a hanky, and then he'd proceed to reach into a bag of chips, or pick through a bowl of fruit to find the right
piece .... let's just say cleanliness wasn't his forte. We don't wear shoes in our home, were raised like that, and even though we'd kick off our shoes when we entered the house, my penpal and her hubby wore theirs in the house, on my beige carpet, and left many stains. Let's just say that there were several things that they did that bothered us, and I'm certain there were things we did that bothered them.

After eight days, I asked if they could go to a motel. She was very hurt, but they left on the ninth day of their planned 10-day visit. When they left, there were all kinds of horrible messages from her large family about what rotten people we were. I have apologized to her and told her I didn't handle the visit well, but I was stressed not knowing they had planned this. She's never worked and her husband retired early in his 40s. They live "tight" but do visit a lot of people and stay with them.

I'd love to know what others thing of the situation. I've cried my eyes out, but after getting so much hate e-mail from her family, I don't think we'll ever be friends again.

What do you mean by "surprised" you with a visit? Surely they didn't fly to the states from England and just show up at your door?

Foolywooly11 · ‎05-08-2016

You don't explain how they became houseguests, but I'm assuming you extended an invitation to them; either when they showed up, or by saying something like, "If you're ever in the states, you have a place to stay", but, either way, you accepted them as houseguests,without any knowing what kind of guests they'd be. You tolerated them for 8 days, &, imo, should have stuck it out for the last 2. If you have house rules, you should have asked them to remove theirs, if that's what you wanted. You could have said, "In our house, we ask everyone to remove their shoes when in the house", & shown them where they could put their shoes when they do. I understand why their habits annoyed you, but, I think I would have let the 50 yr. friendship take precidence over 2 more days of discomfort. If I were in your showes, I would apologize for asking her to leave. I wouldn't worry about what her family members said to you, because she was probably very hurt, & vented to them, &, while they shouldn't have sent you emails, your concern should be with your friend, & not with them.

RetailTherapist · ‎05-23-2017

You know the old saying, "After three days, fish and family begin to stink". If you ask me, they are freeloaders who should have been told they could stay two nights, at the most. You were more than generous. As hard as it is for you, chalk it up to a lesson learned. So sorry you went through that.

sabatini · ‎06-29-2015

@Silver Lining wrote:

What do you mean by "surprised" you with a visit? Surely they didn't fly to the states from England and just show up at your door?

I too wish that the OP had made that part a bit clearer.

@mom2laxboyz, I feel badly for you.

What's interesting, was that my mom also had a pen-pal from England, and that friendship lasted until their deaths. I remember that family visiting with all their kids back when we were young.

I think what probably made the visit so difficult was that her husband had come along. Sometimes it's hard (or not fun!) to have a spouse in tow, as politeness requires he be included in everything, making 'girl talk' impossible.

It was wrong of the extended family to become involved.

I'd hope that you can patch things up between the 2 of you, & think it's definitely possible. After 50 years of writing, she knows your heart.

My oldest and very dear friend died suddenly & unexpectedly last week. She's irreplaceable & I've cried buckets.

Try to make it work. It's worth it. Life is shorter than we know.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.

Muddling through...

homedecor1 · ‎03-09-2010

@mom2laxboyz

many times I've said casually "come anytime we'd love to have you" to many of my close friends over the years. Not many have taken me up with a "surprise" visit & in your case they traveled to the States specifically to visit you without you knowing they were coming, that's wierd, But, then again who knows "friends" can overstep their boundaries!

i am going thru this with a lifetime friend (45 years) she met Mr Wonderful on the internet several years ago. I can't stand him, he's taken her for every dime, moved her to another state, refuses

to "let" her go anywhere alone, demeans her & is a total pig IMO she is his "meal ticket" but she loves him so I've bit my tongue (no getting through to her) - me he's "white trash & con".

Just recently they had had to evacuate due to hurricane warning. I'm sitting here & in walks her & him. What???? I was shocked & spouse was like what's that ##%%%% doing here?

I said "oh hi!" She said hope you don't mind we need to stay a few days during the storm..at that point, what was I to say but ok. I was a bundle of nerves after 2 days (he smoked so much on my lanai every time you opened the door it was horrible, clothes on floor in bathroom, wet towels on bed, she just sat & watched tv all day, or if he was hungry she'd cook & leave the kitchen a mess) -..finally, I said jokingly "roll of TP in guest bath room is almost gone & so are you!" (but meant it).

They got the hint on day 3. I asked her later why did you just show up? Answer: you said anytime! So why not plus I have code to your house we would have just made ourselves at home if you were not home".

Yikes! I changed codes & made it clear she is welcome but not him. Of course, it's put a big dent in our friendship but at this stage of life I don't care. Guess in the future I'll be more careful with my "blanket" invites!

PS: obviously you say their "tight" they do surprise visits aka friends houses as hotels -- great way to travel cheap! Personally, you had more patience than I would and don't let others make you feel bad. Obviously, they didn't care about your feelings.

NEvans2 · ‎01-15-2017

Seriously, there are people who would actually do that? I have a lot of friends, but none that are inconsiderate enough to show up on my doorstep with no notice and expect to stay for 10 days. I don't care if you did at some point say, "if you're ever in the States, you have a place to stay". I would expect them to let me know when. As for unsanitary hubby, gross and disgusting! It's really a lose-lose situation.

Nonametoday · ‎03-09-2010

Oh, please allow me to tell you about my houseguest whom I had never met. We were internet friends on a chat forum. She asked me if she could have my email address and I directed her to administrators and told them to please do so. So over the years we emailed.

My email contains my name in the tag line. I had not heard from her in 3-4 years. She seemingly disappeared but she was a faceless friend. One day I am sitting in the doctor's office after not having heard from her in 3 years. She tells me she is coming to visit me and gives me the date. She says she plans to relocate in NYC and wants to visit me on her first visit to the USA in a couple decades. (She is American). I am somewhat startled and the date is 3 months away so I assume she will tell me in the interim that she cannot make it. We are talking from Rome as well here.

Very little communication in the interim but time is drawing near and she gives me her ETA and destination airport, etc.,at which to meet her which for me is 125 miles. She is not coming to one near me (mystery why not). Remember I have never seen her. She knows a lot about my schedule, that I attend weekly worship service, that I play bridge weekly, Canasta on alternating weeks and bunco and dominoes on the other weeks. So I assume I can take her to card games and church with me (she is staying 2 weeks, she tells me as she is about to board. She could be a serial killer for all I know. She texts me a few hours before she leaves, shows me that she is packed, suitcase in tow, out her door so I will know what she is wearing and who/what to look for.

Let's cut to the chase. She had not bathed since the Vietnam war. She told me she did not believe in bathing and deodorant is toxic. We bathe everyday and at my my house everyone bathes at least every other day in winter. She wanted to go out to eat constantly. She would tell me what to buy her when we went to grocery store and what brand she did/did not like. I was well sore of her before a week had elapsed. We were definitely not speaking but for the rare "I wish I were away from this place, and back in my home." I am not a mean person but I wanted to tell her I wish I had never seen her.

She did not bring a single dress or slacks and I don't know about underwear but she never did laundry the whole time she was here. She wore short shorts the whole time. She wore a skort in flight, the same thing she wore back. I forced her to bathe twice. Bathing was the first run-in. I took her to eat at the club the second night and my husband refused to go. People stated at her, at me and no one who knew me spoke to me. I tried to do things in the city and not in our bedroom community. She kept asking to meet my friends. I never introduced her to any unless unavoidable. She claimed to be a professional artist who worked for the National Gallery doing something..

I have never been so happy to see anyone board a plane in my whole life. I waited until her flight lifted off and waved good bye for a long time. She wrote me from Rome and told me she was moving to Georgia (USA) and asked if I knew of any apartments in my area for rent as she had gotten a job in my area. I never responded.

happycat · ‎09-18-2010

I'd block her and her family from emailing me. I have never heard of inviting oneself to stay 10 days like that, with a pen pal for goodness sakes.

When you say "they live a tight budget, but visit lots of people and stay with them", it sounds like they are users to me.

When I go see famly members, I usually stay in a close hotel, as to not put anyone out.

Please don't feel bad, and try not to cry. I don't think she was much of a friend. I think she was wanting to vacation at your place.

homedecor1 · ‎03-09-2010

@Nonametoday

yikes you you are a better person than me - only a chat room friend would never taken her into my home! Would have dropped her off to motel/hotel and told her good luck!